Tag: emotions (Page 7 of 7)

The Connection Between Narcissistic Abuse, Trauma, and Addiction

December 4, 2023 / / 0 Comments

As I’ve written about in previous posts, narcissistic abuse can be emotional, physical, psychological, and/or verbal. Those who have experienced it may struggle with anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, self-esteem issues, dissociation, questioning reality, and other issues. Targets of narcissistic abuse may feel confused, ashamed, worthless, and to blame for situations that they didn’t cause. And this can occur within families, friendships, work environments, and romantic relationships.

Turning to substances or addictive behaviours may be viewed (consciously or unconsciously) as a means of coping with trauma and emotional pain, allowing for temporary relief from abuse and a false feeling of comfort and control. These may come in the form of alcohol, drugs, gambling, excessive shopping, eating disorders, risky sexual behaviours, or self-harm.

Seeking solace in substances or behaviours often becomes part of the cycle of abuse. Sometimes abusers may use their target’s addiction to manipulate and control them further in order to maintain power and dominance in the relationship. This can then add to the target’s feelings of helplessness and lack of control while deepening the abuse and addiction cycle.

Help is available, though, by having a professional create an approach for addressing both the trauma and addictive behaviours. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) can be helpful to heal trauma, learn coping tools, and rebuild self-esteem and confidence. Online and in-person support groups (AA, etc.) are also invaluable resources.

As always, self-care is important in this process, as is establishing and maintaining boundaries and spending time with trusted others who are supportive of the healing process.

Remember that there is hope. Addiction is a common response to abuse and trauma because it provides a reprieve; but this is only temporary and addictions are unhealthy. So it’s important for those of us who are scapegoats or exposed to toxic people, to be aware of the potential for leaning on substances or addictive behaviours for solace in order to keep it and the intertwined cycle from happening. And if it has managed to happen, we need to seek support and assistance from professionals and trusted others so that we can eradicate it from our lives. We deserve to be healthy, abuse-free, and addiction-free.

Here are some book recommendations on the subject of abuse, trauma, and addictions: https://amzn.to/3UiE8CX

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching

naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and TikTok

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*

Peace and Space After Narcissistic Abuse

November 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Maybe we went no contact with the narcissist. Or low contact. There may simply be new boundaries that we won’t allow to be crossed. Whatever the case may be, less time interacting with narcissists or other toxic people often amounts to more peace and space in our lives.

How do peace and space help? First of all, we can step back and just breathe. And we can view ourselves and our lives without the cloud of abuse hanging over us. Peace allows for clearing the mind of abusive chatter. We can see things more clearly, including ourselves. And the more space and peace we experience, the more strength we develop and the less tolerance we have for abusive behaviour.

Will peace and space feel strange off the start? Definitely. When we’ve been in any sort of abusive relationship (from family to partners, co-workers, friends, etc.), we don’t have either of those things. They are unfamiliar. So when they come into our lives, it can be unsettling at first. But if we sit with them and learn to appreciate space and peace, they can take us to beautiful and empowering places. We can learn to love ourselves, to see red flags and toxic patterns, and to take steps to protect ourselves from future abuse.

The longer we have peace and space in our lives, the more clearly we will see behaviours that don’t mesh with them. We’ll protect them because we know how important they are to our wellbeing. And, most importantly, we’ll grow to recognize that we deserve to be treated with respect and that we are not to blame for the issues of disordered people.

Here is a link to resources for finding peace after abuse: peace after abuse

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching

naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*

Feel Those Feelings!

November 15, 2023 / / 0 Comments

One thing many of us find common with narcissists is that they don’t like seeing others express emotion, especially their scapegoat(s). Why? Because they can’t control other people’s emotions. They have no way of predicting or managing whether tears might turn to anger or any other emotions. And they could lose people (such as enablers or flying monkeys) who typically ‘side’ with them — even temporarily — if empathy is felt and expressed by others towards the scapegoat.

The narcissist needs the scapegoat to be under their thumb at all times so that they can confidently manage the family/relational dynamics and maintain their position of power. However, the rule of no emotions, of course, does not apply to them. Narcissists love to show emotion when it suits them, and they can turn on the emotional drama when they need to manipulate a situation. Yes, in their opinion, they’re allowed to show emotions — fake or real — and everyone needs to accept it and take care of them, but they don’t tolerate it well from anyone else.

As is typical, narcissists don’t want anything or anyone in their environment that might be unpredictable, uncontrollable, or liable to impact their power. When scapegoats show emotion, it’s common for narcissists to respond with anger, disgust, or even the silent treatment in an attempt to shut it all down as quickly as possible.

Remember, it’s okay to feel. No one has the right to tell anyone how their feelings should look, or that they’re not allowed to express their feelings at all. Certainly, sometimes it’s safer to avoid expressing emotions in front of people who are known to invalidate them or to become angry or violent, but the key is to not allow that to become a habit throughout all areas and with everyone in our lives.

We humans are thinking, feeling beings. We have the right to think and to feel in whatever ways work for us. Our emotions belong to us.

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching

www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com

Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and TikTok

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours*

Intuition and Why We Should Listen to It

May 3, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Being aware of our intuition and feelings is important. This is especially true when it comes to how we feel around certain people. The Oxford Languages definition of intuition is “the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning”.  Further, according to the Berkley Well-Being Institute, “[i]ntuition is the result of your brain putting together everything you have learned from past experiences in your life to help you form a quick conclusion.”

Our intuition signals when someone (or something) isn’t good for us. Toxic people, particularly narcissists, will trigger intuitive and emotional reactions in us, whether or not we’re consciously aware of the why of it. When we’ve come from toxic and dysfunctional upbringings, we’re usually given the distinct impression that it’s frowned upon – maybe even punishable – to listen to our intuition or feelings. And we can easily become disconnected from these warning systems as a result. Why do toxic people want us to ignore our intuition? Because if we paid attention to it, then we would be acknowledging that the intuitive alarms are sounding because someone in our environment is setting them off, letting us know that we should defend and protect ourselves from some type of harm, and then we might act on the warning. Toxic people don’t want us to act on feelings that we should defend ourselves. They want complete control and for their scapegoats and others to accept any situation without question.

So, here’s the thing: our intuition and our feelings are worth listening to and honouring. When dealing with narcissists and other toxic people, we have the option of setting aside their manipulations and unpleasant behaviour and simply hearing what’s happening inside of us. We can ask ourselves, “how am I feeling as I’m interacting with this person?”.  And if it’s bringing about unpleasant feelings – whether it’s the first time or the thousandth time – we have every right to create boundaries and enforce them. That could look like walking away, telling someone our boundaries, or maybe limiting our contact with them through no contact or low contact. It could even give us time and space to clear our minds and reevaluate certain relationships. Obviously, that will depend on the person’s role in our life. Is there likely to be pushback from an individual or individuals that we’re taking a stand with for ourselves? There’s a huge chance of it, yes. But can we weather that storm in honour and protection of ourselves? Absolutely.

Growing up in a dysfunctional environment often breaks us down on every level. We accept poor treatment because we’ve been trained to think we don’t deserve better or that this is what love looks like or that there are very real consequences for going against or questioning the status quo. It’s usually all we’ve ever experienced, so it’s challenging to imagine that it’s ‘wrong’ or that we could possibly expect something different for ourselves. But despite all of that, our intuition and our emotions will continue to speak to us and set off those internal alarms. Someone in our lives may have trained us to believe that we’re inferior and/or a black sheep and so on, and we may not question those narratives about ourselves as a result. We’ve literally been brainwashed. But our instinct or sixth sense – whatever we want to call it – will always be operating inside us. No one can shut that off, regardless of how much they’d like to do so. They can condition us not to listen to it, for sure. Like when we’re told that we’re “too sensitive” or “stupid” or “unattractive”, we may believe it because we’ve been told for so long that’s it’s true and we’ll likely have received strong reactions to any attempts  we’ve made to contradict those claims against us. And yet, our intuition will be telling us otherwise. It may be a little flutter in the solar plexus (physical sensations) or flickering feelings and/or thoughts that contradict the toxic words or beliefs being expressed to us. That will always be there. And we will always have the option to hear it and, if we so choose, act on it.

