Tag: inner child

Time and Experiences Lost to Toxic People

February 2, 2023 / / 0 Comments

One of the things that I found most challenging in my own healing journey was the feeling of having lost time and positive life experiences as the result of narcissistic abuse.  And this can be the case for anyone when having dealt with or currently dealing with any type of toxic individual.  What do I mean by that?  As children and young adults being raised in a dysfunctional family, it’s common to lose our sense of identity (if we were even able to form or express one in this environment) and to miss out on common life experiences.  We may not have been permitted to socialize (in order to isolate us, or because we’re pressured for high performance in academics and other pursuits, etc.), which then impacts on belonging within social circles.  This can result in exclusion and loneliness, or even being bullied.  We may be pressured to look and act a certain way that doesn’t represent who we truly are, or made to behave and dress in provocative ways (or the exact opposite).  This impacts on our future relationships and self-image, and it may even create lifelong issues surrounding intimacy.  These are just a couple of examples.

So, in addition to being abused and all of the issues it creates for us, we may be left feeling that we lost time and positive life experiences, and that we were cheated out of all or parts of our childhood or teenage years.  Maybe we didn’t appreciate our youth because, due to family dysfunction, we were not given the opportunity to do so, or we were made to feel like we didn’t have the option to enjoy it because we needed to spend time being high achievers in absolutely everything, or that we were selfish if we enjoyed just being a kid or a teen, or we didn’t think highly of our appearance, intelligence, personality, and so on because we were criticized and put down.  All of these components may even have been the cause of lost opportunities in our futures, many that we are unaware of until further into adulthood.

As adults, this can all be difficult to accept.  I mean, we have had our childhoods damaged or completely stolen from us.  We missed out on experiences because of other people’s dysfunction and brokenness.  And we have every right to be angry, hurt, resentful, sad …    It’s absolutely okay to visit those feelings, but it’s not healthy for us to take up residence there.   Not only is it important to press forward and enjoy our lives in the now, but it’s crucial that we don’t lose more precious time.  When we get stuck in the negative feelings, we lose more time to situations that were beyond our control and are now firmly in the past.  We were unknowingly caught up in other people’s issues.

We need to be patient and kind with ourselves and our inner child.  This wasn’t our fault.  We didn’t ask for any of it.  But we do need to hold ourselves accountable for how we’ll work on healing ourselves and moving forward.  There’s a great deal of satisfaction and fulfillment to be derived from having a growth mindset and reaching for what we want our lives to look like.  And although it can’t bring back lost time, missed experiences or opportunities, it can help us to enjoy and make the most of our reclaimed lives and identities.  Look forward, not back.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

Happy Holidays! Here’s some tips to help you get through, especially if toxic people are in the picture

December 21, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Well, here we go.  Another holiday season is upon us.  While special occasions should be enjoyable, they can be quite the opposite when toxic people are involved.  Be they partners, family, friends, coworkers, etc., some people seem to drag their drama and unpleasantries to every party, gathering, and dinner table when the holidays come around.

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, if we need/want to attend events that will include narcissists and other difficult people, boundaries are always at our disposal.  That could include avoiding conversations, speaking minimally if we get pulled into any chit-chat, or walking away if we feel the need to do so.  It’s possible to be polite and not make a scene when attempting to avoid contact with someone.  Unless we’d like to make a scene, of course.  In that case, go for it!  Just be true to you, whatever that may look like.  And even if we’re in a room full of enablers (flying monkeys) of the toxic person/people, we can hold our heads high while recognizing that narcissists are very convincing, manipulative people who can pull the wool over some people’s eyes.  But that often changes.  Until then, we can define it as one of those “it is what it is” situations.  In the end, the behaviour of toxic people and their dutiful flying monkeys has absolutely nothing to do with us.  We just happen to be the (often scapegoated) current target of their misery and drama.

We can also choose not to attend events at which the person or people in question may be.  Yes, it sucks to miss out but we need to weigh that against loss of peace and increases in stress levels.

For those of us who are low- or no-contact and have been choosing not to attend events with certain individuals, the little worm of loneliness may try to creep in.  But we can ignore that feeling by keeping ourselves busy with new traditions, hobbies, or making plans for spending time with people who are less challenging to be around.

And above all else, make time for self-care.  Even five minutes can help if that’s all the time we can manage.  Deep breathing, yoga, going for a walk, time with friends, a warm bath…whatever gives us some downtime and relaxation can make a world of difference.  Absolutely every little moment of self-care helps our bodies, minds, and spirits to stay resilient and provides optimal chances for overall wellbeing.

Happy Holidays!  We can do this! 

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Emotional Loneliness in Abnormal Environments

November 17, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As children in dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists in the mix, emotional loneliness can be a strong factor in our lives.  We may feel very alone and abandoned, and, in many cases, this creates feelings of something being ‘wrong’ with us.  In turn, we may use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with all of it.

This emotional loneliness comes from being in an abnormal environment where sympathetic interest in us is lacking.  We may be told we’re too sensitive or too emotional.  Or the unspoken (or sometimes spoken) message might be that we don’t matter enough to our family for them to even take the time or make the effort to hear us or provide any support or comfort.  We’re usually conditioned to believe that the only voices that matter come from our caregivers and that they’re the only ones who are permitted to have and express all manner of emotions.  It’s a lonely and emotionally cut-off place to be, without a doubt.  This is abuse and it creates interpersonal trauma.

But does feeling this way mean there’s something wrong with us?  No.  Not in any way, shape, or form.  The way we feel is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal environment.  In most cases, our caregivers simply weren’t emotionally mature enough themselves, for whatever reason, to offer emotional support to anyone else.  We feel the effects of that void in the form of emotional loneliness.  It’s like being completely alone on an island.  As humans, it’s absolutely normal to feel this way in response to a lack of healthy contact and support from our caregivers.  It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us.  The root of these feelings is people who aren’t there for us the way they should be.  And we’re having normal human reactions to being starved of those connections and experiences.

So, how do we overcome emotional loneliness?  First of all, be aware that it won’t happen overnight, but it’s worth taking the time to heal.  We need to begin by repairing our conditioned reality.  Dysfunctional families are not there for one another in healthy and supportive ways.  If we’re looking at narcissistic parenting, for example, narcissists, with their fragile and needy egos, have zero ability or desire to attend to anyone but themselves, and they expect everyone around them to make them the center of the universe as well.  Once we see that, things begin to make sense.  “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with me!  I was reacting normally to an abnormal environment.”  Then we need to move on to the next step, which is to learn to love ourselves.  It sounds cliched, for sure.  But it helps us to heal.  This can look like building compassion for and trust in ourselves, giving ourselves the unconditional love that we deserved but rarely or never received as children, comforting and hearing our inner child, learning to silence our internal critic and the guilt and shame that has been unjustly forced on us, and exercising regular self-care.  We need to develop healthy, non-toxic relationships with self and with supportive others in order to heal ourselves.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

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