I thought it might be beneficial to write a post about attachment within dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists.
Attachment theory is based in psychology and looks at the relationship between a primary caregiver and their baby. There are different stages of attachment, moving from birth to around two years of age. Although there are four defined styles of attachment, both avoidant and dismissive attachment are the most common for children of narcissists. These are insecure attachments, as compared to secure attachment with caregivers on which a child can depend.
Avoidant attachment involves a style of the child showing absolutely no preference for their caregiver or a complete stranger. Often, this is created by caregivers who are neglectful and/or abusive.
Disorganized attachment looks like a mixture of behaviour, seeming at times confused or disoriented. Due to caregivers who have made a child fearful of them, this style can result in the desire to defend oneself while still wanting to reach out to and form attachments with others.
Beyond the age of two, avoidant attachment often includes avoidance of seeking help from others because the individual needed to learn to be independent when their caregiver was never there for them. Disorganized attachment individuals may display disassociation and/or symptoms of PTSD.
As adults, these attachment patterns, which formed at a young age, stay with us. This often results in the recreation of these attachment/relationship styles throughout our lives, particularly in romantic interactions. They shape how we see ourselves and others.
With insecure attachments, we may have more stress hormones, negative self-perception, and difficulties with emotions, cognition, and behaviour. Anxiety, depression, and PTSD are also common outcomes.
So, where does this leave us? When we become aware of these attachment styles and how they can impact us on many levels, we can learn to get out in front of them. We can change our perspectives and perceptions. We have the power and the tools to overcome these patterns. Two of the main things we need are awareness and a desire to improve our situation. Stop and think when an automatic response to a situation arises within: why is it that I’m feeling this way? Is it a lifetime habit based in my childhood? Is there another, more positive and healthy reaction that could be chosen? What are the actual feelings at play here, rather than habitual reactions?
There is hope. It can and does get better. Here’s a link to a book on the subject: https://amzn.to/3JcVfid.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter
The realization of the fact that you’ve been experiencing narcissistic abuse is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, your eyes have been opened and you are now aware, which offers you the opportunity to make well-informed choices for yourself. On the other hand, this awareness often brings with it feelings of anger, regret, sadness, shame, isolation, confusion and so on. It basically takes your emotions on a whirlwind roller coaster ride.
My advice is to allow yourself to fully feel the array of emotions. They will be intense and sometimes overwhelming but you need to feel them in order to move on to processing them. Cry, scream, punch a pillow, etc. If you feel the need to talk with someone about your journey, do your best to turn to someone you know you can trust. This could be a family member, friend, support system such as Natural Clarity Coaching, or a counsellor/therapist. It’s not advisable to share your feelings with your abuser because that will simply open more doors for them to continue abusing you and playing mind games. Clarity is incredibly important at this time, so not allowing the narcissist to muddy the waters is beneficial. Yes, you’ll want to tell them that you’ve figured them out and that you’re incredibly hurt and upset. Just remember that these are people who lack empathy and compassion; they will never sincerely take accountability for their actions let alone offer up an apology or anything else that might make you feel less damaged. Plus, their goal is to continue to control you and carry on with your focus being on them, so keeping your feelings quiet from this person is usually the best policy. Find whatever trustworthy and helpful support systems you can while you’re moving through this part of the journey. Of course, if you prefer to do this solo, by all means, do. Whatever works for you. If you want to but can’t find anyone (or even if you can but could use more connections), online support groups can be incredibly helpful. There is something comforting and empowering about being able to read posts, write posts or comments if you want, involving people who have been or are currently in a similar place as you in a relationship with a narcissist (parent, partner, friend, etc.), It helps with gaining insight, feeling understood without having to explain yourself, seeing all of the parallels in the narcissists’ behaviours, and gaining strength in the knowledge that you didn’t cause this situation. In fact, many people begin to see that most narcissists seem to operate by the same play book! Sad but true.
The fork in your journey’s path
When you’re with the narcissist or by yourself in these early days of awareness, bring in calming and self-soothing practices such as deep breathing, mindfulness (being present in the moment without judgment), engaging in hobbies, getting out into nature, exercising, to name a few. Try to keep your mind from ruminating and replaying all of the negativity. That will just drag you into a potential state of depression and/or anxiety. And it’s okay to feel anger towards the narcissist but advisable to keep it under wraps. Now is the time to engage in self-care in order to keep yourself strong on all levels. Educate yourself on narcissism and how it has impacted you. Put some time into getting back in touch with yourself, your needs, your hopes and dreams. Focus on the future and what and who YOU want in your life from now on. You have arrived at a fork in your journey’s path and you have options from which to choose. Make plans for how you will deal with your new view of the relationship in question. Yes, there will no doubt be days that it all seems like too much and you might feel utter sadness and loss. You might even try to convince yourself that you’re wrong about this person and that you should give them a second chance. That’s perfectly ‘normal’.
