From the field of what is known as positive psychology, the theory of ‘flow’ was created in the 1970s after studies were conducted on participants who were doing things for pleasure, without any form of monetary reward or fame. This research project was led by psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi.
So, what exactly is ‘flow’, you might wonder? A great definition of it is that it is a state of mind in which an individual becomes fully immersed in an activity. It’s one of those times when someone becomes completely absorbed in an experience. It is energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment of the process of the activity or experience. Time flies by and a person has the feeling of being in ‘the zone’. Which means that everyone will have different activities in which they experience ‘flow’. It could be within the arts or sciences, athletics, personal hobbies, time in nature, and so on. Virtually anything that someone derives pleasure from and loses themselves in. For some, it may feel like only moments have passed while it has, in fact, been hours.
And ‘flow’ can be particularly useful as a form of self-help for anyone who is dealing with toxic people and/or challenging situations. It isn’t always possible to access professional help when we feel we need it, so it’s beneficial to have resources in our personal toolbox. And the more we put these into practice, the easier it is to implement self-help methods at any time. Being in a ‘flow’ state can mentally take us away from difficult circumstances and provide a temporary reprieve. Even just a few moments of listening to a favourite musical artist or taking a walk in nature, for instance, can provide someone who loves those things with much-needed self-care and empowerment.
When we’re in difficult circumstances, particularly with narcissists and other disordered people, it can be easy to forget to take care of ourselves and to do things we love. But it is especially important for us to eke out time for these activities when we are in need of inner strength and rejuvenation. It often doesn’t take much immersion into our chosen activity to see significant benefits.
When life gets tough … when difficult and/or toxic people are at their worst … whatever the situation may be, it’s time to dig deep into self-help. And if professional resources are needed, always remember to reach out to those individuals. But in the meantime, find those experiences and activities that are meaningful. A state of ‘flow’ is always waiting there, ready to provide a reprieve and positive energy. Go with your ‘flow’.
*Copy-and-paste link to books on the subject of the state of ‘flow’: https://amzn.to/3s9kvkM
Until next time,
~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn
For everyone who finds special occasions like today, Father’s Day, challenging for any reason, I get it. If special occasions also feel like walking on egg shells (or possibly landmines), I completely understand where you’re coming from. This can be particularly so when narcissists are in the picture.
If your family of origin involved narcissism, special occasions were likely incredibly challenging to deal with from early in your life and probably remained that way throughout your childhood and into adulthood. Maybe the narcissistically-inclined parent was your mom, or maybe your dad, or maybe both of your parents. Whoever it was, it’s highly likely that special occasions were often drama-filled, emotionally draining and confusing events during your childhood and possibly into adulthood.
When it comes to narcissists, they feel the need to always be the center of attention, even on special occasions that have nothing to do with them. They will cause drama, upheaval and emotional upset by whatever means necessary. Maybe they’re sulking because the day isn’t about them but they’re making it appear as though someone slighted them and caused the issue. Or maybe they’re starting arguments because they want to take the attention away from the special occasion. It’s possible that they will criticize the people who are trying to celebrate by saying that their efforts aren’t good enough or they’ve done everything wrong. Whatever it may be, narcissists very commonly ruin special occasions, all for the need to be the constant focus of the family. And that toxic, narcissistic energy often attaches to special occasions and can bring apprehension and anxiety to other family members year after year after year. What is Mom going to do to ruin everything this year? What will Dad say to upset everyone so that he can storm off and then be free to do something he’d rather be doing?
Rather than being happy and enjoyable celebrations, special occasions in narcissistic families are often the exact opposite. They are prone to being stressful, anxiety-provoking, emotionally taxing situations that come to be dreaded every year rather than looked forward to. The narcissist’s negativity permeates virtually every special day circled on the calendar, particularly if that day doesn’t happen to be all about them. And even if it is ‘their’ day (say, a birthday), they will regularly ruin those with complaints of the celebration not being lavish enough, or no one got them what they wanted as a gift, or someone else was getting more attention than them for five minutes, or they simply feel like sulking and keeping everyone guessing by not divulging what it’s all about, and so on. There is no winning when it comes to narcissists and special events.
So, is there any way to get through these times as unscathed as possible? In the event that you decide to make a call to your family or drop by for a visit, be emotionally and mentally prepared. Know your limits as to what you are and are not willing to discuss with them. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ or ‘that’s something I don’t wish to talk about’. Boundaries are important. If you are pushed and bullied to engage in a discussion that you are uncomfortable with, it’s fine to let your parent(s)/family members know that you need to end the conversation and politely say goodbye. If you are in-person and this situation arises, let them know that you’re leaving and be on your way. No apologies, no excuses, no justifications necessary. You have the right to protect yourself and your wellbeing. Don’t allow the guilt trips or aggressiveness to sway you to stay and possibly be verbally/emotionally abused or attacked.
Obviously being low contact or no contact with your family of origin is a sure way to keep yourself safe and avoid negativity and possible verbal/emotional attacks. If you do reach out to a narcissistic parent or an enabling parent on a day such as today and a phone call or visit is not on the table (only do what you feel comfortable doing), texting and/or emailing are always viable options for sending a message. It’s okay to let your parent know you’re thinking of them in a way that allows you to avoid being drawn into an emotional maze. Sometimes it comes down to what you feel you need to do (touch base with a parent even if it’s difficult, etc.) rather than what you believe anyone else expects from you. If you’re currently in therapy or self-directed recovery work from narcissistic abuse, there is no need to set yourself back by opening doors that need to be closed either temporarily or permanently. Do what you feel safe doing. Maybe reaching out simply isn’t an option for you today; that’s absolutely fine. This is your decision and there is no right or wrong here.
Another way to cope with special occasions fraught with confusion, emotional upheaval and frustration is to create new traditions on your own or with friends, a partner, children, etc. Start a new chapter with these celebrations and rewrite what they will look like for you. Do what you can to let go of the negative energy that has been attached to these dates (likely for years or decades) and make them whatever you want them to be.
Above all else, it’s helpful to keep in mind that narcissists are extremely similar to a tired, grouchy toddler who didn’t get their own way. This may involve sulking, tantrums, childish outbursts and more, but you need to consider the source. Narcissists are disordered individuals who are protecting and seeking to feed their fragile egos at all costs. Not being the center of attention is viewed as a loss from their perspective and they will react in the most immature ways, along with lashing out and attacking those they feel have slighted them by not having their focus on the narcissist at all times. When we can understand the dynamics at play with narcissists, it can make dealing with them much less challenging. Also, keeping our own emotions out of the mix is a beneficial action. Don’t take their behaviour personally and try not to allow them to ‘get a rise out of you’.
So, Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there! To everyone for whom this day and other special occasions are difficult, I wish you the best in getting through it with grace and strength. For everyone (ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists) who grew up in a dysfunctional family headed by a narcissist (or narcissists), step up the self-care if necessary in order to stay strong and healthy, and only do what you feel comfortable with. Not everyone understands or could even begin to understand the dynamics of the relationships within your family of origin (FOO) and the narcissist(s) at the helm, so it’s best to take all of the well-meaning societal messages with a grain of salt. No one has the right to push you into contact with someone simply because that someone happens to be a parent or family member. Listen to your intuition and only do what is right foryou. Whatever feels right for you, trust it, embrace it and move forward with the knowledge that you’re doing your best and that’s all that matters.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
As a child of a narcissist parent, it can be all the more devastating to witness the other parent behaving in an enabling fashion. It can create painful feelings of betrayal, loss, loneliness, fear, shame and disappointment that never completely dissipate. The enabler will more often than not take the side of the narcissist at all costs, even assuming the role of a flying monkey when required. For a child in this situation, it can feel as though there is no one on their side and nowhere safe to turn, unless they have the good fortune of other non-narcissist/non-enabling adults in their life (grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings, etc.).
The main reasons that a parent may become an enabler to their narcissistic partner are a) they are completely oblivious with regard to narcissism and that they are involved with a narcissist (they often operate with a blind loyalty to their partner); b) whether or not they are aware of narcissism and that their partner is a narcissist, their life is less challenging when they go along with them.
To go into those reasons more deeply, many people have heard the terms ‘narcissism’ and ‘narcissist’ but they don’t truly understand what it means. As a result, they will remain unaware of the dysfunctional web in which they exist. There’s also a very high likelihood that the enabling parent grew up in a narcissistic family and were then drawn to narcissists as adults because of the feeling of familiarity within that form of dysfunction and abuse.
On the second point, there is no doubt that going along with and even catering to a narcissistic partner, often against one’s own children, is the path of least resistance for an enabling parent. The partner recognizes that both they and their children need to revolve around the narcissist in an attempt to pacify them and hopefully bring some relief from the abusive environment. The thinking is that maybe if we all just do what the narcissist wants, life will be more tolerable, even temporarily. However, if the non-narcissistic parent does not go along with the narcissist in every way, even so far as scapegoating one of their own children, they will become the target of their partner’s wrath. In some ways, it’s an “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em’ mentality that permeates this relationship and family dynamic.
An example of a family with a narcissistic mother at the helm
There’s no doubt that the enabling parent is in a challenging position and that they will regularly suffer abuse and punishment (silent treatment, berating, shaming, false accusations, sometimes physical violence and so on), subtle and/or direct, at the hands of their narcissistic partner if they choose not to comply as an enabler (aware or unaware, this is what it comes down to). Narcissism is literally an ongoing cycle of victimization which typically travels down through generations. However, this does not negate the fact that, as an adult, they have choices. They can make their opinions known regarding the scapegoating of their child and the likely golden child routine if there are other children and then do their best to enforce compliance in this regard. They can ‘stand up’ for their child/children. They also have the option of ending the relationship with the narcissist, although, unfortunately, this can at times leave children in the care of said narcissist without the buffer of the other parent when it comes to shared custody arrangements. There are ways to lessen the negative effects of this type of situation but I won’t go into them today.
The bottom line is that enablers are ruled by fear and will resort to disordered behaviour, even towards their own children, in an effort to avoid issues with their partner. Is this weak? Probably. However, these people, as mentioned above, have likely lived through a narcissistic childhood themselves, which has led them to the pattern of ending up with other narcissists in adulthood. They don’t know anything else but being abused and controlled. Their skewed, lifelong belief system encourages them to accept that this type of family system is ‘normal’. Unless their level of awareness is somehow raised when it comes to narcissistic family dynamics, they are more likely than not to continue with the status quo. This certainly doesn’t excuse them from accountability or responsibility; however, it does offer a probable explanation for their behaviour.
The sad reality of the family members of a narcissist is that everyone, regardless of whether they understand the dynamics or not, lives a life of walking on egg shells, enduring abusive behaviour, and doing their best to avoid being targeted by the narcissist. It’s a no-win situation and one that causes great strain and damage, especially for children. And from this dysfunction is often born more dysfunctional patterns as people carry on from a narcissistic childhood to be drawn to partners, friends, etc. who tend to have narcissistic tendencies.
How does this ever get better, you may be asking yourself. Obviously, narcissism has been around for as long as human beings have existed. This is a long-standing issue. Awareness is the key. Social education on narcissism is crucial in order to allow people to recognize and make informed decisions on toxic people in their lives and then take steps to mitigate the damage to themselves and possibly help others in the process. It’s highly unlikely for a narcissistic person to change, but everyone around them has the option to make changes, big or small, in an effort to improve the quality of their lives. There’s no hard and fast rule to follow because everyone’s situation is unique; however, no one is required to forever suffer at the hands of a narcissist. Awareness and education on narcissism, together with support systems and professional assistance for people who have been damaged, can bring about hope and positive change.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Twitter
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