So continuing on from Part 1 of this topic of the tactics used by narcissists in order to control and/or silence others, here are some further items:
Nitpicking and Constantly Changing the Rules – Narcissists are renowned for nitpicking their targets. They will complain about anything and everything about you and your behaviour, right down to the smallest of details. It’s a constant barrage of judgments and criticisms. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It feels like a perpetual storm cloud over your head. In terms of constantly changing the rules, no matter how much proof is provided or action is taken on your part to meet whatever expectations the narcissistic individual has created, they will continue to demand more proof and also set up new expectations (moving the goalposts). There’s definitely no winning in this situation. How to stay strong: Ensure that you validate and approve of yourself despite what you’re hearing from the narcissist. Try to spend time with people who are positive and kind.
Avoiding Accountability by Changing the Subject – Narcissists are professionals at making subject changes in order to avoid accepting accountability for their actions and behaviour. Typically these subject changes involve making you and all of your alleged flaws the topic of the conversation instead. Accountability for a narcissist equates to damaging their ego and they will do pretty much anything to avoid that scenario. How to stay strong: If you feel that you need to have this discussion, one technique is to continue to redirect the narcissist to the facts at hand. If it isn’t worth it to continue trying to make them accountable, simply disengage.
Name-Calling, Sarcasm, Condescension, Shaming, Insults Disguised as Jokes, and Covert and Overt Threats – When a narcissistic person is not getting their way in the form of controlling and/or silencing you, they will quite often resort to name-calling. The tactic here involves intimidating and belittling you into submission as well as breaking down your confidence and willingness to stand up for yourself. Narcissists will also say something offensive and insulting and then, if you call them out on it, they will claim they were ‘only joking’ and that you need to not be so sensitive and learn to recognize a joke. These dysfunctional people will also use sarcasm, condescension and shaming in very passive-aggressive ways in order to get their message across without being direct about it (which leaves their targets wondering if they truly are ‘taking things the wrong way’). In terms of threats, both covert and overt, these can arise out of a difference of opinion or as a result of your implementation or continued enforcement of boundaries. Again, this is meant to intimidate you into silence and/or compliance with the narcissist’s many rules. How to stay strong: The best response to name-calling, insults veiled as jokes, etc., and/or threats is to put a quick end to the interaction and make it clear that you won’t tolerate intimidation, bullying and disrespect. Then try to ensure that you don’t internalize any of the nonsense that was spewed at you. It’s all fiction and absolutely without substance or truth. None of it is about you; it’s all about the disordered individual and their many issues.
Baiting You and Then Feigning Innocence – A regular ploy used by most narcissists is to bait you (they love starting drama and get bored without it!) and then feign innocence. This involves doing or saying something that they know will hurt or upset you and then when you react, they behave as though they don’t know what you’re going on about plus you’ve victimized them in the bargain. “I didn’t mean anything by that. What are you talking about? How could you even think that of me? You’re such a mean person”. And just like that, they’ve upset/hurt you, made it seem like your over-sensitivity and paranoia caused you to get upset over nothing, and then you allegedly went on to victimize them when they did absolutely nothing to attract your wrath. Tripple-whammy! How to stay strong: One of the tricks to coping with this tactic is to not allow yourself to be baited in the first place. Once you become accustomed to what baiting involves (once you see the specific pattern and cues, you will know what to look for every time), you can refuse to enter the arena before the game even gets started. Shut it down and move on with your day.
There are a few other tactics used by narcissists to control and/or silence their targets but the above are the main ones. Narcissists need to control the people around them in order to maintain their ego-protecting bubble and never have to face accountability for their toddler-like and negative behaviour. If they can’t control someone in their environment, then their next step is to attempt to silence them. As I mentioned in Part 1, the best thing we can do is to educate ourselves on these tactics, learn to recognize them no matter what attempts are made to disguise them, take steps to remove or protect ourselves from these strategies (picturing yourself covered in bubble wrap that keeps the narcissist’s negativity from accessing you is a great use of imagery for strength and protection), and then ensure that we don’t allow any of it to damage our self-esteem or personal peace. If we keep in mind that the behaviours of narcissists have nothing to do with anyone but them and we learn not to personalize it, it can make a major difference in our lives and wellbeing. Knowledge is power and this is particularly true in these situations. And be aware that low contact or no contact with toxic people are always options at any point in time for any type of relationship. Stay strong!
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter
