As children in dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists in the mix, emotional loneliness can be a strong factor in our lives. We may feel very alone and abandoned, and, in many cases, this creates feelings of something being ‘wrong’ with us. In turn, we may use unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with all of it.
This emotional loneliness comes from being in an abnormal environment where sympathetic interest in us is lacking. We may be told we’re too sensitive or too emotional. Or the unspoken (or sometimes spoken) message might be that we don’t matter enough to our family for them to even take the time or make the effort to hear us or provide any support or comfort. We’re usually conditioned to believe that the only voices that matter come from our caregivers and that they’re the only ones who are permitted to have and express all manner of emotions. It’s a lonely and emotionally cut-off place to be, without a doubt. This is abuse and it creates interpersonal trauma.
But does feeling this way mean there’s something wrong with us? No. Not in any way, shape, or form. The way we feel is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal environment. In most cases, our caregivers simply weren’t emotionally mature enough themselves, for whatever reason, to offer emotional support to anyone else. We feel the effects of that void in the form of emotional loneliness. It’s like being completely alone on an island. As humans, it’s absolutely normal to feel this way in response to a lack of healthy contact and support from our caregivers. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with us. The root of these feelings is people who aren’t there for us the way they should be. And we’re having normal human reactions to being starved of those connections and experiences.
So, how do we overcome emotional loneliness? First of all, be aware that it won’t happen overnight, but it’s worth taking the time to heal. We need to begin by repairing our conditioned reality. Dysfunctional families are not there for one another in healthy and supportive ways. If we’re looking at narcissistic parenting, for example, narcissists, with their fragile and needy egos, have zero ability or desire to attend to anyone but themselves, and they expect everyone around them to make them the center of the universe as well. Once we see that, things begin to make sense. “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with me! I was reacting normally to an abnormal environment.” Then we need to move on to the next step, which is to learn to love ourselves. It sounds cliched, for sure. But it helps us to heal. This can look like building compassion for and trust in ourselves, giving ourselves the unconditional love that we deserved but rarely or never received as children, comforting and hearing our inner child, learning to silence our internal critic and the guilt and shame that has been unjustly forced on us, and exercising regular self-care. We need to develop healthy, non-toxic relationships with self and with supportive others in order to heal ourselves.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
