Tag: healthy (Page 8 of 10)
In this age of technology, we have the ability to instantly find information on virtually anything and anyone. Although we need to exercise discretion in what we choose to believe of what we see and read online, there’s no doubt that there are all kinds of self-help resources to be found with a simple search.
So, have you checked out the new, free course that is available here at Natural Clarity Coaching? On the main page, open the menu (three white lines below the header) and select ‘Free Mini-Courses’. The current freebie is about the basics of narcissistic personality disorder, and there are more to come on a variety of topics.
How about the new course under the ‘Shop Online Courses’ tab? That one’s on intuition and red flag awareness. It’s $19.99 (U.S.) but I feel a sale coming on! And there are more courses coming in the near future.
What I can tell you about the courses at Natural Clarity Coaching is that they are created with a backing of not only personal experience and ongoing post-secondary education in psychology and trauma, but with genuine empathy and a desire to help others in difficult times. And the focus of these courses isn’t “what’s wrong with this person who hurt me” (although this is touched on for understanding of the topic), but, rather, a roadmap that moves from learning to healing, growing, and thriving.
That’s all for now! If you check out any of the courses, enjoy! And check back often because there’s plenty more to come. Oh, and these blogs are always available 24/7!!
Until next time,
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching
www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com
Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and TikTok
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours
This free mini-course touches on the basics of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Optimal viewing is full screen (button in bottom right-hand corner of slideshow below).
Click on each slide to move to the next or use left-right arrow keys . Use ‘escape’ to leave the full screen mode.
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching
Yes, it’s possible for a narcissist to have been, or still be, a scapegoat. This is particularly true when they have been narcissistically abused by a parent or guardian. It isn’t necessarily golden children who may become egotistical and/or narcissistic.
I’ll share a bit about the case of an individual (not a client) who grew up with three siblings. He has two sisters and an older brother. This brother is the golden child of the family, while the person I mentioned was – and still is – the scapegoat. His mother never has a kind or complimentary thing to say about him, and she does her best to control everything in his life, which has led him to many downfalls. And yet she raves about her oldest son while continuing to criticize her other adult son. Of note is the fact that her oldest son is quite a narcissist himself but couldn’t do wrong in her eyes if he tried.
In this particular situation, this narcissistic mother believed herself to have been an outstanding farmer with a huge cattle operation when her children were young, and yet accounts from others – including her scapegoated son – were that they lived on a relatively small hobby farm that never amounted to much. Livestock was not well cared for, plentiful crops evaded her, and veggie gardens were not productive. But the point to be made here is that she has always placed immense importance on farming because, in her narcissistic mind, she felt that she was exceptional at it. And so, her scapegoated son has spent his life to date attempting to become a farmer that his toxic mother would be proud of. He has poured tens of thousands of dollars into creating what he thinks would impress her. He lost his family over the obsession, although his alcoholism and narcissistic abuse were also major contributing factors. Yet, in the end, he has never been successful at farming despite decades of trying. Why? Because it isn’t his dream. It’s his mother’s dream. And the sad fact is that even if he were to be successful, it would never be enough for her. He will never receive the love and validation that he has craved from his mother for his entire life.
This scapegoated narcissist will likely spend all his days attempting to live out someone else’s dreams in the hopes of finally being acknowledged and praised by someone who is incapable of giving that to him. His only release may come about when his mother passes on.
So, yes, narcissists can simultaneously be scapegoats. The hits to the ego that are a part of being a scapegoated child have the potential to turn a person into an ego-protecting and abusive narcissist, seeking out their own scapegoats, while continuing to be narcissistically abused by a disordered parent. Sad mixture, for certain.
Everyone has a story that has brought them to their current chapter. While it’s a challenge to feel sympathy for narcissists, simply trying to put oneself in their shoes for a few moments is often enough to shine a spotlight on their unpleasant existence. If nothing else, it allows for a glimpse into why they behave the way they do. We don’t have to forgive if we don’t choose to, but sometimes it helps to understand why narcissists are they way they are. It allows us to know that it has nothing to do with us but everything to do with their own internal chaos.
Here are some great books on narcissistic families and scapegoats: https://amzn.to/3KYNMVI
Until next time,
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *
Hey there! So I thought it might be beneficial to go over dysfunctional and toxic family systems, such as is found with narcissists. This is a topic I’ve written about in the past, but I’m aware that there are always people coming to the blog who are in the beginning stages of trying to understand their situation.
