Tag: adult children of narcissists (Page 8 of 13)

Engage in ‘Flow’ for Self-Care

August 10, 2023 / / 0 Comments

From the field of what is known as positive psychology, the theory of ‘flow’ was created in the 1970s after studies were conducted on participants who were doing things for pleasure, without any form of monetary reward or fame. This research project was led by psychologist Mihály Csíkszentmihályi. 

So, what exactly is ‘flow’, you might wonder? A great definition of it is that it is a state of mind in which an individual becomes fully immersed in an activity. It’s one of those times when someone becomes completely absorbed in an experience. It is energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment of the process of the activity or experience. Time flies by and a person has the feeling of being in ‘the zone’.  Which means that everyone will have different activities in which they experience ‘flow’. It could be within the arts or sciences, athletics, personal hobbies, time in nature, and so on. Virtually anything that someone derives pleasure from and loses themselves in. For some, it may feel like only moments have passed while it has, in fact, been hours.

And ‘flow’ can be particularly useful as a form of self-help for anyone who is dealing with toxic people and/or challenging situations. It isn’t always possible to access professional help when we feel we need it, so it’s beneficial to have resources in our personal toolbox. And the more we put these into practice, the easier it is to implement self-help methods at any time. Being in a ‘flow’ state can mentally take us away from difficult circumstances and provide a temporary reprieve. Even just a few moments of listening to a favourite musical artist or taking a walk in nature, for instance, can provide someone who loves those things with much-needed self-care and empowerment.

When we’re in difficult circumstances, particularly with narcissists and other disordered people, it can be easy to forget to take care of ourselves and to do things we love. But it is especially important for us to eke out time for these activities when we are in need of inner strength and rejuvenation.  It often doesn’t take much immersion into our chosen activity to see significant benefits.

When life gets tough … when difficult and/or toxic people are at their worst … whatever the situation may be, it’s time to dig deep into self-help. And if professional resources are needed, always remember to reach out to those individuals. But in the meantime, find those experiences and activities that are meaningful.  A state of ‘flow’ is always waiting there, ready to provide a reprieve and positive energy. Go with your ‘flow’.

*Copy-and-paste link to books on the subject of the state of ‘flow’:  https://amzn.to/3s9kvkM

Until next time,

~Heather~ Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

How to Say Goodbye to Limiting Beliefs

July 29, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Limiting beliefs are a state of mind or beliefs about yourself or the world that are restricting. These beliefs can run the gamut from “I don’t have enough time” to “I’m not good enough – smart enough – attractive enough” and so on. And, yes, we place these limits on ourselves and our environment. Sometimes they arise from a single negative experience. Other times, though, they are the result of growing up in a toxic family. Scapegoats/black sheep of narcissist parents, for instance, are regularly criticized, critiqued, berated, judged, and punished for the smallest of things. This gives the distinct message from one’s own family that a person is unworthy and unlovable. Under these conditions, it’s not difficult to fall into the belief that we’re defective and lacking.  And this can impact our entire life if we don’t intervene on our own behalf.

So, how do we go about dealing with limiting beliefs?

First of all, we need to recognize them. Like, “why am I afraid to try this? There’s something holding me back!”

Next, we need to recognize that what we have is simply a belief. It isn’t a fact. It isn’t truth. It’s just a belief we are holding about ourselves or the world around us.

Knowing that these are just beliefs, we can begin to challenge them.

The next step is to challenge our belief. Rather than accepting our negative, belief-based thoughts about, say, what we’re capable of academically, we should ask ourselves why we feel that way. If our answer to the self-posed question is that we aren’t intelligent enough to be successful in academics, then our next question to ourselves should be, “why not?”. Chances are, we might not have a justifiable response.

It is incredibly important to then recognize the potentially damaging consequences of continuing to hold limiting beliefs about ourselves and our world. Missed opportunities, self-esteem issues, lack of success, and so on.

Then, adopting new and positive beliefs is imperative. For example, if we’ve been holding the belief that we’re “not smart enough”, we can replace it with “I am capable of whatever I put my mind to”. Or if it’s “I’m not good enough”, then it needs to be something more like, “I am enough”.

Lastly, we need to put new beliefs into practice. It can be challenging to step out of a comfort zone, no matter how dysfunctional it is or that it didn’t serve us well. But it is entirely possible to overhaul our belief systems and then act in accordance with them.

As an example, many people who were raised in a narcissistic environment (narcissist, enabling parent, golden child) are likely to have limiting beliefs about many parts of themselves. A common occurrence with scapegoats is being told that they’re “average” or even “stupid”.  That can translate to difficulties in school because scapegoats will often adopt that belief about themselves (remember, as children, we trust our parents and accept what they say as truth) and it, in turn, limits them academically. From childhood, that typically carries on through adolescence and into adulthood, sometimes having negative impacts on post-secondary education and career options, for instance. But if we learn to challenge our beliefs regularly, and to implement beneficial beliefs after weeding out the limiting ones, we will begin to approach our self-image and self-beliefs, as well as our beliefs about the world, in ways that help us to stop cheating ourselves out of opportunities. Instead, we will learn to approach our lives with confidence and healthy self-esteem.

One word of warning is that, although anyone can have limiting beliefs that should be changed, scapegoats in particular need to have an awareness that anger may rise up when we’re working through the process. Why? Because it’s difficult to recognize that we adopted our beliefs about ourselves and the world from people we trusted because we were too young to question it. And then those beliefs have been carried through our lives to whatever point we’re currently at. And we may, in retrospect, see lost opportunities, self-sabotaging or destructive behaviours that have taken place. It can bring up a lot of emotions that we need to be prepared for.

In the end, what we need to remind ourselves is that we weren’t foolish to listen to our disordered or emotionally immature parents and then accept what they told us about ourselves and the world as truth. We were children. And children trust their role models. But when we become ‘awakened’ and see things as they are, it’s our opportunity to take our futures in hand and live our lives in healthy, functional ways. Holding beneficial beliefs is empowering and it frees us to thrive as we were meant to. We’ll likely discover amazing things about ourselves along the way. Resentment and anger will only hold us back if we don’t let it go. That in itself is limiting. Step into this new awareness with a growth mindset, inner strength, and the knowledge that the future is ours and it’s limitless.

Until next time,

~Heather Natural Clarity Coaching naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, and LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

 

Toxic Family System – Basics Refresher

July 25, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hey there! So I thought it might be beneficial to go over dysfunctional and toxic family systems, such as is found with narcissists. This is a topic I’ve written about in the past, but I’m aware that there are always people coming to the blog who are in the beginning stages of trying to understand their situation.

Typically, there will be one narcissist at the helm of a family. Occasionally there will be two, but that’s a rarity. Why? Because narcissists generally gravitate towards partners who will make them the center of attention, and two narcissists couldn’t realistically supply each other with all of that ego-stroking. They want their ego stroked, and they aren’t interested in authentically doing that for anyone else. So partners of narcissists tend to be what is described as enablers. These individuals don’t take a stand for themselves or any children they may have with the narcissist. And they spend the majority of their time attempting to keep the peace and ensure that the narcissist is happy — at any cost. Enabling behaviour may also involve spending as little time at home as possible, leaving children entirely alone with the narcissist parent.

Next, in any narcissistic family there needs to be a scapegoat or black sheep amongst their children. In some cases, there’s more than one scapegoat. Scapegoats are chosen by the narcissist at birth or a young age (for any number of ridiculous reasons from gender to intelligence, physical traits, personality, and so on) and, at the urging of the narcissist parent, are blamed for everything by everyone in the family, including by their golden child sibling(s). There are many stories of scapegoats being told they have been the problem in their family since they were born! I know…it makes absolutely no sense, but that’s the way this dysfunctional system operates.

Golden child was made mention of in the previous paragraph. This child is also chosen by the narcissist, but for entirely different reasons than the scapegoat (yet it’s typically as senseless as the reasons behind the narcissist’s choice of a scapegoat). This golden child can do no wrong, ever. They are viewed as perfection itself by the narcissistic parent. The perfect baby, the smartest and funniest child, the most attractive teenager — you get the picture. And this adoration continues into adulthood for the golden child, while the scapegoat is unable to cast off their negative label no matter what they’ve accomplished in life.

The narcissistic family system requires everyone to play their assigned roles. The narcissist has all of the power and control over the family. The enabling parent needs to supply the narcissist with ongoing support, ego-stroking, and undying love. These enabling parents will throw their scapegoat child(ren) to the wolves time and again if it means keeping the peace between themselves and their narcissist partner. And this is because not only have they been told over and over again how ‘fill-in-the-blank-with-a-negative-word’ the scapegoat is, to the point that it’s simply accepted as fact, but if they don’t go along with the narcissist, their life is made miserable by narcissistic abuse. It is rare for an enabling parent to defend a scapegoat child for those very reasons. The golden child receives never-ending praise and is a source of great pride for the narcissist parent. And the scapegoat is the one who can never do anything right and is constantly having fingers pointed at them as the cause of all issues within the family (even though they probably haven’t done anything, or anything worth such berating).

From within this system, it’s easy for scapegoats to find themselves in other abusive relationships as they get older. When you’re told you’re always in the wrong and to blame for everyone’s problems, it’s easy to feel like that’s ‘normal’. It can be said that scapegoats often gravitate towards toxic people, and the reverse is also true. Toxic people need others to abuse and control, while scapegoats have been conditioned to follow orders and accept whatever is dished out to them. It’s an unfortunate but ideal pairing.

But once we see it — the abusive behaviour, controlling, gaslighting, unfairness —  it’s difficult to un-see it. And although it’s common to feel stuck, there are ways out of this role and, if we choose, out of these relationships. Boundaries, low contact, no contact, etc. To start, though, we can begin to heal by empowering ourselves and recognizing our value. There are posts about all of this within the Natural Clarity Coaching blog pages, and there will be more to come. Because it’s all about empowerment and healing. Feel free to drop in and read posts at any time. They were written to empower, support, and give hope.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn

*Let’s all take care of this planet of ours *

When Special Occasions Are Challenging

June 15, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hi all,

I’ve been busy working on various projects and realized it had been a bit since I wrote a post.

So, for those of us who are estranged from or not looking forward to spending time with a dysfunctional family or certain members, special occasions come with mixed and challenging feelings. We may even dread them. If no-contact has been the choice, then, for the people who are not part of our life, there won’t be any celebrations of mother’s or father’s day, to name a couple that take place this time of year. On the other hand, if low-contact or interactions with strong boundaries are the current way of things, then dealing with these occasions will likely be happening.

Regardless of a person’s current situation with family – beyond dysfunction, some people’s parents have passed or they’ve lost children, for example – occasions like mother’s and father’s days can be difficult.

What are some ways of getting through, whether it’s full no-contact or a tense family gathering?

  1. Prepare for it mentally. Get plenty of sleep beforehand, hydrate, be realistic about what you might encounter and how you will deal with it (ie. deep breathing, keeping conversation and emotion to a minimum, leaving if necessary, finding other things to do alone or with other family or friends, etc.).
  2. Know your boundaries and hold to them. Toxic people love to push boundaries and it helps to be prepared for that eventuality, whether it’s happening in real time or there’s fall-out after the fact. Enabling parents and flying monkeys come out of the woodwork more often around special occasions, too. The simple fact of the matter is that each of us has the right to decide who can be in our life, and if someone is toxic and unhealthy for us, then we have the choice to disallow their access to us. If they don’t like it and if they send their lackeys to do their bidding, so be it. We can still hold strong. If it’s protection of ourselves and/or our children or other loved ones, that’s what we need to focus on rather than all of the noise and smear campaigns that come from toxic people and their army of yes-people when they don’t get their way.
  3. Don’t stick around or allow guests to stay in your home if there is a need to bring festivities to an end. Respect your needs and expect respect from others, particularly if they’re in your home.
  4. Remember to celebrate yourself if you’re a parent or for other celebratory events! These occasions aren’t only about other people; they apply to you, too. Growing up in a dysfunctional family may have created the impression that only certain people matter enough to be celebrated; bury that inaccurate narrative in a deep hole, fill it in, and then add some cement over the top!
  5. Go for a walk or have a relaxing bath after all is said and done – whatever works for you. Self-care can work wonders, and it doesn’t take much to have a big effect.
  6. If unpleasant words were spoken to you by or on behalf of a toxic person, try not to ruminate over them. Consider the source, allow yourself to see the dynamics behind the words, and then let them go and don’t give them any further energy.

Remember that if you were once a scapegoat/black sheep for your family of origin and you have stepped out of the role, remaining family members will typically want to pull you back in so that the status quo can be continued. Their dynamics will be off and they want to right them again. Special occasions are always a great opportunity for them to put things into action. That doesn’t mean that the once-scapegoat needs to sacrifice themselves for the sake of the greater good. Not at all. Scapegoats have the right to take their lives back, find peace, and keep it that way. Going back to dysfunctional situations for the sake of making other people happy (and, honestly, they aren’t “happy”) isn’t fair or healthy. If the situation had been good, we never would have left. Always keep that in mind. And, sadly, most toxic people and their enablers and golden children don’t change for the better. Going back into the fold won’t change anything. All it does is undo personal progress and cause stress and emotional struggles. It’s always best not to allow special occasions to pull us back in to a space that we thought long and hard about leaving in the first place.

No matter what this coming weekend looks like for you, know that you’re not alone and you’re stronger than you know.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

How not to live our lives based on toxic people’s words about us

April 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

When we grow up in a toxic family system, which leaves us open and vulnerable to other toxic people as we move along our life’s path, we will inevitably be the target of unjustifiably critical and judgment-filled words. It may be about our appearance, intelligence, personality, social skills, athleticism, talents, and other areas of who we are. It could be as simple as ongoing criticisms or being made fun of for the sound of our voice, our freckles, our hair, or our choice of clothing. Or it might be overarching and all-encompassing negativity about who we are as a person. In short, our self-image is severely damaged.

And without a doubt, these things – sadly – often stick with us. Maybe we aren’t really aware of them.  In fact, most of the time, we aren’t aware of them until/unless some significant event opens our eyes. They accumulate with ongoing abuse and slide down into our subconscious, adding to this toxic ball of judgments that sits deep inside of us. Many of us simply see the way we’re treated as “normal”, as “love”, and that we’re deserving of these chronically harsh words. And then our lives become seriously impacted by those negative words. Sometimes they only rise up at times, with or without our awareness. Other times, they negatively influence an abundance of our thoughts about ourselves on a daily basis. We may begin to dislike the sound of our voice, the look of our freckles or hair, or the clothes we love, because we received so much unsolicited judgment about them over time. Or we might feel like we’re just an overall crap person because those were the messages we received – and may still be receiving – about ourselves. We may not be aware of where these thoughts come from – maybe (hopefully) some day we will – but it’s possible for them to just become our own unquestioned beliefs and thinking patterns about ourselves.  And we will go out into the world from this space of low self-esteem and general dislike of ourselves. We may approach everyone around us as though we’re “less than”, we’re weak, we’re not intelligent, we’re unattractive, we’re talentless and unskilled, we’re deserving of abusive behaviour, and so on. These themes are typically fed to us by people we trust and believe to be acting in our best interests, so why wouldn’t we just accept and internalize them? In reality, though, we are quite likely all the things we think we’re not, and yet we won’t see it or feel it. We won’t enjoy being who we are because someone else has sucked the joy out of it.

The bottom line here is that we aren’t who other people tell us we are. And that particularly applies to toxic people with fragile egos and unpleasant agendas towards others. Even if it’s family members who are the perpetrators – and, honestly, especially when it’s family members – it doesn’t make what they say about us the truth or valid in any way. In fact, the only truth or validity about ourselves needs to come from us. We need to look in the mirror and love and accept the person who is looking back. And we need to love that person inside and out. We need to believe in ourselves and, as the saying goes, to be our own biggest fan. In the end, what matters is that we live our best life and love the person that we are. What other people think is irrelevant. Everyone – absolutely everyone – has their own biases and opinions. No two people will ever see another person in the same way. The only person we need to impress is ourselves. That’s it. From that perspective comes confidence and self-acceptance. And then peace and happiness. No one can give that to us, we need to give it to ourselves.

If we’ve been through years, or decades, of narcissistic or other toxic-person abuse and we have an awareness of the judgments we’re making about ourselves based on other people’s words, we need to build a habit of calling those out. “Okay, I just allowed someone to disrespect me because I felt that I was less than them and deserved their abusive behaviour towards me. Why? Is it because my mother, for example, always claimed superiority over me and made me feel that I didn’t measure up and therefore was required to accept unkind words and actions?” Call it out. Ask the tough questions, like, why did I just react that way? Or why do I feel so small compared to [fill in the blank]? Whatever it may be, put it under a spotlight, brainstorm about what may have been said in the past and how that might still be having an impact, and then hold that awareness so that these reactions can be stopped in their tracks the next time they rear their ugly head. Eventually, we can win out over these knee-jerk reactions based in the untrue beliefs we may hold about ourselves. We are all capable of seeing ourselves as we are. What we may have been taught about ourselves by people with less than stellar intentions are not of use to us. And if they’ve snuck their way into our subconscious, it’s time to weed them out for good. It may take some time but it’s well worth the effort.

Keep coming back here for more on how to work through negative internalized messages and improve self-esteem and confidence.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

Trust

March 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

A warm welcome to the new visitors to the site!  I love Google Analytics for providing insight into website activities.

So, one topic that presents challenges for scapegoats is trust. When we’re treated as a scapegoat and/or abused by narcissists, whether it’s in a family or other relationship, it damages our ability to trust others. Here we are being treated unfairly by someone who’s supposed to love and care about us, but they use us as a patsy for their own behaviour. And they criticize, berate, and lie about us all for their own interests. Sometimes physical or other abuse is involved. There’s no loyalty coming from them to us. None. If it’s a parent, we may believe that their actions toward us are somehow justified. I mean, this is our parent.  A supposed role model. Someone we should be able to trust and lean on. Someone who demands to be seen as wise and all-knowing. And yet the person they portray us to be is not anything like who we feel we are. That creates a great deal of dissonance. Then, because we’ve been taught to respect this person and “do as we’re told”, we feel guilty for even questioning them in our minds. And they will be quite willing to pile more guilt on just to keep us held down. Their behaviour towards us  – control, manipulation, gaslighting, projecting, etc. – is all meant to keep us in line and under their thumb.  They may try to mask it as concern, love, discipline, or whatever else, but it’s all about keeping us firmly entrenched in our scapegoat role.

If we go on to other relationships with narcissists (which is quite common because it’s familiar), this cycle will continue. Abuse, blame, guilt. At some point, it’s only human to want to stop trusting people, unless we’re fortunate enough to have people in our lives who happen to be the real deal and wouldn’t hurt us for all the money in the world.  There’s only so much our psyches can take before we need to protect ourselves.  That’s perfectly normal. Upsetting, but normal.

How do we learn to trust people? One big piece of advice is to take your time when we’re getting to know new people. And when it comes to people who have proved to us over and over that they can’t be trusted, but they’re suddenly saying they’ve ‘changed’, we need to keep their past behaviour in mind before we let down our guard.  There truly are good people out there in the world. We just need to listen to our intuition and past experience. We need to trust ourselves and our ability to make good judgments. And if red flags turn up along the way, we have every right to remove ourselves from whatever the situation may be. Don’t worry about hurt feelings or someone getting peeved.  We need to take care of ourselves, and that includes protection from people who we feel may hurt us.

In childhood, we don’t often have protection from a narcissistic parent. Family members and other relatives tend to go along with the narrative. But we may luck out and have at least one family member who’s in our corner for support, even if they do so out of sight of the narcissist. If not, we may have friends we can turn to for support. In other relationships, we may believe that the ‘love’ we were given by a narcissist is what love should look like.  As a result, we may inadvertently end up with more narcissists. And that’s okay. We all learn as we go. Once we recognize toxic people, abuse, cycles, patterns, scapegoating, and so on, we can forgive ourselves for not recognizing it because it was all we knew and what we thought was ‘normal’. And then we can do our best to keep ourselves safe from that point forward. We may at some point be tricked by another toxic person, even when we thought we had a handle on knowing what to look for. That’s okay. We forgive ourselves again and we move on. We save our trust for people who deserve it.

Yes, being a scapegoat is a difficult experience.  Look at it this way, though – imagine being a narcissist or other toxic, miserable type of person. Having to control and manipulate others just to feel some sense of security. Protecting a fragile ego at all costs. Hurting people over and over again. No, thanks! Even though they hurt us, at least we can learn, grow, and become stronger, kinder people.  They also provide us with a spectacular model of who we don’t ever want to be. They’re absolutely stuck where they are. Very few toxic people ever change. We have so many opportunities for changing and adapting. That’s such a gift.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

Self-Care and Fitness Trackers

March 18, 2023 / / 0 Comments

When it comes to self-care, exercise, nutrition, sleep, and stress management are major components.  Self-care can sometimes be challenging to quantify and keep track of, though.  I’ve found over the years that fitness trackers are great tools for ensuring that my self-care efforts are at the level I want them to be.  For instance, my current tracker keeps a record of steps taken.  Heart rate is also tracked, which then gives me a good idea of my resting heart rate as well as the zones entered for fat burning, etc. during exercise. It also gives me a really good reference for my sleep habits, from duration and time spent in different phases (light, deep, REM, awake), to snoring (lol), restlessness, and other things.  There is a Menstrual Health Tracker as well.  Food and water intake can be logged into a related subscription app, allowing me to tweak calorie consumption and hydration levels as needed.  Additionally, the tracker provides access to what’s going on with my heart rate during periods of stress, which can prompt me to employ relaxation techniques like deep breathing. It’s really quite amazing to watch my heart rate drop when I take deep breaths and consciously attempt to relax my body.  It’s great evidence that these techniques really work!  Plus, the app I use keeps a record of the tracked information so that I can view long-term trends. On the tech side, it has GPS and an ECG app, text/call/app notifications, Alexa and Google Assistant, to name a few.  There’s so many great things to say about these gadgets.

If you’re in the market for a fitness tracker to accompany you on your self-care journey, I can recommend the Fitbit Sense because it’s the model I’ve had for about 1.5 years.  It’s a great-quality product, and the Fitbit app is simple to access and use (free for six months with purchase of new Fitbit, then around $12-13 CDN per month).  Also, I haven’t noticed any decline in the ability of the battery to hold a charge.  And for anyone who’s interested, you can purchase a variety of bands and screen covers for it in different colours, materials, and styles.  Fitness trackers can be as stylish as you want them to be.

In my experience, having a fitness tracker really opened my eyes to so many positives (and negatives that needed improvement) with regard to my self-care.  I can’t imagine not having one.  You can view them here: https://amzn.to/3yKFZEB (copy and paste link into browser to access details).

If a fitness tracker isn’t of interest to you, consider using online trackers or good, old-fashioned pen and paper to keep track of managing your self-care.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

 

 

 

Scapegoats/Black Sheep are often Truth-Tellers

March 16, 2023 / / 0 Comments

In many cases within a dysfunctional family system, the individual who is silently labelled as the scapegoat or black sheep will be a truth-teller.  By this, I mean someone who tells their truth at any cost, even when it comes to the dysfunctions of their family of origin or a close relationship with a partner or friend.

Given that narcissists, for example, create their own self-serving realities and expect everyone to accept them without question, a truth-teller is an aggravation to them.  This may be one of the reasons why the scapegoat or black sheep was targeted in the first place.  Who better to hold accountable for all the family’s or relationship’s problems than someone who has the power to blow the whistle on the entire system?  So the scapegoat is perpetually discredited and made to look like a liar, or even “crazy”, in order to protect the narcissist’s (or other toxic person’s) carefully crafted persona and to carry on the family or relationship roles and systems.

I say, embrace truth-telling.  There will always be people who dislike the truth because it doesn’t fit their narrative.  So be it.  It isn’t the end of the world.  Over time, many of us who are scapegoated, black sheep, truth-tellers eventually separate ourselves from our toxic family of origin (or other relationships in our lives) because we realize that no matter what we say or do to simply be ourselves or defend ourselves, those dynamics will continue.  As long as we continue to speak our truth, we will be targeted, blamed, and have smear campaigns launched against us by some people.

In the end, we need to be true to ourselves.  And that includes being truth-tellers and often means going no contact or low contact with certain people.  Is that challenging?  It definitely can be.  Is it impossible?  Nope.  And, in my experience, it will bring more peace and calm into daily life than was ever experienced in the past.   That’s worth its weight in gold.

Don’t be afraid to be a truth-teller.  And just know that if someone doesn’t like hearing your truth, especially about dysfunctional family or relationship systems, it’s probably because they feel threatened by it.  That’s their issue, not yours.  And don’t forget about self-care if you’re in the midst of challenges.  Here’s a great book that you might want to consider for ideas: https://amzn.to/3n2B92Y. (Just copy and paste the link into your browser and it will direct you to the book.)

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

Abuse, Stress, and the Toll on Our Bodies

March 1, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Childhood abuse and trauma, together with cumulative negative experiences with toxic people as our lives move forward, often results in an exaggerated physiological response to stressful situations.  Our emotional reactions register within our mind and body, and this can also lead to mental and/or physical illnesses.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, shows “how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust”.  This is a great book with beneficial insights into the workings of stress and trauma on our bodies and minds.  (Amazon Link to this book: https://amzn.to/3SHQIsE).

When we are aware of how abuse, stress, and trauma can affect our minds and bodies, we have the opportunity to minimize our exposure to these situations and/or learn how to successfully manage it in our lives.  There are many helpful activities that we can engage in, which I have discussed in previous posts, that include deep breathing, mindfulness, self-care, talking with a trusted individual, and so on.  We are empowered when we learn about the impacts of certain negative situations on our wellbeing, and then take steps to minimize those impacts.  Protecting ourselves from harm is imperative, and we have the right to take steps to keep ourselves safe.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

 

Separation and Divorce

February 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Both separation and divorce are difficult experiences.  This can be particularly true when dealing with a toxic person.  Narcissists are often the main cause of many relationship breakdowns, although you’d never hear them taking ownership of their part in it.  And they can make it more challenging when children are involved.

We may find ourselves questioning how we ended up with a narcissist or other toxic person in the first place.  In some cases, if we have toxic role models in our lives, they have likely taught us a very skewed version of love.  In actuality, it isn’t love, but as children, we have no way of knowing that.  If we call a spade a spade, it’s control, manipulation, and abuse masquerading as what we’re expected to accept as “love”.  For others, it may be that we grew up in a loving, functional, and healthy family but we meet a person who does a good job of pretending to be someone they’re not, until they get us where they want us.  That place may be marriage, shared debt, children, or a multitude of other things that bind us to them and make it harder for us to walk away.

Regardless of how we’ve ended up with toxic people, if we eventually find our way to the point of leaving, we can use all the support we can get.  Unfortunately, when our family of origin is dysfunctional, we’re unlikely to receive any authentic support from them.  In fact, they may even make the whole situation feel even worse.  For many, it’s also common to have feelings of embarrassment or shame coming into the picture, so they don’t want to turn to anyone, even healthy family and friends.

If you’re going through separation or divorce, or in the phases leading to it, reach out for support.  When you are fortunate to have loving people in your life, consider talking to them about your situation.  You might be surprised just how much it can help to have people behind you who understand what you’re going through.  And, honestly, there’s no shame or reason to be embarrassed about leaving an unhealthy relationship.  We all have our limits, and only we can decide when it’s time to close a chapter in our lives.  But we don’t need to be martyrs and hang on, especially if it’s to avoid judgment by others.  Let people judge.  That’s their problem, not ours.

And when we don’t have anyone we feel we can to turn to on a personal level, it may be time to seek out other resources.   This could be online or in-person support groups, counselling or coaching, or reading or watching videos about the various parts of relationship breakdown and how to cope.  As a side note, find legal resources to protect yourself on that front as well.  If you can’t afford a lawyer, search for resources that can be of assistance.  Find that light at the end of the tunnel.  Trust me, it’s there.

With coaching, there is someone available to hear you, to help guide you towards a new chapter with courage andempowerment, and to assist you in taking a deep dive into what you want your future to look like, no matter where you’re at in life.  Check in with this website often, as there will be new online programs being released in the upcoming months that you might find helpful.

Just know, it does get better.  We grow through what we go through.  Even though these situations can make us feel weak and lost, we typically come out of them feeling stronger and more focused.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

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