If you’re interested, here’s a link to a book on the subject of narcissistic personality disorder: https://amzn.to/3PbfsJq
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn
*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours 
*
In my current university program studies, a certain number of electives are required in order to fulfill the requirements of a degree. Last year, I stumbled across an elective course on the subject of the social determinants of health (SDoH). It sounded interesting so I decided to take it. I have since taken two more courses on related subjects on health inequities and health promotions/interventions. To say that I’m intrigued would be an understatement.
So, if you haven’t already heard of them, the SDoH are: “the non-medical factors that influence health outcomes. They are the conditions in which people are born, grow, work, live, and age, and the wider set of forces and systems shaping the conditions of daily life” (CDC, 2022). Further, SDoH are “linked to a lack of opportunity and resources to protect, improve, and maintain health. Taken together, these factors create health inequities— types of health disparities that stem from unfair and unjust systems, policies, and practices, and limit access to the opportunities and resources needed to live the healthiest life possible” (CDC, 2022).
Borrowed from CMHA – Ontario
To be more specific, SDoH come in many forms:
Looking at the example of early life, unresolved childhood trauma can result in mental health and/or addictions issues, to name just two.
I think it’s easy to see how growing up (early life) with, for example, a narcissistic parent could be considered a social determinant of health, encompassing the holistic (whole person) levels of mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, and social health. These experiences have the strong potential to send us down paths that lead to serious impacts which negatively affect our overall health and wellbeing. There are obviously other SDoH’s listed above that could be linked with a dysfunctional upbringing.
With this knowledge in hand, a strong response as, say, an adult child of a narcissist(s) acquiring awareness of their disordered childhood and onward, would be: educating oneself on narcissism and its far-reaching, negative effects in order to understand the ‘why’ and ‘how’ on a personal level; engaging in regular self-care; accessing professional resources (mental health, coaching, wellness, etc.) to assist in their healing journey; and so on. Focusing on the hurt caused by a toxic person or people doesn’t typically aid in healthy, positive progress. But what does help is acknowledging the pain, understanding the mechanisms behind the dysfunctional behaviour and its impacts on us as targets, and then focusing on healing ourselves so that we can find peace and fulfillment in our lives and relationships of our choosing (as opposed to ones we were born into, should we decide we no longer wish to maintain them).
We owe it to ourselves to be resilient and move forward despite what we’ve endured. Is it an easy task? Definitely not. But is it worth it? Absolutely, 100 percent. The possibilities for our lives are virtually limitless when we acquire the coping tools to see beyond the effects of the cloud of abuse and dysfunction, and maybe even remove ourselves from its unpleasant influence altogether. That’s an entirely different topic, though – see previous posts on low contact and no contact.
More on this in future posts.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
For me personally, when I was married to a narcissist, I became sleep-deprived. First of all, he snored and rolled non-stop from the moment he fell asleep (which usually took less than 30 seconds) until he woke up. That was just how he was. Not much can be done about the way a person sleeps, except maybe anti-snore devices (which he, of course, refused to try). However, if he happened to wake up in the night, he would typically wake me up as well, quite intentionally, by touching me or speaking to me, and sometimes more than once. Then he’d fall right back to sleep again. Although I asked him not to do this, it continued (surprising, right?! ~sarcasm~) Here’s the picture – it would take me sometimes hours to fall asleep with all of the snoring and movement. My mind was also constantly in worry mode because of the ever-growing issues with my narcissistic and abusive husband, so it was difficult to shut it down and relax. If I was woken up, it would take the same length of time for me to get back to sleep again. Sometimes I would go and sleep on our very uncomfortable couch, but we had a cat who roamed all night and spent much of his time running across me, jumping here and there, and meowing. After all, I was in his territory at that point so I couldn’t expect much more (cats – what can you do?) Quite distracting, to say the least! So, sleep became very elusive. And the deprivation and its effects set in fairly soon. For me, it became life as usual but, looking back, it was truly debilitating and forced me into auto-pilot just to get through.
So, what was the collateral damage of sleep problems? Looking back to that time, this is what I recall experiencing:
Emotionally, my issues grew increasingly worse. Between lack of sleep and constantly being worried about everything (finances, etc.) and on edge and on guard from the abuse, I was a wreck. I began struggling with anxiety and depression, and my emotions would ping-pong all over the place. Happiness was a foreign concept. I was in fight, flight or fright mode 24/7. Muscle armoring was constant. Peace was not a word in my vocabulary.
Physically, my body was always fatigued and sore, I had almost constant headaches and migraines, my appetite went from not wanting to eat anything one day to eating much more than was healthy the next. That, in turn, influenced my weight in a yo-yo pattern. I was often shaky and clumsy from fatigue and blood sugar issues. There were so many more symptoms but I think you likely get the picture. Looking in the mirror, I could almost see myself ageing much faster than normal. I looked weary, unhealthy and hopeless. And I was so tired that I didn’t even have the energy to care. Self-care? What was that? I was spinning out of control and the functioning of my mind and body were diminishing almost daily.
Cognitively, my thinking was highly negatively impacted and brain fog set in. My thoughts were slow, confused, erratic, often illogical and irrational. Most days I didn’t know whether I was coming or going. I would sometimes get to work and wonder how I had even dressed myself, after having checked to ensure that I was actually clothed.
It goes without saying that I was being heavily affected by both the narcissistic abuse and resulting issues, including sleep deprivation.
Lack of sleep causes all of the issues mentioned above and more. It also messes with your hormones and immune system, to name just two, which can create a further tumbling domino effect, some of which can include illness. Your brain and body need sufficient and restorative sleep in order to help you to function optimally. When you are constantly running on empty, it makes it challenging for your body’s systems just to get you through the day.
When my foggy mind finally saw just how bad things had become, I left my husband. It literally took me months to catch up on my sleep after that experience. Honestly, some nights at the beginning of my efforts to get back on track, I would still lay awake – mind racing, wide awake but exhausted – until 5:00 or 6:00 a.m. before I finally fell asleep, and then I would need to be up in a couple of hours. It was a vicious cycle that I needed to put an end to. It literally felt like I was fighting to bring myself back. I needed to make a strong effort to schedule my sleeping times and even had daily naps for a while. The most challenging part was learning to relax physically and to slow down my mind in order to even have a chance at sleep. One of the steps I took right away was to avoid screens within 30 minutes of trying for sleep. I also learned some simple breathing techniques, progressive body relaxation and mindfulness to bring my thoughts to the present and stop worrying about the past and the future. After discussing it with my doctor, another resource I began using is a magnesium supplement about an hour before bedtime. I had been struggling with restless leg syndrome and it definitely helped me with that issue (I can’t even remember the last time it happened). But, for me, I also find that the magnesium makes it easy for me to drift off to sleep in just a few minutes, and I typically remain asleep for the entire night.
Getting into a healthy sleep pattern made a HUGE difference in my life. Self-regulation of emotions and behavior was no longer a problem because I became rested, alert and so much less automatically reactive. On a physical level, I began feeling better than I had in years. My lifestyle also grew to include daily exercise and a change in eating habits, so they have helped in that category as well. And when it comes to my mind and thinking processes, everything turned around in that department. My thoughts went back to a state of being faster, clearer and more organized. I started feeling like myself again. It was and continues to be an amazing feeling.
There are plenty of resources out there regarding the science behind sleep if you’re interested. There are necessary stages that we cycle through more than once during the night, and we can’t reach those stages if we’re lying awake for hours or constantly starting from step one because our sleep is being disrupted. The bottom line is that without proper sleep, our wellbeing on every level is impacted negatively. The longer the deprivation continues, the worse everything becomes. If you are in an abusive relationship or other chronically challenging situation, keep all of this in mind and do your best to avoid insufficient and/or continually disrupted sleep. Use any resource that works for you to keep things as on track as is possible.
In the event that you have left the abuse or other ongoing challenging environment and are feeling burnt out and low, know that it does get better. Working on stress management, diet (staying hydrated with water is beneficial holistically, too), exercise (walking, yoga, swimming, biking, etc. – and exercising outside increases the benefits for your mind and emotions) and regular sleep patterns brought me such amazing overall improvements and made an enormous improvement in my life. Your efforts don’t need to include massive changes if you aren’t up to it. Stick to the basics of regular exercise (whatever that looks like for you), healthy eating (and if you feel that your nutrient intake may be out of whack despite a balanced diet, talk to your GP or a nutritionist about vitamins and/or supplements), adequate and quality sleep, engaging in self-care, and learning better coping skills for daily life, and you will find yourself on an upward trajectory in short order. If you need support on your journey, feel free to touch base.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
Many of us are natural caregivers. We enjoy looking after others (people, animals, etc.), and that’s a great and admirable trait. But one thing that can be forgotten is to give ourselves the same care and love that we so willingly give to the world around us.
When we are low on our list of priorities (or absent from the list altogether), over time, it can leave us feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or possibly unbalanced and unwell on a mental and/or physical level. Eventually, we can end up unable to look after anyone else, let alone ourselves.
Prioritizing time for self-care is essential, whether or not we are caregivers. We need to nurture ourselves holistically in every area – physical, emotional, social, spiritual and mental. Whether it’s meditation, mindfulness, therapy, exercise, healthy eating, getting enough sleep, relaxing in a warm bath, massage therapy, spending time in nature, listening to music, and so on, every act of self-care makes a difference in our lives. It helps us to recharge, energize, clear our minds, reconnect with people, nourish and keep our bodies well, to name just a few, and feeling good further encourages the healthy cycle of self-care.
When we take care of ourselves (it’s not selfish, it’s necessary), we are helping to ensure that our holistic health and wellness is prioritized, strengthened and maintained. That way, we can enjoy our lives and continue to care for others who are important to us and help them to enjoy their lives as well.
In situations where we are in a toxic environment, such as with a narcissist or other negative individual, prioritizing ourselves can be challenging, but it is all the more important to engage in self-care so that we can withstand the toxicity without allowing it to harm us.
Prioritizing ourselves is a matter of health and wellness. No matter how small the act of self-care, it can make a positive difference. Take care of yourselves every day, my friends!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
For anyone, whether they are recovering from narcissistic abuse, trying to depressurize from a high-stress occupation, contemplating and/or implementing major life changes, living with mental or physical wellness issues and so on, learning to seek out everyday peace or simply peaceful moments can make an enormous difference in our lives.
Finding peace isn’t as simple as closing our eyes and spinning around three times while uttering the word ‘zen’ and breathing deeply. It also doesn’t mean that all our worries and issues will magically disappear; however, finding peace can help us to stay balanced and grounded no matter what life is throwing at us. Peace is a state of mind and also a practice that, at first, requires dedicated time and a conscious effort. We can build up from short moments to being able to maintain it throughout many of our days if we choose. It can eventually become a natural event that we turn to without much thought or planning. Peace is a state that we need to become familiar with so that it becomes easily recognizable and attainable.
Peace initially arises from concerted efforts to quiet our minds and bodies from the stresses and hustle and bustle of everyday life. This practice of quieting can include anything that works for a person, from meditation to yoga to walking to swimming and anything in between. If a particular activity brings about relaxation and the letting go of stress and tension, then that’s a practice that we know works for us. We’re each unique individuals and, as such, we have unique needs. Shutting off from all electronic devices and possibly other people while you do this is incredibly helpful as well. We are also the decision-makers as to how often we engage in the practice of finding peace. Making it a routine can definitely be quite helpful in ensuring that it becomes a regular activity for us.
One thing to bear in mind is that our minds and bodies are interconnected. When we make an effort to settle our minds, it is generally easier for our bodies to follow suit, and vice versa. Peace is born out of achieving a state of calm and self-care whenever we are able to do so. As we become more adept at reaching this state, it becomes more habitual and ‘normal’ for us to do so more and more regularly. From peace can come holistic wellness and a host of other benefits on all levels.
So think about giving it a try – find your peace and see where it takes you. 🙂
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
One of the regular themes in my posts is to listen to your gut/intuition. Another one that is of importance for everybody, but particularly if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, is to listen to your body. Both of these things aim to keep us safe and healthy.
Stress doesn’t just take a toll within our minds in the form of depression, anxiety and other mental wellness symptoms; it also manifests itself in our bodies in negative ways. High blood pressure, stomach problems, headaches/migraines, muscle armoring, and the list goes on. Our minds, emotions and bodies are intricately connected; when one part is suffering, it seeps into the other parts.
Our bodies are always communicating to us about physical issues. The key is to listen and try to make positive changes that will lend themselves to healing and stability. For instance, when I recognized that my mind, soul and body were suffering from a relationship with one of the narcissists in my life (who I didn’t realize was a narcissist at the time) several years ago, I made the difficult decision to break ties with them. (And I’ve done it more than once since then.) In all honesty, I had begun to feel as though I was ‘losing my mind’, that my emotions were on a constant roller coaster ride, and that my body was literally breaking down more every day. I was in rough shape and at a point where I was terrified about what might happen to me if I didn’t take action. Stress from narcissistic abuse was constantly eating away at me from the inside. I was quickly slipping into a space that was anything but beneficial for me. The fear of becoming seriously ill eventually outweighed everything else.
Once I disconnected and found increasing amounts of peace, everything began turning around. I felt better on all levels. This all came about with a lot of therapy, introspection, mindfulness and hard work but it was much easier to do when clarity began to return to my mind because I wasn’t always operating in survival mode. Then self-care began to grow as a priority and the physical symptoms of stress from abuse began to wane. There’s no doubt in my mind that I saved my own life from losing years by listening to my intuition and body and then making choices that led the way to healing myself holistically.
It’s crucial to ‘hear’ the messages from your body, both good and bad. Our bodies are on a constant mission to maintain homeostasis (balance) but when they become overwhelmed, they let us know, through subtle signs to start – depending on the individual, for example, an ache here, a rash there, elevated blood pressure daily headaches, etc. – followed by increasingly obvious and gradually more severe symptoms and unavoidable signals that change is needed in order to remedy the situation.
The overall message is that making regular self-care a priority is incredibly important for all of us human beings, and always being open to listening to your body’s messages will help to ensure your continued wellbeing. Just like following your intuition is typically a good habit, hearing what your body is telling you is equally as vital to your overall health.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Exercise is an important part of self-care. It can be anything from stretching routines to walks to running to biking to hiking to working out with weights to swimming to skiing to skateboarding and the list goes on. Many forms of exercise don’t cost a dime to engage in.
When you add in exercise that takes place outside, it brings the element of nature to the situation. Depending upon where you are, nature often involves beautiful sights, fresh air, quiet and so on. It can help you to feel more calm and peaceful while your body experiences the many benefits of physical activity.
Sometimes the last thing we feel like doing or believe we have time for is exercise. I have often felt that way. But the truth is that after exercising, I have never once regretted doing so. In fact, I usually feel rejuvenated and energized.
Exercise can be whatever you want it to be and scheduled so that it easily fits into your life. It has a multitude of mental and physical benefits, and there are many options that come with no cost.
If you haven’t already, consider adding exercise into your life at whatever level you feel comfortable. Once you push through finding excuses not to do it, it gets easier and more enjoyable every time you engage in physical activity.
Here is a book and corresponding link to it that could be helpful if you’re interested in delving deeper into this area of self-care:
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Narcissists rarely change; not in any authentic way. If they appear to have done so, it’s likely to not be genuine or long-term and is just being used as a tactic to manipulate someone or obtain something. Of the many narcissistically-inclined individuals I’ve known, the stories I’ve heard over the years, the articles I’ve read, the training/education I’ve had on this personality type – they simply don’t tend to change. I won’t say ‘never’ because, well, there could be that rare person who beats the odds. Stranger things have happened. In my experience, though, I’ve yet to see a narcissist change, particularly for the better. In times where I’ve cut a toxic, narcissistic individual out of my life and then heard something about them years later, they’re still doing exactly the same things to their targets. Same cycle over and over and over again, just with different pawns playing in their toxic game.
I’ve had conversations with a narcissist who, on multiple occasions, promised not to do/say something that was emotionally hurting a loved one and then, literally five minutes later, did it again, right in front of me. The need for extreme ego protection and stroking keeps narcissists locked into their behaviour. And because they lack empathy, not even the continued pain they typically create for others will cause them to alter their ways. They convince themselves that the hurt they create is justified and, many times, build up scenarios in which they’re not only hurting people but also making it seem as though those very people have actually been hurting them.
So, if you’re in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist, it’s not advisable to get your hopes up that they will ever change for the better in any lasting way. It doesn’t usually happen with this type of disordered individual. You can try to explain decent and honest behaviour to them until you’re blue in the face; you can drag them to counselling with you; you can attempt to convey your perspective ten times over in the hopes that maybe they’ll finally listen to you but the fact remains that a narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist. The chances of them ‘getting it’, accepting it and wanting to do something about it are slim to nil.
One of the best things any of us can do when we have a narcissist in our lives is to go no contact or low contact with them. Family, romantic partner, friend, co-worker – whoever it may be, we need to protect ourselves. Waiting around for them to change just causes more damage and wastes our time; time that we could be spending doing something we enjoy either on our own or with emotionally healthy people instead. Narcissists exist in an infinite, inauthentic, dysfunctional loop and, in general, have zero interest in putting an end to it. If we refuse to get caught up in that loop with them, we’re doing ourselves a huge favor.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Here’s the lowdown on many people – they will believe whatever suits them about a particular situation/person. Whether their conclusion is accurate or not, their existing belief system, need to ‘follow the crowd’, low self-esteem or a whole host of other factors, will shape their perception and judgment of whatever information is in front of them.
If you happen to have been the subject of a conversation that you are made privy to afterwards and you appear to have come out looking like the ‘bad guy’, you could spend all day, every day attempting to convince certain individuals of your innocence, etc. But the fact remains that no matter how much energy you put into justifying and defending yourself, they will still believe whatever they want to believe about you. We can only control our own thoughts and actions. There is absolutely nothing any of us can do when it comes to what someone else chooses to believe about us, true or otherwise.
When narcissists are involved, the situation can be even more challenging. If a narcissistic individual has targeted you and started a smear campaign against you to other people, this can be a difficult enough situation to cope with. Add in the high possibility that the narcissist will be portraying themselves as a victim as well, and you will typically be looking at a heaping pot bubbling over with gossip, untruths and judgment.
I’ll admit it – this 110% used to bother me. It was a driving force in my life for years upon years. I felt as though I needed to justify my words/actions and defend my character and reputation to all who may have been manipulated by the person in question (most often a narcissistically-inclined individual) into believing that I was (fill in the blank). Those situations caused me endless worry, sleepless nights and a ton of stress and anxiety. I naively believed that if I was given an opportunity to plead my case, people would miraculously recognize that they had been given false and misleading information and they would instantly “see the truth” and change their erroneous beliefs about me. It definitely doesn’t work that way with most people. We all have our own perceptions, belief systems and moral code that we live by and it’s rare for any two people to share the exact same ones.
For me, the big a-ha moment came when a situation took place several years ago involving a person I absolutely adored, someone I thought should have known me better than to believe the tall tales of a narcissist. And yet, they did just that. They believed the narcissist and then destroyed our relationship over it. It was as though a light bulb went on in my mind. I realized then and there that no matter what I did or said or shouted from the rooftops, people will believe what they choose to believe, regardless of whether it is accurate or not. When a narcissist is at play as well, gleefully adding to the character assassination with their distorted stories of rewritten history and claims of being victimized, everything becomes just that much more intense.
I have to say, even though the situation that brought me to this awareness caused extreme emotional distress at the time, it also removed a huge weight. This person who I thought knew my character well enough to see through untruths about me had chosen instead to accept them. I had known this person my entire life and thought I could always trust them to have my back. But, regardless of their reasons for choosing to believe narcissistic tales, it had become instantly clear to me that there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to change what this person believed about me. And if this person who was a close part of my life could make that choice after years of knowing me and completely ignore the fact that I wasn’t capable of the lies being told about me, then those who didn’t know me well or at all undoubtedly could and would do the same, and there wasn’t a thing that would change that. Suddenly, what others thought of me, whether they believed outright lies about me, whether they heard my perspective or judged me in ways that didn’t fit with my character – it no longer mattered to me or controlled me in any way. It was an emotional and empowering moment in my life. That self-imposed burden of caring what other people thought of me or of anything or anyone else, for that matter, or naively thinking that the truth would always prevail, was instantly removed and tossed away, never to return.
The truth is that, without a doubt, most people (those who don’t have your back, I mean) will believe what they want to believe about you, even if it’s some nonsense imparted to them by a narcissist with a vendetta against you. Whether those beliefs are good or bad, accurate or inaccurate, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change someone else’s beliefs. Setting ourselves free from the shackles of outside opinions is an incredible gift. Recognizing that regardless of what we say or do, others will believe what they choose to believe, can make an enormous difference in the quality of our lives. We have the ability to set ourselves free from these confines and to go forward each day knowing that we do not need to be slaves to what anyone else thinks, feels or believes about us.
You know your character and exactly who you are. Go out into the world with your head held high. Life goes on for you regardless of what other people are thinking of you or anything else. And if you find yourself struggling with it some days, just remember this saying – “What other people think of you is none of your business”.
Here’s an idea and corresponding link for a journal to keep track of your thoughts and experiences while on your journey:
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
*Disclaimer – I may earn a small commission if you click on the above link and purchase the product.*
The definition of intuition is “the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning”.
Intuition is a tool that is always in our toolbox. The trick is to allow it to do its job by consistently listening to it and trusting in the process.
When we have narcissists in our lives, they will often convince us to listen to them rather than following our own instincts and wisdom when it comes to our life decisions. Without a doubt, this will ultimately create issues for us.
By following our intuition, in concert with using our knowledge and common sense, we tend to derive positive and beneficial outcomes. This all boils down to trusting ourselves to make good decisions. Have faith in yourself that you have the ability to manage your life. It’s never a good idea to hand over that power to anyone, especially a narcissist.
Let your intuition freely flow, listen to and trust in it, and then trust yourself to do what is best with the information available to you. Believe and trust in yourself to know what is best for you.
If you would like to delve further into the world of intuition, here is a book suggestion and link:
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
*Disclaimer: I may receive a small commission if you click on the above link and purchase the product. *
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