When asked what I believe is the most important step to take towards peace, fulfillment and happiness in life, particularly during and post-narcissistic abuse and the ensuing healing journey, the answer is definitely to Find Yourself and then continue the process of building on thatfoundation to hone, refine and develop exactly who you feel you are and want to be.
What exactly do I mean by Find Yourself? Finding yourself means truly searching for you. It means digging through all of the biases we have been subjected to throughout our lives and really focusing on what we think, feel and place importance on. It means asking ourselves who and what in this world makes us feel loved, comforted, happy and peaceful and then sorting those out from the people and things who do the opposite. We may need to consider low contact or no contact with family, friends and others who present us with disrespect, condescension, struggle and other negativity that causes us to feel harassed, belittled, uncomfortable, unloved, sad, confused, anxious and so on.
What else might finding yourself include? Self-care and self-love are incredibly important components in this process. From the smallest of items to more obvious ones, every act of self-care and self-love is of benefit. You can read more about some self-care ideas in my previous posts.
Why is finding yourself important? Once you find yourself, you will know what is important to you, how you feel about the people and the world around you, you will know what you think and you will care enough about yourself to ensure that you take steps to protect yourself from toxic people and situations by using strategies such as boundaries and low or no contact.
So you might wonder if finding yourself is easy. The simplest answer is no, usually not. It’s a journey. But, in my opinion, it’s an essential and necessary journey that will help to bring you to a more positive, confident, self-assured place where you can feel strong enough to create and uphold boundaries and to be true to yourself every day, with anyone, in any situation.
Finding yourself is a rewarding journey, but it is especially so for those who have experienced trauma and abuse of any kind. It can help you greatly as you navigate the healing process. Working with a counsellor or life coach can also be of assistance as you move forward in your journey. Find yourself.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
The bottom line when it comes to negative, unpleasant people is that you have no obligation to have them in your life. From romantic partners to family members to friends to coworkers and everyone in between, no one has an obligation to accept and endure toxic behaviour.
I’ve said this in past posts but it deserves repeating – focus on how you ‘feel’ when in the presence of a negative (potentially narcissistic) individual. How do you feel on every level (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual)? If being in the same room with someone makes you feel anxious, depressed, fearful, worried, bad about yourself (one or all of the above), it might be beneficial for you to assess your relationship with them.
Try spending time with other people whose very presence makes you feel peaceful, positive, cared for, etc. because they foster those environments and feelings, and you will notice the massive differences as compared to interacting with a toxic person. Life can be happier, more peaceful and rewarding when we interact with positive people.
What can we do if we can’t find new functional friends or spend time with these sorts of positive people right now, particularly because of COVID? It’s always a good thing to learn to be content and happy by yourself. Hobbies, activities you enjoy, relaxing … whatever it may be, you can be your own happy place. In the end, we are the only ones who can make ourselves truly happy. That isn’t something anyone else can do for us.
So, call that fun relative or friend, hang out in an online forum with others who have common interests, or spend some quality time on your own. But try to avoid believing that you have any responsibility or obligation to allow negative (especially narcissistic), unpleasant, hurtful people to be a part of your existence.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Something I think many of us have noticed in life is that it can be human nature to feel concerned about what other people think, from the smallest to the most important of things. Often, we put what other people think, particularly what they think of us, ahead of our own thoughts and feelings.
Recently, I posted about the fact that no matter what we do, we have zero control over the opinions that others hold of us. It’s a waste of time and energy to struggle against this, especially when it comes to close-minded individuals who generally enjoy thinking the worst of others because it often makes them feel better about themselves.
Another negative side of worrying about people’s opinions of us is that we risk missing out on new and possibly special or limited time experiences, either on our own or with our friends and loved ones. We may avoid doing or saying something out of fear of ridicule, disapproval or a desire to ensure that a given perception of us is conveyed.
In my view, we need to live our lives for ourselves. We are given our time on this earth to enjoy the gift of being alive, to grow as individuals, to experience joy, peace and happiness, to form bonds with others (human, animal), to learn to love and accept ourselves, and so on.
So, the next time you want to do something – new or old (and, obviously, legal!) – but your mind fills with questions about what people might think or say, consider pushing through those negative, worried thoughts and replacing them with positivity and enthusiasm. At the end of the day, not doing what matters to you out of fear of what goes on in the minds of others, will quite possibly leave you with regret and disappointment.
Enjoy your life. Do what makes you happy. Follow through on those experiences that feel important and carry them out as though no one is ever watching. Don’t worry about what other people think or say about you. Be yourself. If you’re really struggling, try thinking like a cat; cats don’t appear to care what anyone thinks of them! Trust me – you will reap the rewards from letting go of the negative and focusing on thriving and being happy.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
Exercise is an important part of self-care. It can be anything from stretching routines to walks to running to biking to hiking to working out with weights to swimming to skiing to skateboarding and the list goes on. Many forms of exercise don’t cost a dime to engage in.
When you add in exercise that takes place outside, it brings the element of nature to the situation. Depending upon where you are, nature often involves beautiful sights, fresh air, quiet and so on. It can help you to feel more calm and peaceful while your body experiences the many benefits of physical activity.
Sometimes the last thing we feel like doing or believe we have time for is exercise. I have often felt that way. But the truth is that after exercising, I have never once regretted doing so. In fact, I usually feel rejuvenated and energized.
Exercise can be whatever you want it to be and scheduled so that it easily fits into your life. It has a multitude of mental and physical benefits, and there are many options that come with no cost.
If you haven’t already, consider adding exercise into your life at whatever level you feel comfortable. Once you push through finding excuses not to do it, it gets easier and more enjoyable every time you engage in physical activity.
Here is a book and corresponding link to it that could be helpful if you’re interested in delving deeper into this area of self-care:
Here’s the lowdown on many people – they will believe whatever suits them about a particular situation/person. Whether their conclusion is accurate or not, their existing belief system, need to ‘follow the crowd’, low self-esteem or a whole host of other factors, will shape their perception and judgment of whatever information is in front of them.
If you happen to have been the subject of a conversation that you are made privy to afterwards and you appear to have come out looking like the ‘bad guy’, you could spend all day, every day attempting to convince certain individuals of your innocence, etc. But the fact remains that no matter how much energy you put into justifying and defending yourself, they will still believe whatever they want to believe about you. We can only control our own thoughts and actions. There is absolutely nothing any of us can do when it comes to what someone else chooses to believe about us, true or otherwise.
When narcissists are involved, the situation can be even more challenging. If a narcissistic individual has targeted you and started a smear campaign against you to other people, this can be a difficult enough situation to cope with. Add in the high possibility that the narcissist will be portraying themselves as a victim as well, and you will typically be looking at a heaping pot bubbling over with gossip, untruths and judgment.
I’ll admit it – this 110% used to bother me. It was a driving force in my life for years upon years. I felt as though I needed to justify my words/actions and defend my character and reputation to all who may have been manipulated by the person in question (most often a narcissistically-inclined individual) into believing that I was (fill in the blank). Those situations caused me endless worry, sleepless nights and a ton of stress and anxiety. I naively believed that if I was given an opportunity to plead my case, people would miraculously recognize that they had been given false and misleading information and they would instantly “see the truth” and change their erroneous beliefs about me. It definitely doesn’t work that way with most people. We all have our own perceptions, belief systems and moral code that we live by and it’s rare for any two people to share the exact same ones.
For me, the big a-ha moment came when a situation took place several years ago involving a person I absolutely adored, someone I thought should have known me better than to believe the tall tales of a narcissist. And yet, they did just that. They believed the narcissist and then destroyed our relationship over it. It was as though a light bulb went on in my mind. I realized then and there that no matter what I did or said or shouted from the rooftops, people will believe what they choose to believe, regardless of whether it is accurate or not. When a narcissist is at play as well, gleefully adding to the character assassination with their distorted stories of rewritten history and claims of being victimized, everything becomes just that much more intense.