As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, a great gauge for relationships is honestly taking a close look at how you truly feel when you’re around someone. Does the way they treat you make you feel good about yourself? Do you enjoy spending time with them? Do you feel cared for and important? Or does their behaviour make you feel unloved, unappreciated, and generally less-than? Is there often an air of condescension and disdain from this person when you interact with them? Do you regularly feel fearful in their presence, like you’re walking on eggshells, or worried that they could abandon you at any moment? Do you feel manipulated, controlled and/or under attack and as though you’re always making them upset and/or angry? Asking yourself these questions and answering them with 100 percent honesty can be a great reality check, especially if you have recently wondered if or decided that someone in your life is abusive towards you.
In summary, here are possible steps (in their simplest form) towards recovery:
Let the information about the narcissist and abuse sink in. Take all the time you need. It is typically shocking and life-altering when this revelation takes place.
Allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that come along with this realization, regardless of how difficult it may be. Do your best to not skip this step. It may seem too intense or as though you can just stuff everything down, but it doesn’t work that way. Feel them, because whether they make you angry, sad, confused, empty, or anything in between, you need to feel them. This is an integral part of the process.
While you are working on Step #2, do some research on narcissism and narcissistic abuse. You will likely discover that narcissists are disordered, dysfunctional people (most of whom have been hurt by other narcissists) who spend every waking moment trying to protect their fragile egos. If you happened to get caught up in their vortex, just know that their behaviour had nothing to do with you. You are not to blame. They are on auto-pilot in their lives, seeking to constantly fill a never-ending void (supply of attention from others) and to placate and dull their underlying feelings of weakness, neediness, low self-esteem and dysfunction. They typically demonstrate the same cycle of behaviours in most of their relationships. When you realize that, despite all the narcissist’s complaints and projections directed at you, their problems and issues are not your fault, you aren’t defective or to blame for everything that goes wrong in their life, you are deserving of kindness, respect and caring, then you will learn to expect so much more for yourself and not be willing to accept sub-par treatment.
Begin to process your emotions. You’ve taken the opportunity to feel them, and now it’s time to look at them from a more practical standpoint. Sometimes it helps to do this with a therapist or within a safe support system. But if you feel that you want to start out on your own with it, give it a try. Don’t expect this stage to be a quick one, though. The gamut of emotions has likely been run throughout your relationship with this person so there will be a lot to sort through and try to make sense of. You may even question everything you felt or believed in the past. You may need to revisit many different memories and experiences in order to look at them from a new point of view. That’s okay. In time, your mind and heart will put it all together in such a way that you can move forward more easily. For now, show yourself patience, understanding and love. You’ve been through a very difficult experience and you need to feel compassion for yourself. Whatever you do, don’t skip this step.(#4). When we leave emotions and challenging experiences unprocessed, they don’t just go away. They will interfere with our everyday lives and new relationships and friendships, sometimes in ways that the connection to your past experiences isn’t even on the radar. They will pop up at times when you least expect them, sometimes in the oddest of ways. But have no doubt, they’ll be there until you deal with them once and for all. Imagery can help here. A good exercise is to face the memories/thoughts/feelings head-on. Picture each of them as being on a sheet of paper. Be honest with yourself about how you felt at that particular time and how you feel now. You could even write everything down and then burn the papers later, or work through it out loud with a trusted support person. And then, when you feel ready, imagine placing that sheet of ‘memory’ paper into a file folder marked ‘Closed’, which then goes into a filing cabinet or even a bonfire. Whatever works for you, give it a try. EMDR and Brainspotting are also very helpful for processing difficult emotions and thoughts. Find a qualified practitioner if this interests you.
Start making plans for your future that include your hopes and dreams. It’s finally your time to fully take care of yourself and begin to look forward to what lies ahead on your journey. And now that your awareness of narcissism has grown, you will be much less likely to fall prey to a narcissist in the future.
If you are currently in a situation where you have to endure interactions with a narcissist, here are a few ways to stay strong, balanced and uphold your boundaries:
Do your best to avoid being drawn into their negativity. Using the ‘grey rock’ technique of being non-emotional, as boring as possible and generally rock-like can often deter a narcissist because they can’t get the reactions that they are hoping to.
Walk away rather than being drawn into a cyclical argument or rant against you or someone meaningful in your life.
Keep yourself grounded by taking a walk outside, talking to someone other than the narcissist, taking part in activities that keep your mind from wandering to the narcissistic nonsense, or anything else that works for you.
Reminding yourself that you are dealing with someone whose main goal is to protect their fragile and highly sensitive ego at all costs. Recognizing that their issues are their own and that the behaviour they exhibit has nothing to do with you.
If you so choose, begin making plans to go low or no contact with the narcissist. Just the thought of breaking free from a narcissistically-inclined person can often be enough to lift spirits and clear the mind.
Self-care is incredibly important when regular interaction with a narcissist is necessary for whatever reason. Take a long bath, read a book, go for a walk in nature, watch something on Netflix, etc. Whatever you enjoy doing, do it. Taking care of yourself is especially beneficial when interacting with problematic people because it can help to keep your strength up on all levels.
Mindfulness – bring your mind to the present moment, without judgment. See the narcissist’s behaviour for what it is (their issues), take a few deep breaths and go on with doing what you need to do.
When it comes to dealing with narcissists, learning the tools that work best for you to stay strong and not be drawn in is a great step to take for your own wellbeing and further developing coping strategies. If you would like a support system to help you with these strategies, contact us as set out below.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