Typically, there will be one narcissist at the helm of a family. Occasionally there will be two, but that’s a rarity. Why? Because narcissists generally gravitate towards partners who will make them the center of attention, and two narcissists couldn’t realistically supply each other with all of that ego-stroking. They want their ego stroked, and they aren’t interested in authentically doing that for anyone else. So partners of narcissists tend to be what is described as enablers. These individuals don’t take a stand for themselves or any children they may have with the narcissist. And they spend the majority of their time attempting to keep the peace and ensure that the narcissist is happy — at any cost. Enabling behaviour may also involve spending as little time at home as possible, leaving children entirely alone with the narcissist parent.
Next, in any narcissistic family there needs to be a scapegoat or black sheep amongst their children. In some cases, there’s more than one scapegoat. Scapegoats are chosen by the narcissist at birth or a young age (for any number of ridiculous reasons from gender to intelligence, physical traits, personality, and so on) and, at the urging of the narcissist parent, are blamed for everything by everyone in the family, including by their golden child sibling(s). There are many stories of scapegoats being told they have been the problem in their family since they were born! I know…it makes absolutely no sense, but that’s the way this dysfunctional system operates.
Golden child was made mention of in the previous paragraph. This child is also chosen by the narcissist, but for entirely different reasons than the scapegoat (yet it’s typically as senseless as the reasons behind the narcissist’s choice of a scapegoat). This golden child can do no wrong, ever. They are viewed as perfection itself by the narcissistic parent. The perfect baby, the smartest and funniest child, the most attractive teenager — you get the picture. And this adoration continues into adulthood for the golden child, while the scapegoat is unable to cast off their negative label no matter what they’ve accomplished in life.
The narcissistic family system requires everyone to play their assigned roles. The narcissist has all of the power and control over the family. The enabling parent needs to supply the narcissist with ongoing support, ego-stroking, and undying love. These enabling parents will throw their scapegoat child(ren) to the wolves time and again if it means keeping the peace between themselves and their narcissist partner. And this is because not only have they been told over and over again how ‘fill-in-the-blank-with-a-negative-word’ the scapegoat is, to the point that it’s simply accepted as fact, but if they don’t go along with the narcissist, their life is made miserable by narcissistic abuse. It is rare for an enabling parent to defend a scapegoat child for those very reasons. The golden child receives never-ending praise and is a source of great pride for the narcissist parent. And the scapegoat is the one who can never do anything right and is constantly having fingers pointed at them as the cause of all issues within the family (even though they probably haven’t done anything, or anything worth such berating).
From within this system, it’s easy for scapegoats to find themselves in other abusive relationships as they get older. When you’re told you’re always in the wrong and to blame for everyone’s problems, it’s easy to feel like that’s ‘normal’. It can be said that scapegoats often gravitate towards toxic people, and the reverse is also true. Toxic people need others to abuse and control, while scapegoats have been conditioned to follow orders and accept whatever is dished out to them. It’s an unfortunate but ideal pairing.
But once we see it — the abusive behaviour, controlling, gaslighting, unfairness — it’s difficult to un-see it. And although it’s common to feel stuck, there are ways out of this role and, if we choose, out of these relationships. Boundaries, low contact, no contact, etc. To start, though, we can begin to heal by empowering ourselves and recognizing our value. There are posts about all of this within the Natural Clarity Coaching blog pages, and there will be more to come. Because it’s all about empowerment and healing. Feel free to drop in and read posts at any time. They were written to empower, support, and give hope.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *
As children in dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists in the mix, emotional loneliness can be a strong factor in our lives. We may feel very alone and abandoned, and, in many cases, this creates feelings of something being ‘wrong’ with us. In turn, we may use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with all of it.
This emotional loneliness comes from being in an abnormal environment where sympathetic interest in us is lacking. We may be told we’re too sensitive or too emotional. Or the unspoken (or sometimes spoken) message might be that we don’t matter enough to our family for them to even take the time or make the effort to hear us or provide any support or comfort. We’re usually conditioned to believe that the only voices that matter come from our caregivers and that they’re the only ones who are permitted to have and express all manner of emotions. It’s a lonely and emotionally cut-off place to be, without a doubt. This is abuse and it creates interpersonal trauma.
But does feeling this way mean there’s something wrong with us? No. Not in any way, shape, or form. The way we feel is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal environment. In most cases, our caregivers simply weren’t emotionally mature enough themselves, for whatever reason, to offer emotional support to anyone else. We feel the effects of that void in the form of emotional loneliness. It’s like being completely alone on an island. As humans, it’s absolutely normal to feel this way in response to a lack of healthy contact and support from our caregivers. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. The root of these feelings is people who aren’t there for us the way they should be. And we’re having normal human reactions to being starved of those connections and experiences.
So, how do we overcome emotional loneliness? First of all, be aware that it won’t happen overnight, but it’s worth taking the time to heal. We need to begin by repairing our conditioned reality. Dysfunctional families are not there for one another in healthy and supportive ways. If we’re looking at narcissistic parenting, for example, narcissists, with their fragile and needy egos, have zero ability or desire to attend to anyone but themselves, and they expect everyone around them to make them the center of the universe as well. Once we see that, things begin to make sense. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with me! I was reacting normally to an abnormal environment.” Then we need to move on to the next step, which is to learn to love ourselves. It sounds cliched, for sure. But it helps us to heal. This can look like building compassion for and trust in ourselves, giving ourselves the unconditional love that we deserved but rarely or never received as children, comforting and hearing our inner child, learning to silence our internal critic and the guilt and shame that has been unjustly forced on us, and exercising regular self-care. We need to develop healthy, non-toxic relationships with self and with supportive others in order to heal ourselves.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
The realization of the fact that you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, your eyes have been opened and you are now aware, which offers you the opportunity to make well-informed choices for yourself. On the other hand, this awareness often brings with it feelings of anger, regret, sadness, shame, isolation, confusion and so on. It basically takes your emotions on a whirlwind roller coaster ride.
My advice is to allow yourself to fully feel the array of emotions. They will be intense and sometimes overwhelming but you need to feel them in order to move on to processing them. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, etc. If you feel the need to talk with someone about your journey, do your best to turn to someone you know you can trust. This could be a family member, friend, support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching, or a counsellor/therapist. It’s not advisable to share your feelings with your abuser because that will simply open more doors for them to continue abusing you and playing mind games. Clarity is incredibly important at this time, so not allowing the narcissist to muddy the waters is beneficial. Yes, you’ll want to tell them that you’ve figured them out and that you’re incredibly hurt and upset. Just remember that these are people who lack empathy and compassion; they will never sincerely take accountability for their actions let alone offer up an apology or anything else that might make you feel less damaged. Plus, their goal is to continue to control you and carry on with your focus being on them, so keeping your feelings quiet from this person is usually the best policy. Find whatever trustworthy and helpful support systems you can while you’re moving through this part of the journey. Of course, if you prefer to do this solo, by all means, do. Whatever works for you. If you want to but can’t find anyone (or even if you can but could use more connections), online support groups can be incredibly helpful. There is something comforting and empowering about being able to read posts, write posts or comments if you want, involving people who have been or are currently in a similar place as you in a relationship with a narcissist (parent, partner, friend, etc.), It helps with gaining insight, feeling understood without having to explain yourself, seeing all of the parallels in the narcissists’ behaviours, and gaining strength in the knowledge that you didn’t cause this situation. In fact, many people begin to see that most narcissists seem to operate by the same play book! Sad but true.
When you’re with the narcissist or by yourself in these early days of awareness, bring in calming and self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment), engaging in hobbies, getting out into nature, exercising, to name a few. Try to keep your mind from ruminating and replaying all of the negativity. That will just drag you into a potential state of depression and/or anxiety. And it’s okay to feel anger towards the narcissist but advisable to keep it under wraps. Now is the time to engage in self-care in order to keep yourself strong on all levels. Educate yourself on narcissism and how it has impacted you. Put some time into getting back in touch with yourself, your needs, your hopes and dreams. Focus on the future and what and who YOU want in your life from now on. You have arrived at a fork in your journey’s path and you have options from which to choose. Make plans for how you will deal with your new view of the relationship in question. Yes, there will no doubt be days that it all seems like too much and you might feel utter sadness and loss. You might even try to convince yourself that you’re wrong about this person and that you should give them a second chance. That’s perfectly ‘normal’.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, a great gauge for relationships is honestly taking a close look at how you truly feel when you’re around someone. Does the way they treat you make you feel good about yourself? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you feel cared for and important? Or does their behaviour make you feel unloved, unappreciated, and generally less-than? Is there often an air of condescension and disdain from this person when you interact with them? Do you regularly feel fearful in their presence, like you’re walking on eggshells, or worried that they could abandon you at any moment? Do you feel manipulated, controlled and/or under attack and as though you’re always making them upset and/or angry? Asking yourself these questions and answering them with 100 percent honesty can be a great reality check, especially if you have recently wondered if or decided that someone in your life is abusive towards you.
