Tag: knowledge is power (Page 1 of 2)

Engage in ‘Flow’ for Self-Care

August 10, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

From the field of what is known as positive psychology, the theory of ‘flow’ was created in the 1970s after studies were conducted on participants who were doing things for pleasure, without any form of monetary reward or fame. This research project was led by psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.

So, what exactly is ‘flow’, you might wonder? A great definition of it is that it is a state of mind in which an individual becomes fully immersed in an activity. It’s one of those times when someone becomes completely absorbed in an experience. It is energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment of the process of the activity or experience. Time flies by and a person has the feeling of being in ‘the zone’. Which means that everyone will have different activities in which they experience ‘flow’. It could be within the arts or sciences, athletics, personal hobbies, time in nature, and so on. Virtually anything that someone derives pleasure from and loses themselves in. For some, it may feel like only moments have passed while it has, in fact, been hours.

And ‘flow’ can be particularly useful as a form of self-help for anyone who is dealing with toxic people and/or challenging situations. It isn’t always possible to access professional help when we feel we need it, so it’s beneficial to have resources in our personal toolbox. And the more we put these into practice, the easier it is to implement self-help methods at any time. Being in a ‘flow’ state can mentally take us away from difficult circumstances and provide a temporary reprieve. Even just a few moments of listening to a favourite musical artist or taking a walk in nature, for instance, can provide someone who loves those things with much-needed self-care and empowerment.

When we’re in difficult circumstances, particularly with narcissists and other disordered people, it can be easy to forget to take care of ourselves and to do things we love. But it is especially important for us to eke out time for these activities when we are in need of inner strength and rejuvenation. It often doesn’t take much immersion into our chosen activity to see significant benefits.

When life gets tough … when difficult and/or toxic people are at their worst … whatever the situation may be, it’s time to dig deep into self-help. And if professional resources are needed, always remember to reach out to those individuals. But in the meantime, find those experiences and activities that are meaningful. A state of ‘flow’ is always waiting there, ready to provide a reprieve and positive energy. Go with your ‘flow’.

*Copy-and-paste link to books on the subject of the state of ‘flow’: https://amzn.to/3s9kvkM

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

How to Say Goodbye to Limiting Beliefs

July 29, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

Limiting beliefs are a state of mind or beliefs about yourself or the world that are restricting. These beliefs can run the gamut from “I don’t have enough time” to “I’m not good enough – smart enough – attractive enough” and so on. And, yes, we place these limits on ourselves and our environment. Sometimes they arise from a single negative experience. Other times, though, they are the result of growing up in a toxic family. Scapegoats/black sheep of narcissist parents, for instance, are regularly criticized, critiqued, berated, judged, and punished for the smallest of things. This gives the distinct message from one’s own family that a person is unworthy and unlovable. Under these conditions, it’s not difficult to fall into the belief that we’re defective and lacking. And this can impact our entire life if we don’t intervene on our own behalf.

So, how do we go about dealing with limiting beliefs?

First of all, we need to recognize them. Like, “why am I afraid to try this? There’s something holding me back!”

Next, we need to recognize that what we have is simply a belief. It isn’t a fact. It isn’t truth. It’s just a belief we are holding about ourselves or the world around us.

Knowing that these are just beliefs, we can begin to challenge them.

The next step is to challenge our belief. Rather than accepting our negative, belief-based thoughts about, say, what we’re capable of academically, we should ask ourselves why we feel that way. If our answer to the self-posed question is that we aren’t intelligent enough to be successful in academics, then our next question to ourselves should be, “why not?”. Chances are, we might not have a justifiable response.

It is incredibly important to then recognize the potentially damaging consequences of continuing to hold limiting beliefs about ourselves and our world. Missed opportunities, self-esteem issues, lack of success, and so on.

Then, adopting new and positive beliefs is imperative. For example, if we’ve been holding the belief that we’re “not smart enough”, we can replace it with “I am capable of whatever I put my mind to”. Or if it’s “I’m not good enough”, then it needs to be something more like, “I am enough”.

Lastly, we need to put new beliefs into practice. It can be challenging to step out of a comfort zone, no matter how dysfunctional it is or that it didn’t serve us well. But it is entirely possible to overhaul our belief systems and then act in accordance with them.

As an example, many people who were raised in a narcissistic environment (narcissist, enabling parent, golden child) are likely to have limiting beliefs about many parts of themselves. A common occurrence with scapegoats is being told that they’re “average” or even “stupid”. That can translate to difficulties in school because scapegoats will often adopt that belief about themselves (remember, as children, we trust our parents and accept what they say as truth) and it, in turn, limits them academically. From childhood, that typically carries on through adolescence and into adulthood, sometimes having negative impacts on post-secondary education and career options, for instance. But if we learn to challenge our beliefs regularly, and to implement beneficial beliefs after weeding out the limiting ones, we will begin to approach our self-image and self-beliefs, as well as our beliefs about the world, in ways that help us to stop cheating ourselves out of opportunities. Instead, we will learn to approach our lives with confidence and healthy self-esteem.

One word of warning is that, although anyone can have limiting beliefs that should be changed, scapegoats in particular need to have an awareness that anger may rise up when we’re working through the process. Why? Because it’s difficult to recognize that we adopted our beliefs about ourselves and the world from people we trusted because we were too young to question it. And then those beliefs have been carried through our lives to whatever point we’re currently at. And we may, in retrospect, see lost opportunities, self-sabotaging or destructive behaviours that have taken place. It can bring up a lot of emotions that we need to be prepared for.

In the end, what we need to remind ourselves is that we weren’t foolish to listen to our disordered or emotionally immature parents and then accept what they told us about ourselves and the world as truth. We were children. And children trust their role models. But when we become ‘awakened’ and see things as they are, it’s our opportunity to take our futures in hand and live our lives in healthy, functional ways. Holding beneficial beliefs is empowering and it frees us to thrive as we were meant to. We’ll likely discover amazing things about ourselves along the way. Resentment and anger will only hold us back if we don’t let it go. That in itself is limiting. Step into this new awareness with a growth mindset, inner strength, and the knowledge that the future is ours and it’s limitless.

Until next time,

~Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

Ways to Manage Eco-anxiety

April 14, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

Eco-anxiety is defined as “the distress caused by climate change where people are becoming anxious about their future” (Coffey et al., 2021). This is a very real concern and cause for anxious thoughts for many people, especially given the escalating issues our planet is experiencing as a direct result of human-driven climate change. Here’s the thing, though: we are not helpless. We don’t have to resign ourselves to the ultimate demise of nature, mankind, and our planet. Read on to find out how we can take steps to make a difference, positively impact our future, and lessen our eco-anxiety.

The planet is getting warmer due to the greenhouse effect. Carbon emissions over time (from the use of coal, natural gas, and oil) have created a dome that prevents the sun’s heat from being released out of our atmosphere and into space. The increase in temperatures is affecting ecosystems and spaces – like coral reefs, the rainforest, and ice fields, for example – and creating imbalances in nature, which then affects incredibly important items such as biodiversity and the planet and its inhabitants as a whole.

We, as humans, are affected by biodiversity changes from climate change in the form of food supplies being impacted by heat, drought, diseases and pests, as well as loss of clean water sources. Biodiversity problems also often result in extinction of species. So many things on our planet are intricately connected, so much so that damage or destruction of one system creates a domino effect that eventually reaches us in negative ways.

In addition, deforestation of trees and other vegetation creates more issues for the planet with issues such as erosion, flooding, and the release of stored carbon into the earth’s atmosphere.

Severe weather systems will become more prevalent with the worsening of climate change. Heat-related illnesses and deaths will increase. Food shortages and lack of clean water will become more wide-spread. Some medications, such as certain cancer-fighting drugs, may become more difficult to produce because they come from threatened species such as corals and other natural spaces.

Climate and environmental scientists have been raising the alarm about climate change for decades now. The fact is that we humans have not, on the whole, truly been listening or doing much about it. And time is running out for us to make a difference for ourselves and our planet. We have every reason to feel anxious about this situation. Without a healthy planet, every living thing on earth is at risk. The fact of the matter is, though, that we as a species possess the tools for positive action and change.

Here are some ideas that we can all consider in our daily lives:

Taking time to understand climate change and how it can be halted.

Save energy at home. Turn off those lights when they aren’t necessary, upgrade to energy-saving appliances, etc.

Walk, cycle, or use public transport whenever possible.

Eat more vegetables. Plant trees.

Consider your travel. For example, emissions from planes are significant contributors to climate change.

Try to minimize waste.

Implement the 4 R’s – Reduce, Reuse, Recycle, Repair.

Think about different sources of energy for your home, such as wind and solar power.

Make your money count by purchasing products from companies who are using resources and energy responsibly. We, as consumers, have the power – through our choices – to influence the actions taken by large corporations when it comes to what they produce and the processes they use in production.

Speak up and take action. Shout it from the rooftops if you’re so inclined. We need to advocate for our planet and our future. Talk to people about climate change and how each of us can make a difference individually and collectively. There are so many misconceptions or just plain lack of awareness and knowledge that drive climate change inaction. If global, mass social movements can be created, major progress will happen. But it all starts with each of us taking steps on an individual level first. (United Nations, 2023)

I would also suggest watching some of the ecological and nature shows that Netflix or other providers have to offer. I highly recommend ‘Chasing Coral’, ‘Seaspiracy’, ‘Our Universe’, ‘Our Planet’, ‘Our Great National Parks’ with Barack Obama, ‘A Life On Our Planet’ with the great David Attenborough (actually, anything with David Attenborough is recommended), and so many more.

We don’t have to stand idly by and watch climate change move beyond its tipping point. There is still time to halt this process. We all need to look at the big picture because there is no Planet B. And in taking action for our planet, we also take steps to empower ourselves, lessen eco-anxiety, and improve our future.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

References

Coffey, Y., Bhullar, N., Durkin, J., Islam, M. S., & Usher, K. (2021). Understanding Eco-anxiety: A Systematic Scoping Review of Current Literature and Identified Knowledge Gaps. The Journal of Climate Change and Health, 3(3), 100047. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.joclim.2021.100047

United Nations. (2023). Start with these ten actions! United Nations. https://www.un.org/en/actnow/ten-actions#speak-up

Scapegoats/Black Sheep are often Truth-Tellers

March 16, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

In many cases within a dysfunctional family system, the individual who is silently labelled as the scapegoat or black sheep will be a truth-teller. By this, I mean someone who tells their truth at any cost, even when it comes to the dysfunctions of their family of origin or a close relationship with a partner or friend.

Given that narcissists, for example, create their own self-serving realities and expect everyone to accept them without question, a truth-teller is an aggravation to them. This may be one of the reasons why the scapegoat or black sheep was targeted in the first place. Who better to hold accountable for all the family’s or relationship’s problems than someone who has the power to blow the whistle on the entire system? So the scapegoat is perpetually discredited and made to look like a liar, or even “crazy”, in order to protect the narcissist’s (or other toxic person’s) carefully crafted persona and to carry on the family or relationship roles and systems.

I say, embrace truth-telling. There will always be people who dislike the truth because it doesn’t fit their narrative. So be it. It isn’t the end of the world. Over time, many of us who are scapegoated, black sheep, truth-tellers eventually separate ourselves from our toxic family of origin (or other relationships in our lives) because we realize that no matter what we say or do to simply be ourselves or defend ourselves, those dynamics will continue. As long as we continue to speak our truth, we will be targeted, blamed, and have smear campaigns launched against us by some people.

In the end, we need to be true to ourselves. And that includes being truth-tellers and often means going no contact or low contact with certain people. Is that challenging? It definitely can be. Is it impossible? Nope. And, in my experience, it will bring more peace and calm into daily life than was ever experienced in the past. That’s worth its weight in gold.

Don’t be afraid to be a truth-teller. And just know that if someone doesn’t like hearing your truth, especially about dysfunctional family or relationship systems, it’s probably because they feel threatened by it. That’s their issue, not yours. And don’t forget about self-care if you’re in the midst of challenges. Here’s a great book that you might want to consider for ideas: https://amzn.to/3n2B92Y. (Just copy and paste the link into your browser and it will direct you to the book.)

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

The Two Sides of an Enabling Parent

January 21, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

Hello, everyone!

I wanted to write a bit about enabling parents and the two sides that we might see with them. There’s one side that they need to stay in character with when they are around their narcissistic partner, and there’s the other side that represents who they truly are. By that, I mean the real person that this individual is when not being controlled and overseen by their toxic mate.

What many of us may see, while the narcissist is present, is a parent who behaves in meek, mild, passive, obedient, and often child-like ways, as well as seeming that they don’t have a mind of their own. They also tend to go along with their partner, against us, often without so much as asking our perspective or possibly even considering that we have a different perspective. We may hear things like “Don’t let me hear you talking to your mother/father like that” or “Don’t talk back” or “Do as you’re told”, even when we’re teenagers, or even adults. Decisions are deferred to, and all attention is spotlighted on, the narcissist. This typically means that any children in the vicinity are all but ignored, except to blame and criticize, as though their presence is significantly lesser in comparison to the person whose ego needs constant stroking. I mean, it all makes sense, as sad as it is. Narcissists use tactics like the silent treatment, guilting, or raging out on their partners when they don’t get the full attention they want/need for their fragile ego. So the only way that enabling parents can keep some semblance of, albeit, weak peace in their lives is to make their narcissistic partner the center of the universe and fulfill their every selfish whim.

However, on those rare occasions when the non-toxic parent is away from the other parent (narcissists don’t like to let their enablers out of their sight), we may see full glimpses of their true selves. In fact, they may seem like an entirely different person. It can feel like a breath of fresh air to witness it. In my experiences and those I have heard from others, the enabling parent may suddenly seem much more confident, happy, caring, interested in you/your life, sociable, carefree, and quite willing to make decisions for themselves. I’ve even seen physical changes take place, like standing up taller as opposed to slouching, and marked, positive changes in body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. As nice as it is to see a parent as they are, even for a few moments, it’s incredibly heartbreaking to realize the full scope of the life (using that term loosely in this case) they lead with their partner. Yes, as children of narcissists, we have our own set of difficult circumstances and feel a need to cover up our authentic selves in the presence of our disordered parent. There’s no doubt about it. And it’s incredibly painful to feel unprotected and cast aside by an enabling parent. But it doesn’t make it any less difficult to see an enabling parent who may also be suffering and living as someone other than who they are, just to maintain some small fragment of peace.

It’s a crime that narcissists, using their manipulative and deceptive behaviours, are able to cause those around them to retreat into shells of their true selves and not live the full lives they are meant to live, children and partners alike. Obviously there can be exceptions to this, like families with two narcissistic parents, or an enabling parent who sometimes takes a stand for themselves and even for their children. Overall, though, rather than being what a family should be, life with narcissists can often be compared to a prison, with a warden who calls all the shots and creates a system that benefits them and them alone.

There are ways to heal from narcissists. There is hope. We need to educate ourselves – on narcissism, on boundaries, on low- and no-contact, on healing ourselves, etc. – and empower ourselves. Natural Clarity Coaching is a useful support system, as are many other resources. No one needs to be alone when grappling with these circumstances.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

What Happens When We Leave a Toxic System?

January 18, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

When we decide to go low contact or no contact with dysfunctional family members, friends, partners, workplaces, and so on, what happens to those individuals and the toxic system? It doesn’t really matter as far as our own healing and progress is concerned, but it’s interesting to consider it.

In the case of, say, a narcissistic romantic partner, there may be an initial attempt at keeping the relationship intact but they will typically move on to a new person (aka source of supply, meaning someone to keep their ego happy temporarily). When there are children involved, there may be issues, but there is definitely an assortment of legal and other means of managing everything. Toxic workplaces would be similar to romantic partners because there will typically be someone there to fill the void space, as would be the case with the majority of toxic friends (particularly ones with shallow bonds).

But when it comes to a toxic family system with, potentially, a narcissist at the helm, what happens when, say, the scapegoat leaves through low contact or no contact? This is different than the relationships noted above. Family systems have incredibly lengthy histories, with specific people who “play” certain roles. For example, with a narcissistic mother as the dominant individual, there will quite likely be an enabling father. And there will be a child or children who are the scapegoat or the golden child. The dysfunctional family system, and particularly the narcissist, needs everyone to stay in order to maintain the status quo. And the people within the system can’t simply be replaced. This toxic system can often include extended family members, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and others. In order to survive, it needs its members to remain in the loop and to play their given parts.

So, scapegoats will often experience attempts by family members to keep them drawn into the mix. A narcissistic parent needs the scapegoat; to talk about, complain about, blame, control, condescend to, put down, manipulate. Without this relational dynamic, the narcissist’s system falls apart. This is at the very root of the entire game they play to feed their fragile egos. How can they play the victim or place blame if the scapegoat isn’t available? Who do they compare their golden child to, if not the scapegoat? How do they pass their time with, perhaps, an enabling partner if they don’t have their usual scapegoat fodder to regularly discuss and dissect? It may not even be the narcissistic parent who attempts to draw a scapegoat back into the fold. In fact, they’re more likely to play the victim of ‘abandonment’ and then encourage others to do the convincing on their behalf. It could be the enabling parent, siblings, other relatives, or flying monkeys (people who do the narcissist’s bidding on the mistaken belief that the narcissist is being victimized) who are friends of the narcissist. Why? Because they likely feel ill at ease with the shift in the system, in addition to having to deal with an angry narcissist who, without their fall guy, might now be aiming their increased victim charade, outbursts, blaming, and negative behaviour at other people. Everyone in the system wants to keep the narcissist happy, if only to make their own lives less difficult. Just like a loss of hydro to a home, the goal of a toxic family that has lost its integral scapegoat is to reinstitute them in their role and put the system back to ‘normal’.

To sum it up, toxic family systems will be turned on their heads when a scapegoat makes the decision to remove themselves. And those who remain will struggle with the change and will have a tendency to want to bring everything back as it was. Holding an awareness of this can be of great benefit for scapegoats. We may get the emotional impression management treatment from family members who want us to return to our role so that everything will be back in place. “We all miss you, please come back. We’re your family”. But the sad truth is that they don’t miss ‘us’; they miss the perceived stability of the toxic system, whether they realize it or not. Everyone needs to play their part to keep the dysfunction alive and well in order to have even the slightest chance of a bit of peace in their lives. This system is familiar and it’s what keeps narcissists as content as they can be, which means that everything can keep rolling along, as well as it possibly can in such a disordered environment. When we leave, they want us to return, but not for the right reasons.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Difficult Realizations

January 13, 2023 / Heather / 0 Comments

(Just a note to start off with. As promised, more to come on self-acceptance (see previous post) in an upcoming post.)

Anyone who reaches an awareness of the toxicity of someone in their life – be it a parent, sibling, significant other, etc. – has to have experienced a major realization at some point. That a-ha! moment where everything (months, years, or even decades) suddenly makes sense. “Oh, wow. My Mom behaves like a narcissist!” or “My best friend of 10 years has been plotting to steal my partner all this time!” Something will trigger us to see what’s really been going on. An epiphany of sorts.

For many of us, this new reality may become crushingly clear. It could come in the form of suddenly realizing that not only has, for example, a parent not authentically supported us throughout our lives, but they have actually been actively creating and maintaining a negative narrative in their minds about us for years. And, beyond that, they have spread this narrative to others. Maybe we’ve been unjustifiably portrayed as stubborn, selfish, difficult, unintelligent, overly sensitive, lazy, or unable to successfully run our own lives. And there have likely even been occasions when we have spoken up for ourselves when subtle insinuations to these narratives have been made, only to realize that no one bothered to truly hear a word we said and simply went forward as though we had never spoken. Why? Because they’re more interested in keeping the narrative alive, for whatever reason. The whole dynamic of toxic people and their enablers or other people they’ve manipulated is typically a strong one, and, in the end, people will believe what they want to believe, regardless of facts.

Let’s take a closer look at this component of someone spreading false narratives about us and those on the receiving end believing what they want to believe, typically at the urging of a toxic person or people. Let’s face it: if the person spreading falsehoods about us happens to be a parent, many people would simply assume it must be true. Especially those who are not well-versed in toxic behaviours within families, for example, and the mechanisms of scapegoating. And that can be a tough pill to swallow, when you can’t understand how someone could believe something so absolutely inaccurate about you. But, really, anyone who has their head on straight would know better than to accept any narrative about someone without hearing what that individual has to say. And they would also have the option to avoid judgment and simply disregard the information altogether. Where does that leave us, though, when we become aware that not only has someone we may love and trust (such as a parent) been fabricating stories about who we are, but that they’ve spread it to others who are taking it at face value? It leaves us with the opportunity of finding the strength to embrace what our truth is while acknowledging and accepting that any number of factors and variables are at play around us at any given time. And that we don’t need to JADE – Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain – ourselves to anyone if we choose not to do so, especially about who we are as people or regarding our own lives and the choices we make. If someone doesn’t know who we are … who we really are as a person … then that’s their issue, not ours. If they choose to believe someone’s false narrative about us, that’s their prerogative. In the end, other people’s opinions and beliefs about us don’t have any bearing on who we genuinely are. It may disrupt relationships that we thought were deeper, but that’s nothing we can’t survive. Actually, isn’t it better to know than to go along thinking people have our back when they really don’t? I think so.

In the end, these realizations of toxic dynamics in our families and other relationships can be upsetting, disappointing, and hurtful. Sometimes they’re traumatic. Believing that someone has always had our best interests at heart and then finding out that it was anything but, can be gut-wrenching. But we are strong enough to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move forward. Yes, it can be challenging but, in the end, we’re stronger for the lessons we’ve learned and the empowerment, awareness, and knowledge we’ve gained.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Social Determinants of Health and Growing up in a Dysfunctional Family (Possibly with Narcissists)

December 18, 2022 / Heather / 0 Comments

In my current university program studies, a certain number of electives are required in order to fulfill the requirements of a degree. Last year, I stumbled across an elective course on the subject of the social determinants of health (SDoH). It sounded interesting so I decided to take it. I have since taken two more courses on related subjects on health inequities and health promotions/interventions. To say that I’m intrigued would be an understatement.

So, if you haven’t already heard of them, the SDoH are: “the non-medical factors that influence health outcomes. They are the conditions in which people are born, grow, work, live, and age, and the wider set of forces and systems shaping the conditions of daily life” (CDC, 2022). Further, SDoH are “linked to a lack of opportunity and resources to protect, improve, and maintain health. Taken together, these factors create health inequities— types of health disparities that stem from unfair and unjust systems, policies, and practices, and limit access to the opportunities and resources needed to live the healthiest life possible” (CDC, 2022).

Borrowed from CMHA – Ontario

To be more specific, SDoH come in many forms:

unemployment and job security
gender
Indigenous status
disability
housing
early life
income and income distribution
education
race
employment and working conditions
social exclusion
food insecurity
social safety net
health services

Looking at the example of early life, unresolved childhood trauma can result in mental health and/or addictions issues, to name just two.

I think it’s easy to see how growing up (early life) with, for example, a narcissistic parent could be considered a social determinant of health, encompassing the holistic (whole person) levels of mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, and social health. These experiences have the strong potential to send us down paths that lead to serious impacts which negatively affect our overall health and wellbeing. There are obviously other SDoH’s listed above that could be linked with a dysfunctional upbringing.

With this knowledge in hand, a strong response as, say, an adult child of a narcissist(s) acquiring awareness of their disordered childhood and onward, would be: educating oneself on narcissism and its far-reaching, negative effects in order to understand the ‘why’ and ‘how’ on a personal level; engaging in regular self-care; accessing professional resources (mental health, coaching, wellness, etc.) to assist in their healing journey; and so on. Focusing on the hurt caused by a toxic person or people doesn’t typically aid in healthy, positive progress. But what does help is acknowledging the pain, understanding the mechanisms behind the dysfunctional behaviour and its impacts on us as targets, and then focusing on healing ourselves so that we can find peace and fulfillment in our lives and relationships of our choosing (as opposed to ones we were born into, should we decide we no longer wish to maintain them).

We owe it to ourselves to be resilient and move forward despite what we’ve endured. Is it an easy task? Definitely not. But is it worth it? Absolutely, 100 percent. The possibilities for our lives are virtually limitless when we acquire the coping tools to see beyond the effects of the cloud of abuse and dysfunction, and maybe even remove ourselves from its unpleasant influence altogether. That’s an entirely different topic, though – see previous posts on low contact and no contact.

Special Occasions and Toxic Families

November 25, 2022 / Heather / 0 Comments

With Thanksgiving underway in the U.S. today, there will be many people attempting to deal with difficult situations. This could be in the form of interacting with toxic family members or experiencing loneliness from being either no contact or ignored. There’s no doubt that all of these situations are incredibly challenging and painful. The big question is: what’s the best way to deal with upsetting contact and/or loneliness, especially during special occasions?

The answer to that question is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Each individual’s situation is unique, as is where they currently are in their journey. So, as a result, there is no perfect answer. It comes down to knowing that we have the right and ability to do what works best for us as individuals. That may mean expressing boundaries to toxic family members. It may mean staying home or spending time with other people. There are a multitude of possibilities. But in the end, what is important is that we do what works best for us. That looks different for each person. For some, it may mean maintaining the status quo because conflict isn’t on the books for us right now. For others, it may look like taking a stand and laying down lines that we will enforce at all costs. For others still, peace and contentment may include the choice to simply stay home and avoid the toxicity. And all of those are perfectly fine if it fits with our current needs and goals. One tactic that rarely works in creating or keeping peace within ourselves is doing what we think will make others happy. Most of us who have grown up in dysfunctional family systems have been trained to focus our energy primarily on the happiness of others, rather than tending to our own lives. So it helps to be aware of this tendency and keep its potential influence in mind when we’re making decisions.

No matter what, just know that doing what is right for any of us, at this particular point in time, is the most important component. There’s no rulebook or guides to follow. There is no comparison necessary. Everyone’s journey is unique. We need to live the life we’ve been given, to the best of our abilities. Sometimes things get confusing and difficult, but if the focus is on peace and our best interests, then we’ll find our way.

Sending out vibes of positivity to each and every one of you, wherever you may be.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Don’t Let Fear Keep You Stuck

February 2, 2022 / Heather / 0 Comments

My university courses are keeping me quite busy these days and yet the ideas for blog posts continue to flow. So, here we go!

One of the things that commonly holds people in a toxic romantic relationship is fear of change and of being alone. Many hold on to their current situation because they believe that starting over would be worse. Others may seek out new partners prior to leaving, in an effort to have a new relationship to run to, which generally won’t end well because we aren’t in the right place to make it work. That’s not fair to us or the new person we’ve escaped to.

Starting a new chapter can be an amazing opportunity, particularly when the last chapter involved abuse. And a new chapter started independently can be beneficial as well. Being on our own allows us to get to know ourselves, possibly in ways we had never experienced in the past. Once we get to know ourselves and grow into that knowledge, we will often find that there were patterns in our lives that led us down certain paths, some of which were undoubtedly not healthy for us. Time on our own can help us to build self-esteem and the clarity to spot red flags with new people who come into our lives so that we always have the tools to stand strong, put up boundaries, and protect ourselves from future harm.

An especially important part of leaving and then healing from any toxic relationship is a support system. However, many of us who have grown up in a dysfunctional family have learned that expressing emotions is not acceptable and we will often have been met with diminishing comments about how weak we are for having feelings, or maybe a flat-out refusal to even acknowledge that we are in a difficult emotional space. There’s also a good chance of being blamed for our situation, which is ironic, given that our choice of partners is typically a result of dysfunctional family experiences and belief systems handed down to us regarding the treatment we’re expected to accept from loved ones. If we’re allowed to speak of our troubles, we might also be ridiculed or have our experiences spewed out to any number of other people in the form of gossip. So the focus should be on finding a support system that we can lean on and trust. Maybe that’s an anonymous online forum or support group, a counsellor or coach, a trusted friend or family member; whoever it may be, it’s always beneficial to get our feelings out so that we can gain perspective and strength and begin healing. In the event that we aren’t yet ready to say any of it out loud or we haven’t yet found a safe space in which to do so, journaling can be helpful. Even if our feelings get written down and then we shred or burn the pages afterwards, the benefit comes from having expressed ourselves. Picture it as a form of release of negativity and hurt, helping us move forward.

Don’t be afraid of new chapters or going solo. Yes, it’s unnerving; the unknown can cause us to feel immense worry and concern. But just know that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. At the risk of sounding like a broken record from previous posts, make self-love and self-care priorities in your life. Find the courage to push forward to something better. We’re always stronger than we may give ourselves credit for. Find your support system in whatever form you feel safe with. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know that new opportunities are around every corner. Eventually, you will find yourself in a better place, even if you need to fake it ’til you make it. Just don’t be deterred by fear of change or being on your own. As the saying goes, when we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Perspective is an amazing tool when we choose to utilize it.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter

Tag: knowledge is power (Page 1 of 2)

Engage in ‘Flow’ for Self-Care

How to Say Goodbye to Limiting Beliefs

Ways to Manage Eco-anxiety

Scapegoats/Black Sheep are often Truth-Tellers

The Two Sides of an Enabling Parent

What Happens When We Leave a Toxic System?

Difficult Realizations

Special Occasions and Toxic Families

Don’t Let Fear Keep You Stuck

Recent Posts

Recent Posts