I have to say, even though the situation that brought me to this awareness caused extreme emotional distress at the time, it also removed a huge weight. This person who I thought knew my character well enough to see through untruths about me had chosen instead to accept them. I had known this person my entire life and thought I could always trust them to have my back. But, regardless of their reasons for choosing to believe narcissistic tales, it had become instantly clear to me that there was absolutely nothing I could say or do to change what this person believed about me. And if this person who was a close part of my life could make that choice after years of knowing me and completely ignore the fact that I wasn’t capable of the lies being told about me, then those who didn’t know me well or at all undoubtedly could and would do the same, and there wasn’t a thing that would change that. Suddenly, what others thought of me, whether they believed outright lies about me, whether they heard my perspective or judged me in ways that didn’t fit with my character – it no longer mattered to me or controlled me in any way. It was an emotional and empowering moment in my life. That self-imposed burden of caring what other people thought of me or of anything or anyone else, for that matter, or naively thinking that the truth would always prevail, was instantly removed and tossed away, never to return.
The truth is that, without a doubt, most people (those who don’t have your back, I mean) will believe what they want to believe about you, even if it’s some nonsense imparted to them by a narcissist with a vendetta against you. Whether those beliefs are good or bad, accurate or inaccurate, there is absolutely nothing we can do to change someone else’s beliefs. Setting ourselves free from the shackles of outside opinions is an incredible gift. Recognizing that regardless of what we say or do, others will believe what they choose to believe, can make an enormous difference in the quality of our lives. We have the ability to set ourselves free from these confines and to go forward each day knowing that we do not need to be slaves to what anyone else thinks, feels or believes about us.
You know your character and exactly who you are. Go out into the world with your head held high. Life goes on for you regardless of what other people are thinking of you or anything else. And if you find yourself struggling with it some days, just remember this saying – “What other people think of you is none of your business”.
Here’s an idea and corresponding link for a journal to keep track of your thoughts and experiences while on your journey:
To anyone who is contemplating leaving a narcissist or in the process of doing so, just hang in there. You’ve got this … you can do it. Whether this is a family member, friend, romantic partner, etc., you can and will get to a better place.
There’s no doubt that it’s incredibly challenging to arrive at the decision to leave behind a narcissist, let alone actually leaving, but there is so much more for you on the other side of this situation.
Believe in yourself and your future. Everyone deserves respect, particularly from loved ones. If you aren’t getting that, then you need to consider moving on. Yes, it can be tough to imagine your life without this person, and, no, it isn’t easy to make huge life changes. But they are very much worth it. And when you look back, you will wonder why you didn’t make the changes sooner.
Narcissists rarely change. Trying to make them see that they should behave decently is typically a waste of energy (and also something you really shouldn’t need to explain to anyone). And while you’re working on convincing them, they are continuing to manipulate, undermine, sabotage and damage you further while wasting more of your time in the process. In the end, moving on inevitably brings on new opportunities, personal growth, and so much more.
During the decision-making and/or leaving process (wherever you may be right now), keep self-care at the forefront. You need to be strong on every level in order to move forward. If you make self-care a priority, you will benefit from it more than you can likely imagine right now. And find support in people you trust. That includes not only family and/or friends but also social workers, psychologists, coaches or any other resource that you can locate to help you get through this.
Just know that there are multitudes of narcissistic abuse survivors out there rooting for you and every other person trying to move beyond a narcissist in their life. Picture yourself in a better time and place and then put one foot in front of the other to start the journey. Your feet may feel like lead and your mind may be spinning, leaving you confused and muddled. That’s normal under these circumstances. But know that you can do it and you will thank yourself for it some day when peace, happiness and clarity become daily happenings.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