In summary, here are possible steps (in their simplest form) towards recovery:
- Let the information about the narcissist and abuse sink in. Take all the time you need. It is typically shocking and life-altering when this revelation takes place.
- Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come along with this realization, regardless of how difficult it may be. Do your best to not skip this step. It may seem too intense or as though you can just stuff everything down, but it doesn’t work that way. Feel them, because whether they make you angry, sad, confused, empty, or anything in between, you need to feel them. This is an integral part of the process.
- While you are working on Step #2, do some research on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You will likely discover that narcissists are disordered, dysfunctional people (most of whom have been hurt by other narcissists) who spend every waking moment trying to protect their fragile egos. If you happened to get caught up in their vortex, just know that their behaviour had nothing to do with you. You are not to blame. They are on auto-pilot in their lives, seeking to constantly fill a never-ending void (supply of attention from others) and to placate and dull their underlying feelings of weakness, neediness, low self-esteem and dysfunction. They typically demonstrate the same cycle of behaviours in most of their relationships. When you realize that, despite all the narcissist’s complaints and projections directed at you, their problems and issues are not your fault, you aren’t defective or to blame for everything that goes wrong in their life, you are deserving of kindness, respect and caring, then you will learn to expect so much more for yourself and not be willing to accept sub-par treatment.
- Begin to process your emotions. You’ve taken the opportunity to feel them, and now it’s time to look at them from a more practical standpoint. Sometimes it helps to do this with a therapist or within a safe support system. But if you feel that you want to start out on your own with it, give it a try. Don’t expect this stage to be a quick one, though. The gamut of emotions has likely been run throughout your relationship with this person so there will be a lot to sort through and try to make sense of. You may even question everything you felt or believed in the past. You may need to revisit many different memories and experiences in order to look at them from a new point of view. That’s okay. In time, your mind and heart will put it all together in such a way that you can move forward more easily. For now, show yourself patience, understanding and love. You’ve been through a very difficult experience and you need to feel compassion for yourself.
Whatever you do, don’t skip this step.(#4). When we leave emotions and challenging experiences unprocessed, they don’t just go away. They will interfere with our everyday lives and new relationships and friendships, sometimes in ways that the connection to your past experiences isn’t even on the radar. They will pop up at times when you least expect them, sometimes in the oddest of ways. But have no doubt, they’ll be there until you deal with them once and for all. Imagery can help here. A good exercise is to face the memories/thoughts/feelings head-on. Picture each of them as being on a sheet of paper. Be honest with yourself about how you felt at that particular time and how you feel now. You could even write everything down and then burn the papers later, or work through it out loud with a trusted support person. And then, when you feel ready, imagine placing that sheet of ‘memory’ paper into a file folder marked ‘Closed’, which then goes into a filing cabinet or even a bonfire. Whatever works for you, give it a try. EMDR and Brainspotting are also very helpful for processing difficult emotions and thoughts. Find a qualified practitioner if this interests you. - Start making plans for your future that include your hopes and dreams. It’s finally your time to fully take care of yourself and begin to look forward to what lies ahead on your journey. And now that your awareness of narcissism has grown, you will be much less likely to fall prey to a narcissist in the future.
Wishing you well on your journey!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, Twitter
The bottom line when it comes to negative, unpleasant people is that you have no obligation to have them in your life. From romantic partners to family members to friends to coworkers and everyone in between, no one has an obligation to accept and endure toxic behaviour.
