One of the things that I found most challenging in my own healing journey was the feeling of having lost time and positive life experiences as the result of narcissistic abuse. And this can be the case for anyone when having dealt with or currently dealing with any type of toxic individual. What do I mean by that? As children and young adults being raised in a dysfunctional family, it’s common to lose our sense of identity (if we were even able to form or express one in this environment) and to miss out on common life experiences. We may not have been permitted to socialize (in order to isolate us, or because we’re pressured for high performance in academics and other pursuits, etc.), which then impacts on belonging within social circles. This can result in exclusion and loneliness, or even being bullied. We may be pressured to look and act a certain way that doesn’t represent who we truly are, or made to behave and dress in provocative ways (or the exact opposite). This impacts on our future relationships and self-image, and it may even create lifelong issues surrounding intimacy. These are just a couple of examples.
So, in addition to being abused and all of the issues it creates for us, we may be left feeling that we lost time and positive life experiences, and that we were cheated out of all or parts of our childhood or teenage years. Maybe we didn’t appreciate our youth because, due to family dysfunction, we were not given the opportunity to do so, or we were made to feel like we didn’t have the option to enjoy it because we needed to spend time being high achievers in absolutely everything, or that we were selfish if we enjoyed just being a kid or a teen, or we didn’t think highly of our appearance, intelligence, personality, and so on because we were criticized and put down. All of these components may even have been the cause of lost opportunities in our futures, many that we are unaware of until further into adulthood.
As adults, this can all be difficult to accept. I mean, we have had our childhoods damaged or completely stolen from us. We missed out on experiences because of other people’s dysfunction and brokenness. And we have every right to be angry, hurt, resentful, sad … It’s absolutely okay to visit those feelings, but it’s not healthy for us to take up residence there. Not only is it important to press forward and enjoy our lives in the now, but it’s crucial that we don’t lose more precious time. When we get stuck in the negative feelings, we lose more time to situations that were beyond our control and are now firmly in the past. We were unknowingly caught up in other people’s issues.
We need to be patient and kind with ourselves and our inner child. This wasn’t our fault. We didn’t ask for any of it. But we do need to hold ourselves accountable for how we’ll work on healing ourselves and moving forward. There’s a great deal of satisfaction and fulfillment to be derived from having a growth mindset and reaching for what we want our lives to look like. And although it can’t bring back lost time, missed experiences or opportunities, it can help us to enjoy and make the most of our reclaimed lives and identities. Look forward, not back.
Until next time,
Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter
