Hi All,
I thought it might be beneficial to write a post about attachment within dysfunctional families, particularly with narcissists.
Attachment theory is based in psychology and looks at the relationship between a primary caregiver and their baby. There are different stages of attachment, moving from birth to around two years of age. Although there are four defined styles of attachment, both avoidant and dismissive attachment are the most common for children of narcissists. These are insecure attachments, as compared to secure attachment with caregivers on which a child can depend.
Avoidant attachment involves a style of the child showing absolutely no preference for their caregiver or a complete stranger. Often, this is created by caregivers who are neglectful and/or abusive.
Disorganized attachment looks like a mixture of behaviour, seeming at times confused or disoriented. Due to caregivers who have made a child fearful of them, this style can result in the desire to defend oneself while still wanting to reach out to and form attachments with others.
Beyond the age of two, avoidant attachment often includes avoidance of seeking help from others because the individual needed to learn to be independent when their caregiver was never there for them. Disorganized attachment individuals may display disassociation and/or symptoms of PTSD.
As adults, these attachment patterns, which formed at a young age, stay with us. This often results in the recreation of these attachment/relationship styles throughout our lives, particularly in romantic interactions. They shape how we see ourselves and others.
With insecure attachments, we may have more stress hormones, negative self-perception, and difficulties with emotions, cognition, and behaviour. Anxiety, depression, and PTSD are also common outcomes.
So, where does this leave us? When we become aware of these attachment styles and how they can impact us on many levels, we can learn to get out in front of them. We can change our perspectives and perceptions. We have the power and the tools to overcome these patterns. Two of the main things we need are awareness and a desire to improve our situation. Stop and think when an automatic response to a situation arises within: why is it that I’m feeling this way? Is it a lifetime habit based in my childhood? Is there another, more positive and healthy reaction that could be chosen? What are the actual feelings at play here, rather than habitual reactions?
There is hope. It can and does get better. Here’s a link to a book on the subject: https://amzn.to/3JcVfid.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter