Where I live, Family Day is celebrated. It is essentially a day to take a rest from work and spend time with family. That day is today, February 21st.
For anyone else living where this occasion is observed, Happy Family Day to you!!
I’d like to take this opportunity, though, to mention that who we include in our lives as ‘family’ is truly up to us. Our blood relatives may indeed be part of that group, but they can just as easily not be. Because ‘family’ should be people who love, respect, value, and care about us. Sadly, that doesn’t always come in the form of people to whom we’re related. Family can be partners, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and everyone in between. We have the power to make the call on who is a member of what we consider to be our family unit.
Family
So if you’re celebrating Family Day today, enjoy some much-needed downtime and enjoy the moments with whoever you call family.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
Narcissistic parents; they aren’t what anyone would choose if we had a choice in the matter. They color so much of our lives in dark shades that aren’t easy to erase.
If you grew up in a household headed by a narcissist, whether you were a scapegoat or a golden child, my heart goes out to you. I get it because I lived it myself. Our childhoods were often filled with criticism, judgment, blaming, gaslighting, silent treatments, unattainable goals with constantly moving goalposts, lack of affection, dishonesty, physical abuse, and the list goes on. We could always count on our disordered parents (either two narcissists or a narcissist and an enabler/flying monkey) to create negative environments filled with all manner of difficult situations and emotions for us to try to cope with. One of the only things that most of us could always count on in a dysfunctional family system was that a new issue was around every corner.
Our life with a narcissistic parent shapes us in ways we did not ask for or want. They lead us down dark alleys to places where we eventually lack trust in others and ourselves, suffer low self-esteem and a total lack of confidence, isolate ourselves from the world, feel as though we’re unloved, always being judged and never measuring up, blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong within a 10-mile radius of us, and a never-ending list of behaviours and thoughts that challenge us to our very core.
As difficult as all of this is, we can find our path out from under the dark clouds. It takes hard work, introspection, courage and a strong support system but it’s more than possible and well worth it. There is a life of peace, self-love, self-care and happiness for us once we escape the negativity. How we do it is a matter of personal choice. There’s no contact, low contact, strong boundaries, and other techniques to assist us along the way. Therapy is always a good route to take (there are subsidized or free services available in many places), and a support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching can complement this work. It’s never simple, and often we need to distance ourselves from our family of origin in whatever way works for us, but if we take those first few steps and gather some momentum, nothing is impossible.
Path from dark clouds to sun
So, sons and daughters raised in narcissistic families, if you haven’t already started down the path to emotional freedom, peace and empowerment, consider prioritizing yourself and taking those steps. Baby steps are fine. Whatever you can muster. Maybe start with some small self-care measures and looking for a therapist (preferably one who is well-informed regarding narcissism and C-PTSD) to reach out to. Take it from there. The little steps will eventually become bigger ones as you move through this journey. You will find your way. And it will be well worth every step you take to get there.
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
As an adult child of a narcissist, life can be challenging in many ways. The shock of the realization that one’s parent(s) is/are narcissistic can be shocking, disappointing, depressing, anxiety-provoking, disillusioning, etc. Having a trustworthy support system is crucial, be it a family member, friend, therapist, life coach, online support group or another resource. This new awareness opens up not only intense emotions with regard to the narcissist parent (and possibly the other parent or family members , who may be a ‘flying monkey’, and maybe a sibling who is a ‘golden child’) but also about ourselves (and quite possibly our previously unknown role in the family as the ‘scapegoat’).
First of all, we are learning that this person, our parent, who we probably believed to be the end all and be all has turned out to be disordered. We may have thought they were any number of amazing things (mostly because they led us to believe this and brought down consequences if we questioned it) and now it may appear that none or very little of it was accurate. Our lives have been shaped by this person, often in negative ways. This realization will likely bring our entire upbringing and belief systems into massive question. Without a doubt, our relationship with this person will feel broken and confusing. Pulling away seems like a good option, temporary or otherwise. It feels as though everything is a lie and we commonly begin questioning our family, childhood, experiences, beliefs, feelings. We need to work through all of this to get to a better place.
In addition to the above, it is common to then begin analyzing ourselves in this new light. Our lives, our belief systems, our relationships … everything may seem to have been upended in a heartbeat. Turn to supports now more than ever.
With your trusted resource(s) of choice, it is beneficial to talk about your feelings. Get them out in the open in a safe environment and work on processing them. Be patient with yourself. This step takes time. (Keep in mind that Complex PTSD and/or other mental health issues may also be realities that you need to either rule out or get help for) The fog will lift and clarity will take its place. We need to believe in ourselves, our abilities and our hope for the future.
If you are not well-versed on narcissism, it never hurts to educate yourself about the traits and behaviour so that you can see this person as they are and understand what is behind their actions and words. As I always say, these are weak people with fragile egos that they spend most of their time protecting, often at the expense of the people around them as they attempt to control everything and everyone in their lives.
I strongly recommend online support groups as a resource to lean on for support. Whether you post or comment or simply read the words of others, you will know that you are not alone and this can be of great comfort. People in these groups are at various stages of their recovery, but above all else, they know what you’re experiencing because they are going through or have been through similar experiences.
As ACON’s, we need to give ourselves credit for what we have survived and the steps we will continue to take to keep ourselves strong and whole with this new reality in mind. We have endured incredibly difficult situations within our family of origin (FOO) but we are still standing. If this isn’t a testament to our great strength, I don’t know what is. Try looking at this as the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new and wonderful chapter on your journey. The best is yet to come and we will find that peace and happiness that has been so elusive in the past. This is a time of awakening and awareness that can help us to thrive if we are willing to take that step for ourselves. We are worth it!!
As a child of a narcissist parent, it can be all the more devastating to witness the other parent behaving in an enabling fashion. It can create painful feelings of betrayal, loss, loneliness, fear, shame and disappointment that never completely dissipate. The enabler will more often than not take the side of the narcissist at all costs, even assuming the role of a flying monkey when required. For a child in this situation, it can feel as though there is no one on their side and nowhere safe to turn, unless they have the good fortune of other non-narcissist/non-enabling adults in their life (grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, etc.).
The main reasons that a parent may become an enabler to their narcissistic partner are a) they are completely oblivious with regard to narcissism and that they are involved with a narcissist (they often operate with a blind loyalty to their partner); b) whether or not they are aware of narcissism and that their partner is a narcissist, their life is less challenging when they go along with them.
To go into those reasons more deeply, many people have heard the terms ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissist’ but they don’t truly understand what it means. As a result, they will remain unaware of the dysfunctional web in which they exist. There’s also a very high likelihood that the enabling parent grew up in a narcissistic family and were then drawn to narcissists as adults because of the feeling of familiarity within that form of dysfunction and abuse.
On the second point, there is no doubt that going along with and even catering to a narcissistic partner, often against one’s own children, is the path of least resistance for an enabling parent. The partner recognizes that both they and their children need to revolve around the narcissist in an attempt to pacify them and hopefully bring some relief from the abusive environment. The thinking is that maybe if we all just do what the narcissist wants, life will be more tolerable, even temporarily. However, if the non-narcissistic parent does not go along with the narcissist in every way, even so far as scapegoating one of their own children, they will become the target of their partner’s wrath. In some ways, it’s an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em’ mentality that permeates this relationship and family dynamic.
An example of a family with a narcissistic mother at the helm
There’s no doubt that the enabling parent is in a challenging position and that they will regularly suffer abuse and punishment (silent treatment, berating, shaming, false accusations, sometimes physical violence and so on), subtle and/or direct, at the hands of their narcissistic partner if they choose not to comply as an enabler (aware or unaware, this is what it comes down to). Narcissism is literally an ongoing cycle of victimization which typically travels down through generations. However, this does not negate the fact that, as an adult, they have choices. They can make their opinions known regarding the scapegoating of their child and the likely golden child routine if there are other children and then do their best to enforce compliance in this regard. They can ‘stand up’ for their child/children. They also have the option of ending the relationship with the narcissist, although, unfortunately, this can at times leave children in the care of said narcissist without the buffer of the other parent when it comes to shared custody arrangements. There are ways to lessen the negative effects of this type of situation but I won’t go into them today.
The bottom line is that enablers are ruled by fear and will resort to disordered behaviour, even towards their own children, in an effort to avoid issues with their partner. Is this weak? Probably. However, these people, as mentioned above, have likely lived through a narcissistic childhood themselves, which has led them to the pattern of ending up with other narcissists in adulthood. They don’t know anything else but being abused and controlled. Their skewed, lifelong belief system encourages them to accept that this type of family system is ‘normal’. Unless their level of awareness is somehow raised when it comes to narcissistic family dynamics, they are more likely than not to continue with the status quo. This certainly doesn’t excuse them from accountability or responsibility; however, it does offer a probable explanation for their behaviour.
The sad reality of the family members of a narcissist is that everyone, regardless of whether they understand the dynamics or not, lives a life of walking on egg shells, enduring abusive behaviour, and doing their best to avoid being targeted by the narcissist. It’s a no-win situation and one that causes great strain and damage, especially for children. And from this dysfunction is often born more dysfunctional patterns as people carry on from a narcissistic childhood to be drawn to partners, friends, etc. who tend to have narcissistic tendencies.
How does this ever get better, you may be asking yourself. Obviously, narcissism has been around for as long as human beings have existed. This is a long-standing issue. Awareness is the key. Social education on narcissism is crucial in order to allow people to recognize and make informed decisions on toxic people in their lives and then take steps to mitigate the damage to themselves and possibly help others in the process. It’s highly unlikely for a narcissistic person to change, but everyone around them has the option to make changes, big or small, in an effort to improve the quality of their lives. There’s no hard and fast rule to follow because everyone’s situation is unique; however, no one is required to forever suffer at the hands of a narcissist. Awareness and education on narcissism, together with support systems and professional assistance for people who have been damaged, can bring about hope and positive change.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