I’ve said this in past posts but it deserves repeating – focus on how you ‘feel’ when in the presence of a negative (potentially narcissistic) individual. How do you feel on every level (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual)? If being in the same room with someone makes you feel anxious, depressed, fearful, worried, bad about yourself (one or all of the above), it might be beneficial for you to assess your relationship with them.
Try spending time with other people whose very presence makes you feel peaceful, positive, cared for, etc. because they foster those environments and feelings, and you will notice the massive differences as compared to interacting with a toxic person. Life can be happier, more peaceful and rewarding when we interact with positive people.
What can we do if we can’t find new functional friends or spend time with these sorts of positive people right now, particularly because of COVID? It’s always a good thing to learn to be content and happy by yourself. Hobbies, activities you enjoy, relaxing … whatever it may be, you can be your own happy place. In the end, we are the only ones who can make ourselves truly happy. That isn’t something anyone else can do for us.
So, call that fun relative or friend, hang out in an online forum with others who have common interests, or spend some quality time on your own. But try to avoid believing that you have any responsibility or obligation to allow negative (especially narcissistic), unpleasant, hurtful people to be a part of your existence.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Exercise is an important part of self-care. It can be anything from stretching routines to walks to running to biking to hiking to working out with weights to swimming to skiing to skateboarding and the list goes on. Many forms of exercise don’t cost a dime to engage in.
When you add in exercise that takes place outside, it brings the element of nature to the situation. Depending upon where you are, nature often involves beautiful sights, fresh air, quiet and so on. It can help you to feel more calm and peaceful while your body experiences the many benefits of physical activity.
Sometimes the last thing we feel like doing or believe we have time for is exercise. I have often felt that way. But the truth is that after exercising, I have never once regretted doing so. In fact, I usually feel rejuvenated and energized.
Exercise can be whatever you want it to be and scheduled so that it easily fits into your life. It has a multitude of mental and physical benefits, and there are many options that come with no cost.
If you haven’t already, consider adding exercise into your life at whatever level you feel comfortable. Once you push through finding excuses not to do it, it gets easier and more enjoyable every time you engage in physical activity.
Here is a book and corresponding link to it that could be helpful if you’re interested in delving deeper into this area of self-care:
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Narcissists rarely change; not in any authentic way. If they appear to have done so, it’s likely to not be genuine or long-term and is just being used as a tactic to manipulate someone or obtain something. Of the many narcissistically-inclined individuals I’ve known, the stories I’ve heard over the years, the articles I’ve read, the training/education I’ve had on this personality type – they simply don’t tend to change. I won’t say ‘never’ because, well, there could be that rare person who beats the odds. Stranger things have happened. In my experience, though, I’ve yet to see a narcissist change, particularly for the better. In times where I’ve cut a toxic, narcissistic individual out of my life and then heard something about them years later, they’re still doing exactly the same things to their targets. Same cycle over and over and over again, just with different pawns playing in their toxic game.
I’ve had conversations with a narcissist who, on multiple occasions, promised not to do/say something that was emotionally hurting a loved one and then, literally five minutes later, did it again, right in front of me. The need for extreme ego protection and stroking keeps narcissists locked into their behaviour. And because they lack empathy, not even the continued pain they typically create for others will cause them to alter their ways. They convince themselves that the hurt they create is justified and, many times, build up scenarios in which they’re not only hurting people but also making it seem as though those very people have actually been hurting them.
So, if you’re in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist, it’s not advisable to get your hopes up that they will ever change for the better in any lasting way. It doesn’t usually happen with this type of disordered individual. You can try to explain decent and honest behaviour to them until you’re blue in the face; you can drag them to counselling with you; you can attempt to convey your perspective ten times over in the hopes that maybe they’ll finally listen to you but the fact remains that a narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. The chances of them ‘getting it’, accepting it and wanting to do something about it are slim to nil.
One of the best things any of us can do when we have a narcissist in our lives is to go no contact or low contact with them. Family, romantic partner, friend, co-worker – whoever it may be, we need to protect ourselves. Waiting around for them to change just causes more damage and wastes our time; time that we could be spending doing something we enjoy either on our own or with emotionally healthy people instead. Narcissists exist in an infinite, inauthentic, dysfunctional loop and, in general, have zero interest in putting an end to it. If we refuse to get caught up in that loop with them, we’re doing ourselves a huge favor.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter