A key feature of narcissists is their need to create a scapegoat (or, sometimes, scapegoats). Scapegoats are the fall guys for toxic people. Narcissists: “Our family has problems…the scapegoat caused all of it”…”I’m having a bad day at the office…the scapegoat is at fault”. Obviously they wouldn’t use the term “scapegoat”. Replace that with actual names and you’ve got it.
Anyone who is a scapegoat will have experienced narcissistic abuse (put-downs, endless criticisms, regular pointing out of alleged flaws, being unjustifiably blamed for everything, sometimes physical abuse, and so on). This can occur anywhere – within families, romantic relationships, or within workplaces. And its purpose is to keep the heat off the narcissist. They pass the buck so that they never need to be accountable for their actions or viewed as they truly are. So, this abuse is the first step within a toxic system. The second step is that of scapegoats accepting blame for the abuse. Most scapegoats find themselves feeling so defeated and downtrodden that they begin to believe that they are who they’re told they are, everything wrong is their fault, and they deserve to be abused. We’re trained to believe these things; that we’re the problem and we get the treatment that is coming to us as a result. That’s what the narcissist needs us to believe, and they often have enablers/flying monkeys who will gladly support this dysfunctional system just to maintain the status quo and to avoid becoming abused or scapegoated themselves.
It’s quite the grand cover-up that narcissists create for themselves at the expense of others. So, when it looks like they have everything locked up and have left us no way out, how do we escape it? The biggest step is awareness. Just being conscious of how this disordered system works is more than half the battle. Beyond that, we have numerous options. We can go low- or no-contact with the abusive individual and their enablers. This can be challenging, whether it’s within a workplace, family, or other type of relationship. It may mean taking steps that are outside of our comfort zone. But we are never trapped unless we allow ourselves to believe that we are. There are paths out of the lair. We just need to see them and be willing to take the steps. That may mean walking away from or creating strong boundaries within family or relationships, asking for shift or department changes at work, or maybe even finding a new job with a healthy environment.
No one…absolutely no one…deserves to be abused, let alone trained to feel that they brought the abuse on themselves. It’s soul-crushing and unfair. Once we see the actual truth of how it all works, we can open our minds to new, healthy possibilities for ourselves. For me, personally, when I pulled myself out of the narcissistic and abusive system and began to heal, my life started to change in amazing ways. I also learned so much about who I am. Read that again: who I am. Because it’s difficult to know who we truly are within abuse. It becomes much clearer when we’re no longer being manipulated and abused. The basic fact, though, is that none of us are the person that dysfunctional people and their enablers make us out to be. That’s just a fictional role that is thrust upon us to serve the selfish needs of others. We don’t have to wear the scapegoat suit, nor do we have to accept abuse at the hands of anyone. We aren’t responsible for making anyone feel good about themselves or holding together a dysfunctional system that thrives on toxicity, just to avoid rocking the boat. Rocking the boat needs to happen if positive change is to come into our lives.
And there are always people available to help us along the way. They can come in the form of non-toxic family members, friends, co-workers. There are also many different professionals who can help, including life coaches, counsellors, social workers, HR representatives in workplaces, and the list goes on. We aren’t ever alone, even though it may sometimes feel that way.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