That little voice inside us – or the interconnected reactions within our physical bodies – is our ally, our protector, our connection to truth and authenticity within ourselves. When our environment is harsh and hurtful, intuition is rays of light within us that point the way to our truth. And it isn’t going anywhere. It’s there for us any time, anywhere, and it forever will be. We have freedom of choice to hear it or ignore it. But, regardless of what we choose, we have that element of choice available to us. That’s empowering in itself.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

How to avoid feeling lonely during the holiday season in our ‘new normal’

December 8, 2020 / / 0 Comments

The holiday season has always had the potential to bring a mixed bag of emotions with it, including loneliness. This year, the pandemic has created an entirely new set of circumstances on a global level. Many areas all over the world have been placed under government directives to socialize only with those with whom they reside throughout the holidays. For those who live alone, they are allowed to visit with the member(s) of one other household. Obviously these directives vary depending on where you live but the above seems to be fairly common.

There are plenty of ways to keep loneliness at bay during special occasions and on a more regular basis. Keeping busy (with rest and relaxation mixed in, of course) is the ultimate method because it can help to keep our minds from dwelling on situations that may bring with them feelings of sadness and/or loneliness. Read a book, listen to music, continue with or take up a hobby (writing, photography, art, music, dance, gardening or houseplants, etc.) or online course (lots of good ones out there and some are free or currently on sale), watch some great shows or movies (I’m finding ‘This is Us’ to be a series I enjoy watching, and ‘Burden of Truth’ was great before this, too. ‘Klaus’ is the most recent movie I watched and I found it to be really well-written and executed), tackle jobs around your home that you haven’t had time for. Go for a drive along a scenic route. Or call/text/message/Zoom with friends and family. It may not be the same as in-person gatherings but they are still good ways to connect.

Exercise is another option for spending time during the holidays. Walking, skiing (X-country or downhill) or snowboarding, sledding, snowshoeing, skating, jogging, biking – all great forms of outdoor fitness that easily comply with physical distancing directives and will get you into the fresh air and releasing those endorphins. Just being out in nature can be uplifting and a mood booster. Indoors, there’s yoga, Pilates, walking on a treadmill, stretches or simple workout routines, to name a few.

If you do find that loneliness or even depression begin to creep in and you need assistance to deal with it, always know that there is professional help available. Therapists and counsellors appear to be offering both in-office and virtual sessions. Some may even have subsidized sessions available, depending upon your financial situation. There are also many online resources like Big White Wall, Headspace and other providers who are available 24/7 online and/or by phone. You are never alone. With mental health finally getting the attention it deserves, more and more resources are being developed and made easily accessible to the general public. A quick internet search will find you someone to talk to at any time of the day or night. In an emergency mental health situation, though, don’t hesitate to call 9-1-1.

Cooking and/or baking can be enjoyable activities, especially for special occasions. If you’re an experienced cook or baker, whip up your favourite dishes or try something new. If you’re a novice, take some time to practice with recipes you’re interested in learning to make. In the event that you need some direction, call a friend or family member, or watch a YouTube video for more in-depth explanations and tips.

How about starting a side hustle? With the pandemic-related move to more and more businesses going online, now might be the perfect time to give life to that idea that you’ve been dreaming about. The possibilities are endless. And you just might find that your passion could turn into your new livelihood.

So, going into the upcoming holiday season, we all have the option of making the best of it and taking steps to avoid loneliness as much as possible. We might even rekindle or discover activities that will stay with us long beyond the holidays. 🙂

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

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