Tag: compassion

Let it RAIN

March 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hello All,

Thanks for being here. 🙂

RAIN is an acronym for a healing, meditative system for mindfulness and compassion regarding behaviours and thoughts that might be rooted in fear or other feelings. It stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. This is especially beneficial for those who are survivors of narcissistic abuse or other dysfunctional relationships because it is a gentle process that can be carried out alone and at any choice of pace.

The way it works is simple. We may at some point become aware, to whatever degree, of patterns of behaviour and thoughts that we are engaging in.  There could be a catalyst that brings us to this awareness. Maybe we just had a massive blow-up with our partner or a friend. Maybe we always feel like a failure despite clear evidence to the contrary. It could be anything, or nothing at all. We may have simply arrived at this point of awareness and we’re ready to look more deeply at it. From here, we begin to recognize what might be happening. We are acknowledging  that something is negatively affecting us. And we need to ask ourselves some questions from a non-judgmental state. Are we trying to control everything; to micromanage ourselves and others? Are we unintentionally harming ourselves or important relationships with others through challenging behaviours that also affect them? These are just a couple of questions we may ask ourselves but it will all depend on what we are doing and thinking, and in what context.  This doesn’t need to be a full-blown self-inquiry. It can look like quiet but intentional thoughts or even a whisper.

The next step is to allow ourselves this state of recognition, without trying to understand it or label it. Just sit peacefully with it, in the absence of judgement or blame.  This is somewhat of a purposeful pause in order to allow for deeper levels of attention.  Fear might be showing itself. Anxiety may be hovering. We can allow ourselves to quietly observe anything that arises and acknowledge its presence within ourselves or certain situations.

Next is the investigative phase. Here, we can move on to investigating more about why we might be engaging in certain behaviours that may be causing issues for us. This is an opportunity for us to listen to our body and what it might be feeling. As the saying goes, “the issues are in our tissues”. Our bodies hold a record of our thoughts and emotions, good and bad. For example, is there tightness or discomfort in certain areas? If so, what do you think might be behind this; fear, anxiety, anger, hurt? Then ask a few simple questions. What is it that we believe about ourselves or situations that results in patterns of certain thoughts and behaviours that are not beneficial? Do we do “fill in the blank” out of fear? Are we concerned about losing control and having our worst fears come to fruition? Do we have childhood trauma from toxic role models and so we unconsciously act on messages that were unjustifiably funnelled to us as children, such as inadequacy, that we’re unlovable, abandonment, rejection, fear, and so on? Do we project unresolved, fear-based feelings from past experiences and relationships onto current relationships, inadvertently causing conflict in the present?

Lastly, we move to the nurturing process of the RAIN system. Here is the space where we show ourselves compassion and love after recognizing that we are suffering in some way. We need to ask our inner selves what is needed. Is it reassurance? Is it forgiveness? Is it engaging more in connections with others?  Then we actively provide that care to ourselves. “You’re okay.” “This isn’t your fault”. “Trust yourself”. “It’s okay to reach out for connection”.

After the four RAIN steps have been completed, it’s important to simply feel our own presence and awareness. Hold onto that meditative state for as long as you need to. We don’t need to self-limit ourselves and our lives because of fear or other heavy feelings. We can seek them out within ourselves, sit with the new awareness, acknowledge our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and then nurture ourselves. In this process, we have the potential to move to new and improved spaces in our lives through self-acceptance, understanding, and compassion.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

References
Brach, T. (2020, January 1). RAIN: A practice of radical compassion. Tara Brach. https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/

 

 

Enablers are often abused by narcissists

December 9, 2022 / / 0 Comments

 

For many of us – whether we are no contact, low contact, or still involved with our family of origin – witnessing or hearing about a narcissist abusing their enabler will be a common theme.  This could be parents, grandparents, siblings in unhealthy relationships, etc.  When we make choices to protect ourselves from narcissistic abuse, we may also lose our connection with the enabler.  It can feel like a double-whammy and a huge loss.  Although enablers can often seem like accessories to the behaviour of narcissists, let’s take a look at things from their perspective.

Enabling personalities will justify or indirectly support the often harmful behaviour of narcissists.  In most cases, this is unintentional.  It could be the result of the enabler having been raised in a toxic family and feeling that the dynamics are ‘normal’ in adulthood.  And the other main reason can be that the enabler is also narcissistically abused by their partner.  This typically rotates with special treatment in order for the narcissist to keep the enabler hooked.  In essence, though, going along with the narcissist creates the least amount of suffering for the enabler.  It’s not right or fair to anyone involved, particularly scapegoated children of any age, but it’s typically the best way for enablers to keep some semblance of peace in their lives.  While we may have high expectations of our parents, they are only human in the end.

So while looking at an enabler from the perspective of also being a target of the narcissist can sometimes be a difficult task, it can also be helpful for scapegoats to be aware of it, even if just to understand that their seemingly complicit behaviour isn’t personal against us.  This is definitely not an excuse for their being an often unwitting accessory to toxic actions, or at the very least a silent onlooker, but it’s a valid explanation.  Enablers are essentially programmed to go along with dysfunction.  In my experience and in hearing the experiences of many others, enablers suffer, too.  I’ve heard stories of enablers facing health challenges and being met with a ‘partner’ (using that term lightly) who has zero empathy, care, or concern.  In fact, the narcissist may even complain about how these health issues are inconvenient for them.  Despite the enabler’s loyalty to this person, they rarely or never see any reciprocation.  Narcissists cause suffering for everyone around them, unless we find ways to distance ourselves from them.  And when we do take steps to protect ourselves, we may then be witness to ongoing abuse against enablers.  We may even wish we could rescue them.  But, unfortunately, protecting ourselves against narcissistic people is a personal decision that needs to happen for each of us independently.  And trying to force anything can bring down a bigger storm of abuse on enablers.

Although any kind of ties with narcissists are never just, uncomplicated, or painless, it’s helpful to lessen the sting if we don’t view an enabler as part of a ‘team’ working against us with a toxic family member.  In many cases, as I’ve mentioned, enablers have grown up in abusive families, only to wind up with more abusers due to the patterns of dysfunction that they think are normal and familiar.  It’s sad, really.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Emotional Loneliness in Abnormal Environments

November 17, 2022 / / 0 Comments

As children in dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists in the mix, emotional loneliness can be a strong factor in our lives.  We may feel very alone and abandoned, and, in many cases, this creates feelings of something being ‘wrong’ with us.  In turn, we may use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with all of it.

This emotional loneliness comes from being in an abnormal environment where sympathetic interest in us is lacking.  We may be told we’re too sensitive or too emotional.  Or the unspoken (or sometimes spoken) message might be that we don’t matter enough to our family for them to even take the time or make the effort to hear us or provide any support or comfort.  We’re usually conditioned to believe that the only voices that matter come from our caregivers and that they’re the only ones who are permitted to have and express all manner of emotions.  It’s a lonely and emotionally cut-off place to be, without a doubt.  This is abuse and it creates interpersonal trauma.

But does feeling this way mean there’s something wrong with us?  No.  Not in any way, shape, or form.  The way we feel is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal environment.  In most cases, our caregivers simply weren’t emotionally mature enough themselves, for whatever reason, to offer emotional support to anyone else.  We feel the effects of that void in the form of emotional loneliness.  It’s like being completely alone on an island.  As humans, it’s absolutely normal to feel this way in response to a lack of healthy contact and support from our caregivers.  It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us.  The root of these feelings is people who aren’t there for us the way they should be.  And we’re having normal human reactions to being starved of those connections and experiences.

So, how do we overcome emotional loneliness?  First of all, be aware that it won’t happen overnight, but it’s worth taking the time to heal.  We need to begin by repairing our conditioned reality.  Dysfunctional families are not there for one another in healthy and supportive ways.  If we’re looking at narcissistic parenting, for example, narcissists, with their fragile and needy egos, have zero ability or desire to attend to anyone but themselves, and they expect everyone around them to make them the center of the universe as well.  Once we see that, things begin to make sense.  “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with me!  I was reacting normally to an abnormal environment.”  Then we need to move on to the next step, which is to learn to love ourselves.  It sounds cliched, for sure.  But it helps us to heal.  This can look like building compassion for and trust in ourselves, giving ourselves the unconditional love that we deserved but rarely or never received as children, comforting and hearing our inner child, learning to silence our internal critic and the guilt and shame that has been unjustly forced on us, and exercising regular self-care.  We need to develop healthy, non-toxic relationships with self and with supportive others in order to heal ourselves.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

What is Emotional/Psychological Trauma?

May 21, 2021 / / 0 Comments

In emotional/psychological terms, trauma can be described as a deeply disturbing or distressing experience. Another description of trauma is emotional shock following a stressful event or physical injury.

Three of the Main Forms of Trauma:

Acute – Resulting from a single dangerous or stressful event (PTSD)

Chronic – Resulting from repeated and prolonged exposure to highly stressful events (domestic violence, child abuse, bullying, etc.) (Chronic PTSD)

Complex – Resulting from exposure to multiple traumatic events (Complex PTSD)

Here are some of the signs and symptoms of emotional and psychological trauma (cascadebh.com):

Cognitive:

  • Intrusive thoughts of the event that may occur out of the blue
  • Nightmares
  • Visual images of the event
  • Loss of memory and concentration abilities
  • Disorientation
  • Confusion
  • Mood swings

Behavioral:

  • Avoidance of activities or places that trigger memories of the event
  • Social isolation and withdrawal
  • Lack of interest in previously-enjoyable activities

Physical:

  • Easily startled
  • Tremendous fatigue and exhaustion
  • Tachycardia
  • Edginess
  • Insomnia
  • Chronic muscle patterns
  • Sexual dysfunction
  • Changes in sleeping and eating patterns
  • Vague complaints of aches and pains throughout the body
  • Extreme alertness; always on the lookout for warnings of potential danger

Psychological:

  • Overwhelming fear
  • Obsessive and compulsive behaviors
  • Detachment from other people and emotions
  • Emotional numbing
  • Depression
  • Guilt – especially if one lived while others perished
  • Shame
  • Emotional shock
  • Disbelief
  • Irritability
  • Anger
  • Anxiety
  • Panic attacks

Below are some of the most common forms of trauma therapy:

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)

Behaviour Therapy (Exposure Therapy)

Psychodynamic Therapy

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Hypnotherapy

Group Therapy

Pharmacotherapy (Medication).

Unfortunately, trauma is a part of many people’s lives. Becoming trauma-informed (understanding how trauma is created and the symptoms, behaviours and needs of people who have been traumatized) is beneficial on both personal and social levels, regardless of whether we have experienced trauma firsthand. Understanding, patience and compassion go a long way in being supportive of possibly yourself and/or others in your life who are suffering.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, Twitter

Support system rooted in experience, knowledge and compassion

August 26, 2020 / / 0 Comments

As a survivor of many things, including narcissistic abuse, C-PTSD and anxiety, to name just a few, I have chosen to dedicate my journey to supporting others who are going through similar experiences.  My belief is that someone who has “been there and done that” through times of adversity, gains wisdom and tools to help themselves, together with the opportunity to share that knowledge in an effort to help others who could use a support system.

When you work with me, my purpose is solely to support you in your healing and recovery journey.  Beyond my personal experiences, I have studied various areas of life coaching, psychology (with a focus on narcissism and narcissistic abuse recovery), health and wellness, women’s health, music therapy, Reiki and other relevant topics.

Narcissistic abuse recovery support is my primary focus.  I am not a mental health professional and, as such, do not offer those services; however, my support work with clients can be viewed as a complementary facet, in conjunction with treatment by mental health professionals, of their recovery or a stand-alone system where no mental health issues are to be treated.

NCC Rainbow photo

If you are working your way through challenging times and could use the support of someone who knows on a personal level what you are experiencing and can help to ease the stress and complexity of everything in your healing journey, consider touching base for further information.  My standard rate is $25/hr (Cdn).  Lower rates available on a case-by-case basis.

Until next time,

Heather   ~Natural Clarity Coaching~    na********************@***il.com  www.naturalclaritycoaching.com  Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter

 

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Fees in CDN $

**Disclaimer: Not intended as a replacement for mental health services.**

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