“Why Don’t You Just Get Over It?” – some of the most popular words of toxic people. When someone goes no- or low-contact with them, implements boundaries, and/or directly addresses their behaviour, people who are emotionally immature, narcissistic, toxic, and abusive – among many potential traits – will often turn to those seven words. And those seven words are an attempt to flip everything onto another person or people. Zero accountability is the name of the game. If they can make someone else seem too sensitive, too weak, lacking a sense of humour, like they’re being a troublemaker or a drama queen/king, to name a few, then all of that accountability might easily shift in their direction and away from the person at the root of the issues. It’s classic gaslighting, plain and simple. Additionally, it’s disrespectful, condescending, demeaning, unsupportive, and invalidating.
Let’s take a quick look at this occurrence using a fictional narcissist as an example. So, this narcissist’s adult son (the family scapegoat) went no contact with his narcissist father due to ongoing toxic behaviour. The son’s mental and physical health were suffering and he felt that he could not endure any further emotional abuse from his father. The choice to cut ties was difficult because he also lost his relationship with his enabling mother in the process, but he has a family who needs him to be whole and healthy. He also wanted better for himself and his own life, and he decided that it was time to take action. During this time of no contact with his father, the son has found peace for the first time in his life and has acknowledged that his father is highly unlikely to change his erroneous narrative about him or to treat him with respect or as an equal in their relationship. As a result, for the sake of his newfound peace and wellbeing, the son does not reconnect with his father. After a few years, the father sends a message through a shared relative asking “why don’t you just get over it” of the son.
Okay, so A) the father has always claimed to be without fault and completely unaware of why his son cut contact with him, which leads to the question, “what is this “it” that the son should be getting over?” And B) in healthy families, people communicate and support one another. So why – especially after the passing of years – has this “parent” not reached out to his son in a supportive and loving fashion rather than pointing fingers, assigning blame to someone for “not getting over it”, continuing to scapegoat his son, and then acting like the victim? When the situation is viewed from this rational perspective, the narcissistic, emotionally immature, ego-driven traits of this parent can be clearly seen.
Here’s the truth: regardless of who we are in the dynamics of a given situation – family scapegoat, workplace or friend group scapegoat, and so on – we do not have to “just get over it”. We can feel our feelings and trauma for as long as we need to. Maybe that’s a few months, a few years, or a lifetime, but it’s entirely up to us. And people who ask us why we “can’t just get over it” are simply exposing themselves as the unsupportive and unempathetic individuals they are. They’re also trying to downplay what caused the breakdown in the first place and shift the responsibility to the person who is reacting to negative behaviour. Healthy people won’t drive others away in the first place. Children of healthy parents don’t go no-contact with their parents, because there would be no need to do so. Healthy families support their members, communicate maturely, and don’t engage in toxic behaviours. If there’s a problem, they talk about it openly and with respect. They don’t sweep their actions under the rug while continuing to point fingers and play the victim.
So the next time someone asks “why can’t you just get over it?”, ask yourself what’s wrong with this behaviour. Healthy people help and support each other, communicate with respect, and continuously work to keep their relationships healthy and meaningful. They don’t gaslight and place blame when there should be a desire to improve a situation. Everyone deserves respect, regardless of whether we’ve been raised to believe that applies to us or not. And if someone has broken us down to the point that we have cut them out of our lives, hell no(!!!!!), we are not under any obligation to just get over it. And anyone who is asking us to do so is not someone who respects us or genuinely cares about having a healthy relationship. Healthy people put in the effort to behave functionally and with respect and kindness for those around them. Expect that for yourself and be someone who gives that freely to the people in your life.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
