Tag: abandonment

Let it RAIN

March 30, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hello All,

Thanks for being here. 🙂

RAIN is an acronym for a healing, meditative system for mindfulness and compassion regarding behaviours and thoughts that might be rooted in fear or other feelings. It stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, Nurture. This is especially beneficial for those who are survivors of narcissistic abuse or other dysfunctional relationships because it is a gentle process that can be carried out alone and at any choice of pace.

The way it works is simple. We may at some point become aware, to whatever degree, of patterns of behaviour and thoughts that we are engaging in.  There could be a catalyst that brings us to this awareness. Maybe we just had a massive blow-up with our partner or a friend. Maybe we always feel like a failure despite clear evidence to the contrary. It could be anything, or nothing at all. We may have simply arrived at this point of awareness and we’re ready to look more deeply at it. From here, we begin to recognize what might be happening. We are acknowledging  that something is negatively affecting us. And we need to ask ourselves some questions from a non-judgmental state. Are we trying to control everything; to micromanage ourselves and others? Are we unintentionally harming ourselves or important relationships with others through challenging behaviours that also affect them? These are just a couple of questions we may ask ourselves but it will all depend on what we are doing and thinking, and in what context.  This doesn’t need to be a full-blown self-inquiry. It can look like quiet but intentional thoughts or even a whisper.

The next step is to allow ourselves this state of recognition, without trying to understand it or label it. Just sit peacefully with it, in the absence of judgement or blame.  This is somewhat of a purposeful pause in order to allow for deeper levels of attention.  Fear might be showing itself. Anxiety may be hovering. We can allow ourselves to quietly observe anything that arises and acknowledge its presence within ourselves or certain situations.

Next is the investigative phase. Here, we can move on to investigating more about why we might be engaging in certain behaviours that may be causing issues for us. This is an opportunity for us to listen to our body and what it might be feeling. As the saying goes, “the issues are in our tissues”. Our bodies hold a record of our thoughts and emotions, good and bad. For example, is there tightness or discomfort in certain areas? If so, what do you think might be behind this; fear, anxiety, anger, hurt? Then ask a few simple questions. What is it that we believe about ourselves or situations that results in patterns of certain thoughts and behaviours that are not beneficial? Do we do “fill in the blank” out of fear? Are we concerned about losing control and having our worst fears come to fruition? Do we have childhood trauma from toxic role models and so we unconsciously act on messages that were unjustifiably funnelled to us as children, such as inadequacy, that we’re unlovable, abandonment, rejection, fear, and so on? Do we project unresolved, fear-based feelings from past experiences and relationships onto current relationships, inadvertently causing conflict in the present?

Lastly, we move to the nurturing process of the RAIN system. Here is the space where we show ourselves compassion and love after recognizing that we are suffering in some way. We need to ask our inner selves what is needed. Is it reassurance? Is it forgiveness? Is it engaging more in connections with others?  Then we actively provide that care to ourselves. “You’re okay.” “This isn’t your fault”. “Trust yourself”. “It’s okay to reach out for connection”.

After the four RAIN steps have been completed, it’s important to simply feel our own presence and awareness. Hold onto that meditative state for as long as you need to. We don’t need to self-limit ourselves and our lives because of fear or other heavy feelings. We can seek them out within ourselves, sit with the new awareness, acknowledge our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours, and then nurture ourselves. In this process, we have the potential to move to new and improved spaces in our lives through self-acceptance, understanding, and compassion.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, TikTok, and Twitter

References
Brach, T. (2020, January 1). RAIN: A practice of radical compassion. Tara Brach. https://www.tarabrach.com/rain-practice-radical-compassion/

 

 

Abuse, Stress, and the Toll on Our Bodies

March 1, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Childhood abuse and trauma, together with cumulative negative experiences with toxic people as our lives move forward, often results in an exaggerated physiological response to stressful situations.  Our emotional reactions register within our mind and body, and this can also lead to mental and/or physical illnesses.

Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, shows “how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust”.  This is a great book with beneficial insights into the workings of stress and trauma on our bodies and minds.  (Amazon Link to this book: https://amzn.to/3SHQIsE).

When we are aware of how abuse, stress, and trauma can affect our minds and bodies, we have the opportunity to minimize our exposure to these situations and/or learn how to successfully manage it in our lives.  There are many helpful activities that we can engage in, which I have discussed in previous posts, that include deep breathing, mindfulness, self-care, talking with a trusted individual, and so on.  We are empowered when we learn about the impacts of certain negative situations on our wellbeing, and then take steps to minimize those impacts.  Protecting ourselves from harm is imperative, and we have the right to take steps to keep ourselves safe.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

 

Separation and Divorce

February 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Both separation and divorce are difficult experiences.  This can be particularly true when dealing with a toxic person.  Narcissists are often the main cause of many relationship breakdowns, although you’d never hear them taking ownership of their part in it.  And they can make it more challenging when children are involved.

We may find ourselves questioning how we ended up with a narcissist or other toxic person in the first place.  In some cases, if we have toxic role models in our lives, they have likely taught us a very skewed version of love.  In actuality, it isn’t love, but as children, we have no way of knowing that.  If we call a spade a spade, it’s control, manipulation, and abuse masquerading as what we’re expected to accept as “love”.  For others, it may be that we grew up in a loving, functional, and healthy family but we meet a person who does a good job of pretending to be someone they’re not, until they get us where they want us.  That place may be marriage, shared debt, children, or a multitude of other things that bind us to them and make it harder for us to walk away.

Regardless of how we’ve ended up with toxic people, if we eventually find our way to the point of leaving, we can use all the support we can get.  Unfortunately, when our family of origin is dysfunctional, we’re unlikely to receive any authentic support from them.  In fact, they may even make the whole situation feel even worse.  For many, it’s also common to have feelings of embarrassment or shame coming into the picture, so they don’t want to turn to anyone, even healthy family and friends.

If you’re going through separation or divorce, or in the phases leading to it, reach out for support.  When you are fortunate to have loving people in your life, consider talking to them about your situation.  You might be surprised just how much it can help to have people behind you who understand what you’re going through.  And, honestly, there’s no shame or reason to be embarrassed about leaving an unhealthy relationship.  We all have our limits, and only we can decide when it’s time to close a chapter in our lives.  But we don’t need to be martyrs and hang on, especially if it’s to avoid judgment by others.  Let people judge.  That’s their problem, not ours.

And when we don’t have anyone we feel we can to turn to on a personal level, it may be time to seek out other resources.   This could be online or in-person support groups, counselling or coaching, or reading or watching videos about the various parts of relationship breakdown and how to cope.  As a side note, find legal resources to protect yourself on that front as well.  If you can’t afford a lawyer, search for resources that can be of assistance.  Find that light at the end of the tunnel.  Trust me, it’s there.

With coaching, there is someone available to hear you, to help guide you towards a new chapter with courage andempowerment, and to assist you in taking a deep dive into what you want your future to look like, no matter where you’re at in life.  Check in with this website often, as there will be new online programs being released in the upcoming months that you might find helpful.

Just know, it does get better.  We grow through what we go through.  Even though these situations can make us feel weak and lost, we typically come out of them feeling stronger and more focused.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

New Online Program Being Created

February 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hi All,

Hope this finds you well.  Thanks to everyone who has recently joined the mailing list and to the increasing numbers of people who are touching down on the website.

Just letting you know that I’m working on a new program to be offered online.  I’ll post an announcement once it’s up and running.  I think it will be a beneficial program, and I’m looking forward to launching it in the next few months.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

The Two Sides of an Enabling Parent

January 21, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Hello, everyone!

I wanted to write a bit about enabling parents and the two sides that we might see with them.  There’s one side that they need to stay in character with when they are around their narcissistic partner, and there’s the other side that represents who they truly are.  By that, I mean the real person that this individual is when not being controlled and overseen by their toxic mate.

What many of us may see, while the narcissist is present, is a parent who behaves in meek, mild, passive, obedient, and often child-like ways, as well as seeming that they don’t have a mind of their own.  They also tend to go along with their partner, against us, often without so much as asking our perspective or possibly even considering that we have a different perspective.  We may hear things like “Don’t let me hear you talking to your mother/father like that” or “Don’t talk back” or “Do as you’re told”, even when we’re teenagers, or even adults.  Decisions are deferred to, and all attention is spotlighted on, the narcissist.  This typically means that any children in the vicinity are all but ignored, except to blame and criticize, as though their presence is significantly lesser in comparison to the person whose ego needs constant stroking.  I mean, it all makes sense, as sad as it is.  Narcissists use tactics like the silent treatment, guilting, or raging out on their partners when they don’t get the full attention they want/need for their fragile ego.  So the only way that enabling parents can keep some semblance of, albeit, weak peace in their lives is to make their narcissistic partner the center of the universe and fulfill their every selfish whim.

However, on those rare occasions when the non-toxic parent is away from the other parent (narcissists don’t like to let their enablers out of their sight), we may see full glimpses of their true selves.  In fact, they may seem like an entirely different person.  It can feel like a breath of fresh air to witness it.  In my experiences and those I have heard from others, the enabling parent may suddenly seem much more confident, happy, caring, interested in you/your life, sociable, carefree, and quite willing to make decisions for themselves.  I’ve even seen physical changes take place, like standing up taller as opposed to slouching, and marked, positive changes in body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions.  As nice as it is to see a parent as they are, even for a few moments, it’s incredibly heartbreaking to realize the full scope of the life (using that term loosely in this case) they lead with their partner.  Yes, as children of narcissists, we have our own set of difficult circumstances and feel a need to cover up our authentic selves in the presence of our disordered parent.  There’s no doubt about it.  And it’s incredibly painful to feel unprotected and cast aside by an enabling parent.  But it doesn’t make it any less difficult to see an enabling parent who may also be suffering and living as someone other than who they are, just to maintain some small fragment of peace.

It’s a crime that narcissists, using their manipulative and deceptive behaviours, are able to cause those around them to retreat into shells of their true selves and not live the full lives they are meant to live, children and partners alike.  Obviously there can be exceptions to this, like families with two narcissistic parents, or an enabling parent who sometimes takes a stand for themselves and even for their children.  Overall, though, rather than being what a family should be, life with narcissists can often be compared to a prison, with a warden who calls all the shots and creates a system that benefits them and them alone.

There are ways to heal from narcissists.  There is hope.  We need to educate ourselves – on narcissism, on boundaries, on low- and no-contact, on healing ourselves, etc. – and empower ourselves.  Natural Clarity Coaching is a useful support system, as are many other resources.  No one needs to be alone when grappling with these circumstances.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

 

New Year, New Possibilities for Peace

January 5, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’m a little late for a New Year’s post, but here it is in the spirit of January 1st.

My wish for everyone, especially those negatively affected by narcissists and other toxic individuals, is that they find and/or maintain a life filled with peace.  Peace can permeate other layers of our lives and make everything else better, or, at the very least, somewhat easier.  How we attain peace will look different for each person.  But it’s a possibility for everyone, no matter how challenging things may be at any given moment.

For this new year with new possibilities, think about finding your peace, or maintaining and growing the peace that you’ve already established for yourself.  Peace is the key to so many other components of our lives.  No matter what’s going on around us, we have the ability to cultivate peace and hold it within ourselves.  It won’t always be a simple task, but it is a possibility.  It might even help to think of plants and trees that manage to grow in sidewalk cracks.  Sometimes we have to grow our peace in less than ideal conditions, but it will grow despite the harshest of environments.

So, I wish you all peace in 2023! 

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and Twitter

Red flags and ultimate results of narcissistic abuse

April 15, 2021 / / 0 Comments

If you are/have been in a relationship with a narcissistically-inclined individual, here are some of the most common results:

  1. You believe that you can’t live without the other person. (codependence)
  2. The other person uses you as their scapegoat.
  3. You feel as though you are often under attack in a variety of ways (judged, criticized, devalued, made fun of, spoken to in a condescending fashion, made to feel like you’re a problem, told that you’re responsible for the other person’s feelings and issues, yelled at or spoken to in a harsh manner, etc.).
  4. You have regular feelings of anxiety, depression, worry and fearfulness.
  5. You don’t trust your judgments or abilities, and you begin to give up on yourself and view yourself as a failure.
  6. You no longer feel as though you have a voice.
  7. You feel as though you must somehow be deserving of the poor treatment.
  8. You fear being abandoned (trauma bonds).
  9. You lose touch with other people because this person has isolated you from them.
  10. You don’t feel like yourself anymore, which leaves you feeling lost and hopeless.
  11. The roller coaster ride of silent treatments and abusive behaviour mixed with love-bombing and ‘good days’ has you confused and disoriented.
  12. You feel as though you are always ‘running on empty’; physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually exhausted (sometimes financially as well).
  13. You may develop complex PTSD (C-PTSD).

This is by no means an exhaustive list but it definitely includes some of the more common items experienced by those in a relationship with a narcissist, be it romantic, family, work, etc.

If you find yourself regularly experiencing these types of symptoms in relation to someone in your life, it would be beneficial to view them as red flags. Regardless of what someone may try to tell you to explain everything away or blame it on you, no one deserves to be treated with abuse and disrespect. If someone’s treatment and attitude towards you makes you feel badly about yourself or ‘less than’, the situation needs your attention and action. It may seem simpler to maintain the status quo and give the person the benefit of the doubt that they’re just ‘having a bad day’ or ‘didn’t mean it that way’, but it isn’t worth the price you will pay for this narcissistic treatment as time goes by. Narcissistic abuse is insidious. It creeps in and gradually breaks you down. Narcissists tend to prey on kind, forgiving and non-confrontational people, and they count on those traits to allow them to continue their abusive ways. By the time you really begin to notice the negative effects, you will already have been impacted, sometimes quite deeply, in a variety of ways.

Many of us, after the fact, wish that we had listened to our intuition and heeded the red flags that we noticed early on, rather than sweeping it all under the rug and trudging forward, allowing the acceptance of abuse as a way of life until it just feels ‘normal’. Trust your gut; it will set off alarm bells but you need to be willing to listen and believe it. Trust what you have noticed in someone and within your relationship. If something seems off, there’s a good chance that it is off. Take the time you need to assess a situation but don’t be afraid to walk away from it at any point. You have the right to your own choices and you owe it to yourself to do whatever is in your best interests. Forget about what anyone else thinks. Trust yourself. You are strong enough to make things work, no matter what happens. If you can avoid a narcissistic abuse situation, it’s so much preferred to anxiety, depression, C-PTSD, etc., and the years of therapy/coaching, self-help and soul-searching that will be needed after having gone through it.

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

Darkness to light: Some of the impacts, as an adult, of being raised by narcissists, and how to start your recovery journey

February 9, 2021 / / 0 Comments

For those of us who were raised by narcissists, there are some very common challenges that may rear their ugly heads when we are adults. Here are just a few: 1. Depression and anxiety; 2. Low self-esteem; 3. Trust and abandonment issues; 4. Feeling unworthy of love and respect; 5. Downplaying accomplishments; 6. Finding yourself in recurring dysfunctional, destructive relationships; 7. Low or no self-care.

These are just some of the possible outcomes resulting from a childhood with narcissistic parents or role models. Obviously, because we are all individuals, the specific results will be unique. For the majority of us, it takes many years to recognize and then accept the damage that has been done on so many levels. In all honesty, some people never recognize it for what it is and, subsequently, go through their entire lives suffering. It doesn’t have to be this way, and this is one of the many reasons that I have dedicated myself to helping others in the realm of narcissistic abuse awareness and recovery.

My primary recommendation, whether a person has just an inkling of a feeling that something was/is ‘off’ in their family of origin or relationship(s), or if they have a massive “a-ha” moment of realization and see the damage within themselves, is to seek out support. Forums, support groups, therapists/psychologists/counsellors who are knowledgeable in narcissistic abuse and treatment, narcissistic abuse recovery coaches such as myself, friends who understand … whatever supportive resources you can locate for yourself, just do it. Having support is absolutely key in journeying through narcissistic abuse awareness, acceptance and recovery, particularly in the early stages.

In addition to support, it is imperative, beyond educating yourself about narcissism (fragile egos and disordered individuals) so that you understand what happened and why, to shine the spotlight on your recovery. Be patient with yourself, take the time you need to make your way through the process, look after yourself on all levels – mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. You need to make yourself strong for this journey. I can’t emphasize enough just how important this is. Invest in your recovery because it will serve you well in the future. In fact, it will more than likely change your life for the better in ways you never imagined!

Until next time,

Heather ~Natural Clarity Coaching~ www.naturalclaritycoaching.com na********************@***il.com Natural Clarity Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter

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